[{"id":1,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rqx4e/my_mom_laughed_at_me_when_i_said_i_was_going_to/","score":3887,"part1":"My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.","mature":false,"author":"CurrentlyCurious","part2":"You should have seen her face as I drove pasta."},{"id":2,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33qli6/no_one_should_have_been_surprised_by_the_rise_of/","score":3889,"part1":"No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.","mature":false,"author":"Waltzer64","part2":"I mean, there were red flags everywhere."},{"id":3,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ullvl/photographers_are_so_violent/","score":3882,"part1":"Photographers are so violent.","mature":false,"author":"bean9914","part2":"They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you."},{"id":4,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42r97c/john_cena_woke_up_from_a_coma/","score":3874,"part1":"John Cena woke up from a coma","mature":false,"author":"B4ItSkl8s","part2":"John Cena: Where am I?  Nurse: ICU  John Cena: No you don't.  "},{"id":5,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ce9ff/a_guy_was_walking_to_a_bar_and_on_his_way_he/","score":3869,"part1":"A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.","mature":true,"author":"gammaplay","part2":"He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies \"I couldn't find it.\""},{"id":6,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2n8yal/i_saw_denzel_washington_on_the_street_today/","score":3870,"part1":"I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.","mature":false,"author":"ChipotleAddiction","part2":"I said \"Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?\" And he's all like \"I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit.\" Classic Denzel."},{"id":7,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mgt31/so_i_walk_in_on_daughter_masturbating_with_a/","score":3861,"part1":"So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot.","mature":false,"author":"Pengyvan","part2":"I shout, \"Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!\""},{"id":8,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gv76d/breaking_news_a_man_who_took_an_airline_company/","score":3867,"part1":"BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.","mature":false,"author":"Linalg2","part2":""},{"id":9,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bhurd/if_caitlyn_jenner_were_a_super_hero_what_team/","score":3858,"part1":"If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?","mature":false,"author":"AbominaSean","part2":"The Ex-Men."},{"id":10,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s9xb3/my_girlfriend_of_5_years_asked_me/","score":3859,"part1":"My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...","mature":false,"author":"PM_ME_UR_RITO_CODES","part2":"My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.      I said \"back in '09\". It sounds much better than saying September."},{"id":11,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2r7tr8/a_mathematician_stumbles_home_drunk_at_3_am/","score":3857,"part1":"A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.","mature":false,"author":"smeltfisher","part2":"...and his wife is livid.  “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”  \"No,\" slurs the mathematician...   “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”"},{"id":12,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4or8y7/ive_just_been_molested_by_a_group_of_mime_artists/","score":3864,"part1":"Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...","mature":false,"author":"X0AN","part2":"They did unspeakable things to me."},{"id":13,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uzvv0/the_difference_between_beforeafter_getting_hired/","score":3860,"part1":"The difference between before/after getting hired","mature":false,"author":"Beatorexac","part2":"When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.  It went like this:  ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new  Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...  ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen  Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?  ABC: That's a granted.  Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?  ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?  Timmy: Are meals subsidized?  ABC: You BET.  Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?  ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.  Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?  ABC: Yes. Absolutely.  Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?  After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.  To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.  "},{"id":14,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ugdrv/why_cant_pirates_learn_the_alphabet/","score":3853,"part1":"Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?","mature":false,"author":"numbermaniac","part2":"Because they spend years at C."},{"id":15,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2df863/top_20_worst_jokes_ever/","score":3840,"part1":"Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!","mature":false,"author":"BashBashBoom","part2":"The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The  Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"I'll serve  You, but don't start anything.\"  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and  says: \"A beer please, and one for the road.\"  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: \"Does  this taste funny to you?\"  7. \"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'\"  \"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.\" \"Is it common?\" Well, \"It's Not  Unusual.\"  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says  to Dolly, \"I was artificially inseminated this morning.\" \"I don't believe  you,\" says Dolly. \"It's true, no bull!\" exclaims Daisy.  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were  nothing to look at either.  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I  couldn’t find any.  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He  shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!\" The doctor replied, \"I know  you can't I've cut off your arms!\"  13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other  and says Dam!\"  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire  in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't  have your kayak and heat it too.  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were  standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about  an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. \"But  why,\" they asked, as they moved off. \"Because,\" he said, \"I can't stand  chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.\"  18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them  goes to a family in Egypt and is named \"Ahmal.\" The other goes to a family in  Spain ; they name him \"Juan.\" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself  to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband  that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,  \"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.\"  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,  which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate  very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from  bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A  super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.  20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different  puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make  them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!"},{"id":16,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p7z6r/girl_you_remind_me_of_an_alarm_clock/","score":3849,"part1":"Girl, you remind me of an alarm clock...","mature":false,"author":"E-135","part2":"...you were a good idea last night but now I just want you to shut the fuck up"},{"id":17,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ssndg/whats_the_difference_between_jimmy_fallon_and/","score":3840,"part1":"What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?","mature":false,"author":"BasilHaydensBitch","part2":"I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing."},{"id":18,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2i8feg/a_homeless_man_knocks_on_a_womans_door_looking/","score":3845,"part1":"A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"\"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?\"  The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,  \"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it.\"  He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.  She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.  \"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche.\""},{"id":19,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2n2dst/success_is_like_being_pregnant/","score":3833,"part1":"Success is like being pregnant","mature":true,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there."},{"id":20,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b6lq7/woman_in_a_coma/","score":3833,"part1":"Woman in a coma","mature":true,"author":"Leonardo_DiCapricock","part2":"Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! \"What happened?\" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, \"I dont know...I think she choked.\""},{"id":21,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dxe2u/i_went_to_a_prostitute_and_asked_her_if_i_could/","score":3829,"part1":"I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style. \"Sure\" she said","mature":true,"author":"wytzuh","part2":"So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying."},{"id":22,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2r0kaf/so_these_two_ladies_walk_into_a_morticians_office/","score":3828,"part1":"So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.","mature":false,"author":"yuleth123","part2":"The first woman says to the mortician, \"I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral.  Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit.\"  The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves.  Now the second woman comes in and says, \"I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue.  Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?\"  The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves.  A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, \"Thank you so much for doing this.  My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him.\"  The mortician replies, \"Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back.\"  \"No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need.\"  \"Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything.  You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue.  So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads.\""},{"id":23,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wduew/if_i_got_50_cents_for_every_failed_math_exam/","score":3825,"part1":"If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam,","mature":false,"author":"Andrew9820","part2":"I'd have $ 6.30 now"},{"id":24,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/319og1/i_told_my_wife_i_lost_10_lbs_in_one_hour/","score":3821,"part1":"I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour","mature":false,"author":"akiddisaster","part2":"\"No way. That's impossible!\" she said.  \"Trust me,\" I said, \"I have no idea where our baby is.\""},{"id":25,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wfpf4/i_lived_in_china_for_a_long_time_this_was_the/","score":6813,"part1":"I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.  The governor: Fine people...I don't know.  Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?  Farmer: I'm a farmer.  Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?  Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.  Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.  Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.  Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.  Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?  Farmer: I actually have two cows."},{"id":26,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31w4s1/whats_a_pirates_least_favourite_letter/","score":6777,"part1":"What's a pirate's least favourite letter?","mature":false,"author":"OldManInternetz","part2":"Dear Sir,  We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ..."},{"id":27,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f6e6i/thanks_for_explaining_the_word_many_to_me/","score":6757,"part1":"Thanks for explaining the word \"many\" to me.","mature":false,"author":"FuckedUpJokeGuy","part2":"It means a lot."},{"id":28,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47kx6t/a_teenage_girl_was_being_intimate_with_her/","score":6742,"part1":"A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend","mature":false,"author":"Siethron","part2":"At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.   \"Dad!\" she exclaimed in a panic \"...I'm sorry\"  The dad being a dad replies \"hi sorry, I'm Dad!\"  He then turns to the boyfriend and asks \"Are you fucking sorry?\""},{"id":29,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i1p09/a_cop_stopped_a_guy_for_speeding/","score":6640,"part1":"A cop stopped a guy for speeding...","mature":false,"author":"Ctrl_Alt_Comment","part2":"He said, \"Do you know how fast you were going?\"   \"I was trying to keep up with traffic,\" he replied.  He said, \"There is no traffic.\"   And the guy answered, \"That's how far behind I am.\""},{"id":30,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46r5ai/trump_wants_to_ban_the_sale_of_preshredded_cheese/","score":6644,"part1":"Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.","mature":false,"author":"ericisaac","part2":"He wants to make America grate again."},{"id":31,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4acr33/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/","score":6574,"part1":"A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary","mature":false,"author":"FlamesOne","part2":"... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.  The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.  The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'  The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.  She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'  To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'  'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.  'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'  'So I just switched the heads.'"},{"id":32,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/28s3w4/a_man_walks_into_a_library_and_says_to_the/","score":6514,"part1":"A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, \"do you have that book for men with small penises?\"","mature":false,"author":"cockstereo","part2":"The librarian looks on her computer and says, \"I don't know if it's in yet.\"   \"Yeah that's the one\""},{"id":33,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ww9i/a_man_joins_an_order_of_monks/","score":6502,"part1":"A man joins an order of Monks.","mature":false,"author":"Flyberius","part2":"A man goes to join an order of monks.  The head Monk says to the man \"This is a silent order.  You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years.\"  The man says \"Ok\" and so begins his time with the silent order.  15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man \"It has been fifteen years.  What would you like to say brother?\".  The man responds, \"The porridge could do with a little more sugar.\"  The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.  Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says \"Brother, it has been another 15 years.  What is it that you wish to say?\".  \"The bed sheets are a bit thin.\"  Replies the man.  Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.  Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks \"15 years have passed.  Have you anything to say?\".  \"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order.  It's not really for me.\" says the man.  \"Yes, yes\" sighs the head monk \"I think that's for the best.  You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here.\""},{"id":34,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kq13k/3_guys_are_hiking_through_the_woods_when_they/","score":6480,"part1":"3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp","mature":false,"author":"MinniesHaber-ery","part2":"One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.   It booms \"You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes.\" The first guy immediately blurts out \"I want a billion dollars.\" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50   The second man thinks for a bit, then says \"I want to be the richest man alive.\" POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.   The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says \"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.\" POOF, his arm starts rotating.   The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.   First guy says: \"I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.\" POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.   Second guy says \"I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.\" POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.   Third guy says \"I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.\" POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.   The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.   First guy does, and after a while says \"I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.\" POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.   Second guy says \"I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.\" POOF, he looks younger already.   Third guy smiles triumphantly and says \"My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.\" POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.   The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.    Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.  First guy is ecstatic: \"I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.\"  Second guy smiles and says \"Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.\"   Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:    \"Guys, I think I fucked up.\""},{"id":35,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fbjvk/i_saw_my_dwarf_neighbor_at_a_bus_stop/","score":6432,"part1":"I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop","mature":false,"author":"SenecaJnr","part2":"\"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home\" I said. \"Fuck off\" he shouted back. \"What an ungrateful little cunt\" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk."},{"id":36,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2kzxpp/crazy_exgirlfriends_are_like_a_box_of_chocolate/","score":6384,"part1":"Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate","mature":false,"author":"Webster1293","part2":"They'll kill your dog"},{"id":37,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hpkpt/when_wearing_a_bikiniwomen_reveal_90_of_their_body/","score":6332,"part1":"When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts"},{"id":38,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ou7nr/a_young_artist_exhibits_his_work_for_the_first/","score":6282,"part1":"A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...","mature":false,"author":"eternitytransfer","part2":"... and a well known art critic is in attendance.   The critic says to the young artist, \"would you like my opinion on your work?\"   \"Yes, \" says the artist.   \"It's worthless,\" says the critic   The artist replies,  \"I know, but tell me anyway.\""},{"id":39,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40lhzp/3_mods_walk_into_a_bar/","score":6258,"part1":"3 mods walk into a bar","mature":false,"author":"Mydogfartsconstantly","part2":"[deleted]"},{"id":40,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4asj1j/an_irish_guy_walks_out_of_a_bar/","score":6236,"part1":"An Irish guy walks out of a bar....","mature":false,"author":"mdaquan","part2":"It could happen."},{"id":41,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e2uld/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_pub/","score":6219,"part1":"A Texan walks into an Irish pub...","mature":false,"author":"SamwiseGamgENT","part2":"and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, \"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.\"  The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. \"Is your bet still good?\", asks the Irishman.  The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.  The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, \"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?\"  The Irishman replies, \"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first\"."},{"id":42,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rw2du/open_letter_to_the_mods_of_rjokes/","score":6184,"part1":"Open letter to the mods of /r/jokes","mature":false,"author":"Beta-7","part2":"C"},{"id":43,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl4cx/redneck_divorce/","score":6146,"part1":"Redneck Divorce","mature":false,"author":"bcrdi","part2":"A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.  Attorney: \"May I help you?\"  Hillbilly: \"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces\".  Attorney: \"Well do you have any grounds?\"  Hillbilly: \"Yea, I got about a hundred acres.\"  Attorney: \"No, you don't understand, do you have a case?\"  Hillbilly: \"No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.\"  Attorney: \"I mean, do you have a grudge?\"  Hillbilly: \"Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.\"  Attorney: \"No sir, I mean do you have a suit?\"  Hillbilly: \"Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.\"  Attorney: \"Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?\"  Hillbilly: \"No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning.\"  Attorney: \"Well, is she a nagger or anything?\"  Hillbilly: \"No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce.\""},{"id":44,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44k10x/why_does_donald_trump_secretly_want_to_lose_the/","score":6132,"part1":"Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?","mature":false,"author":"Battle4Seattle","part2":"Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood."},{"id":45,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ii2th/the_best_joke_to_tell_at_parties/","score":6117,"part1":"The best joke to tell at parties","mature":true,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, \"I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!\" The second guy says, \"I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!\" The third guys says, \"I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!\" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, \"Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!\" The second guy looks and says \"Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!\" And the third guys looks and says, \"...Who the fuck is [insert name of one of the listeners]?!\""},{"id":46,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pnbc6/a_jewish_man_sends_his_son_to_israel_to_live/","score":6096,"part1":"A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .","mature":false,"author":"KingBooRadley","part2":"A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian.  The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.  The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, \"That's odd.  I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.\"  So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.    They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.  The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said \"That's odd.  I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.\"  So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there.  The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.  They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians.\"  There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, \"That's odd . . . \""},{"id":47,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34e7cl/a_driver_is_pulled_over_by_a_policeman/","score":5995,"part1":"A driver is pulled over by a policeman....","mature":false,"author":"tokyohoon","part2":"The policeman approaches the drivers door.  \"Is there a problem, Officer?\"  The policeman says, \"Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?\"  The driver responds, \"I'd give it to you but I don't have one.\"  \"You don't have one?\"  The man responds, \"I lost it four times for drink driving.\"  The policeman is shocked. \"I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?\"  \"I'm sorry, I can't do that.\"  The policeman says, \"Why not?\"  \"I stole this car.\"  The officer says, \"Stole it?\"  The man says, \"Yes, and I killed the owner.\"  At this point the officer is getting irate. \"You what?\"  \"She's in the boot if you want to see.\"  The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.  The senior officer says, \"Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!\"  The man steps out of his vehicle. \"Is there a problem, sir?\"  \"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.\"  \"Murdered the owner?\"  The officer responds, \"Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?\"  The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.  The officer says, \"Is this your car sir?\"  The man says, \"Yes\" and hands over the registration papers.  The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. \"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.\"  The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. \"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.\"  The man replies, \"I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!\"  "},{"id":48,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4awt3d/til_humans_eat_more_bananas_than_monkeys/","score":5973,"part1":"TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.","mature":false,"author":"charina91","part2":"I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey."},{"id":49,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e6nu9/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/","score":5970,"part1":"Why did the Mexican take Xanax?","mature":false,"author":"Pyronaut44","part2":"For Hispanic attacks."},{"id":50,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mdm5a/a_new_study_shows_that_unvaccinated_children_are/","score":5410,"part1":"A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic","mature":false,"author":"gith00","part2":"Because they are more likely to be dead."},{"id":51,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3haaho/why_did_10_die/","score":5398,"part1":"Why did 10 die?","mature":false,"author":"theboss1248","part2":"He was in the middle of 9/11."},{"id":52,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u2s7z/a_woman_has_to_go_to_italy_for_a_conference_so/","score":5404,"part1":"A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport","mature":false,"author":"cualcrees","part2":"A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.  \"Thank you, honey\", she says.  \"What would you like me to bring back for you?\"  He laughs and says, \"An Italian girl!\"  When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, \"So, honey, how was the trip?\"  \"Very good,\" she replies.  \"And what happened to my present?\"  \"Which present?\" she asks.  \"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!\"  \"Oh, that,\" she says. \"Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl.\""},{"id":53,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4psjv7/a_buddhist_monk_goes_to_a_barber_to_have_his_head/","score":5400,"part1":"A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.","mature":false,"author":"jackshafto","part2":"\"What should I pay you?\" the monk asks. \"No price, for a holy man such as yourself,\" the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.   That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. \"What shall I pay you, my son?\" \"No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself.\" And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.  That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. \"What do you want I should pay you?\" \"Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself.\" And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis"},{"id":54,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l2qh0/if_theres_a_bee_in_my_hand_whats_in_my_eye/","score":5379,"part1":"If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?","mature":false,"author":"belungawhale","part2":"Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, \"oh I get it\", and \"this joke is more like a riddle\""},{"id":55,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n49uj/fishermen_hate_himyoull_never_guess_this_one/","score":5382,"part1":"Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else","mature":false,"author":"Apps4Life","part2":"Click bait"},{"id":56,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ttyja/what_does_the_word_gay_mean/","score":5374,"part1":"What does the word 'gay' mean?","mature":false,"author":"KellyfromLeedsUK","part2":"asked a son to his father.  \"It means 'happy,'\" replied the father.  \"Oh,\" contested the son, \"so are you gay, then?\"  \"No, son, I have a wife.\""},{"id":57,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qsq2q/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/","score":5380,"part1":"A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says \"Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.\" The one says to the other, \"should we do it??\" The other says \"NO!! Are you crazy?\" The first guy replies \"Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it.\" So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says \"well, did you get the money?\" He replies \"Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??\""},{"id":58,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2li6dh/while_teaching_a_class/","score":5358,"part1":"While teaching a class,","mature":false,"author":"evejen","part2":"A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:   \"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?\"   Michael said: \"Just a minute I have to go pee.\"   The teacher responded by saying: \"That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?\"   Sherman said: \"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.\"   \"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?\"   Johnny said: \"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.\""},{"id":59,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bxrfq/reddit/","score":5359,"part1":"Reddit","mature":false,"author":"_Person_","part2":""},{"id":60,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xmqx0/my_boss_was_honest_with_me_today/","score":5343,"part1":"My boss was honest with me today.","mature":false,"author":"john_cc","part2":"He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, \"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.\""},{"id":61,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fztzj/why_i_fired_my_secretary/","score":5348,"part1":"Why I fired my secretary","mature":false,"author":"die247","part2":"Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,  \"Happy Birthday!\", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone \"Happy Birthday.\"   I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.  My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.   As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,  \"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!\"  It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, \"You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.\"   I said, \"Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!\"  We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.   She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.  On the way back to the office, Jane said, \"You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?\"   I responded, \"I guess not. What do you have in mind?\"  She said, \"Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.\"  After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,  \"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.\"  \"Okay,\" I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.   Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing \"Happy birthday\". And I just sat there...  On the couch...  Sobbing...  Naked...  and erect."},{"id":62,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xsfnp/one_day_canada_will_take_over_the_world/","score":5346,"part1":"One day Canada will take over the world.","mature":false,"author":"newdayofmylife","part2":"Then we'll all be sorry."},{"id":63,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2cqppw/a_jew_and_an_arab_go_into_a_bakery/","score":5345,"part1":"A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery...","mature":false,"author":"bobdolebobdole","part2":"The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.  He says to the Jew, \"See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing.\" The Jew says to the Arab, \"That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.\"  He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, \"Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.\"  Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.  The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, \"So what did you do with the pastries?\"  The Jew replies, \"Look in the Arab's back pocket.....\""},{"id":64,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x8jqh/jesus_walks_into_a_restaurant/","score":5342,"part1":"Jesus walks into a restaurant...","mature":false,"author":"bcurry70","part2":"And says to the Maitre'd \"Table for 26 please\"  Confused,  the Maitre'd does a quick head count,  and says \"But there are only 13 of you.\"  Jesus replies \"Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side\""},{"id":65,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47u9xn/the_three_unwritten_rules_of_life/","score":5340,"part1":"The three unwritten rules of life","mature":false,"author":"TheurgyWarden","part2":"1.   2.   3."},{"id":66,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s4yie/i_bumped_into_an_old_school_friend_today/","score":5333,"part1":"I bumped into an old school friend today","mature":false,"author":"callumirvine","part2":"I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.  Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, \"She's beautiful, isn't she?\"  I said, \"If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.\"  He said, \"Why? Is she a stunner?\"  I said, \"No, she's a fucking optician.\"  "},{"id":67,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42cs0m/communist_jokes_are_not_funny/","score":5314,"part1":"Communist jokes are not funny...","mature":false,"author":"Knot_Gay","part2":"unless everyone gets them"},{"id":68,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dl0nl/court_decision_i_hereby_find_you_guilty_of/","score":5317,"part1":"Court decision: \"I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......","mature":false,"author":"mayankkaizen","part2":"....what happens next will shock you.\""},{"id":69,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33tdch/out_in_space_two_alien_life_forms_are_speaking/","score":5321,"part1":"Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.","mature":false,"author":"paula_sutton","part2":"The first alien says, \"The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.\" The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, \"Are they an emerging intelligence?\" The first alien says, \"I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.\"  "},{"id":70,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x9ym5/5_out_of_6_scientists_say_russian_roulette_is_safe/","score":5295,"part1":"5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.","mature":false,"author":"ryzikx","part2":""},{"id":71,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4krlon/mommy_what_were_you_doing_bouncing_on_daddys/","score":5292,"part1":"\"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?\"","mature":true,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"\"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.\"   \"That's not going to work.\"   \"Why not?\"   \"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again.\""},{"id":72,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgcsm/an_elderly_man_in_louisiana/","score":5298,"part1":"An elderly man in Louisiana ...","mature":false,"author":"birddogguy","part2":"... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.  One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'  The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'  Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'  Some old men can still think fast...."},{"id":73,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t4bov/excuse_me_sir_how_much_have_you_had_to_drink/","score":5291,"part1":"Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?","mature":false,"author":"redditttuser","part2":"A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.  At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.  The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.  He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.  After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.  He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.  He turned his lights on, then off.  He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.  Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.  The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.  He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.  The cop was dumbfounded.  'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.  'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the DD...Designated Decoy.'  __________________________________   "},{"id":74,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nimwj/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/","score":5278,"part1":"To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:","mature":false,"author":"ddrumajor","part2":"You can hide, but you can't run."},{"id":75,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t92tm/is_it_all_black_people_that_have_a_problem_with/","score":3687,"part1":"Is it all black people that have a problem with slavery?","mature":false,"author":"ali_badran","part2":"Or just mine ?"},{"id":76,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tlwcy/i_almost_got_raped_in_jail/","score":3691,"part1":"I almost got raped in jail ...","mature":false,"author":"FotysOnDeck","part2":"My family takes monopoly way too seriously."},{"id":77,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3awn7o/did_you_know_2_x_10_is_the_same_as_2_x_11/","score":3695,"part1":"Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?","mature":false,"author":"Angry_Nutrition","part2":"**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**  "},{"id":78,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u74cd/since_it_started_snowing_all_my_grandma_has_done/","score":3690,"part1":"Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.","mature":false,"author":"TheJoshC","part2":"If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in."},{"id":79,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/352ie6/the_unemployed_engineer/","score":3684,"part1":"The Unemployed Engineer","mature":false,"author":"Bizzlebomb","part2":"An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:  \"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail.\"  A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.  Doctor: \"I have lost my sense of taste.\"  Engineer: \"Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.\"  Doctor: \"This is Gasoline!\"  Engineer: \"Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.\"     The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.  Doctor: \"I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.\"  Engineer: \"Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.\"  Doctor: \"But that is Gasoline!\"  Engineer: \"Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.\"     The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: \"My eyesight has become weak.\"  Engineer: \"Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,\" passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: \"But this is $500...\"  Engineer: \"Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.\""},{"id":80,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jbc6x/three_girls_die_and_go_to_heaven/","score":3682,"part1":"Three girls die and go to heaven...","mature":false,"author":"wgeekv","part2":"They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says \"But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished\". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. \"What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?\" she asks God. God looks at her and says, \"He stepped on a duck.\""},{"id":81,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ciw8c/the_other_day_i_walked_in_on_my_grandmother/","score":3690,"part1":"The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.","mature":true,"author":"Zaseishinrui","part2":"I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him."},{"id":82,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dao6o/i_hope_rand_paul_doesnt_pick_scott_walker_as_his/","score":3687,"part1":"I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP","mature":false,"author":"ninjew36","part2":"I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.  "},{"id":83,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xwgqw/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_10_men_shes_a_slut_but_if/","score":3685,"part1":"If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it..........","mature":false,"author":"Starinight69","part2":"He's gay, definitely gay."},{"id":84,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3frmkg/whats_blue_and_not_very_heavy/","score":3683,"part1":"What's blue and not very heavy?","mature":false,"author":"PM_your_hairyBush","part2":"Light blue."},{"id":85,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1ms8hk/the_best_joke_to_tell_at_parties/","score":3682,"part1":"The best joke to tell at parties","mature":false,"author":"Imaginary_Subject","part2":"3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, \"I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!\" The second guy says, \"I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!\" The third guys says, \"I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!\" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, \"Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!\" The second guy looks and says \"Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!\" And the third guys looks and says, \"...Who the fuck is [*insert name of one of the listeners*]?!\""},{"id":86,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2pljk0/from_my_7_yearold_son_what_rhymes_with_boo_and/","score":3671,"part1":"From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?","mature":false,"author":"DarkRaven47","part2":"You.  Why I oughta...!  "},{"id":87,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/26mrnh/my_favorite_clean_joke_the_old_man_and_the_ferrari/","score":3669,"part1":"My favorite clean joke - the Old Man and the Ferrari","mature":false,"author":"wolfesluck","part2":"A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying  $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, \"What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?\"   The young man replies, \"A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!\"   \"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money,\" says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. \"Why does it cost so much?\"   \"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!\" states the banker proudly.   The moped driver asks, \"Mind if I take a look inside?\"   \"No problem,\" replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, \"That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!\"   Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!   \"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?\" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!   He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!   The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, \"Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?\" The old man whispers with his dying breath... \"Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror.\""},{"id":88,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38zztm/how_does_an_apple_watch_owner_know_that_its_midday/","score":3670,"part1":"How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?","mature":false,"author":"ConsiderablyMediocre","part2":"It's already run out of battery."},{"id":89,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2v6dtu/a_pirate_walks_into_bar_and_sits/","score":3663,"part1":"A pirate walks into bar and sits...","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks \"So what's the story with the leg?\"  \"Well it were many a year ago,\" says the pirate. \"I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night.\"  \"That's terrible,\" says the bartender. \"What about the hand?\"  \"Well it were the very next day,\" says the pirate. \"I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night.\"  \"Wow,\" says the bartender. \"So what about the eye?\"  \"Well it were the very next day,\" says the pirate. \"I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!\"  \"Oh man,\" says the bartender. \"And that blinded you?\"  \"Well no,\" says the pirate. \"But it were me first day with the hook.\""},{"id":90,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2eh2uk/a_couple_wants_to_have_sex_but_their_son_is_in/","score":3671,"part1":"A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.","mature":false,"author":"abstract_buffalo","part2":"The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon \"quickie \" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...  \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.  \"An ambulance just drove by!\"  \"Looks like the Andersons have company,\" he called out.  \"Matt's riding a new bike!\"  \"Looks like the Sanders are moving!\"  \"Jason is on his skate board!\"  After a few moments he announced... \"The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.  Dad cautiously called out...\"How do you know they're having sex?\" \"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.\""},{"id":91,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o2unf/i_went_to_the_doctor_and_he_said_dont_eat/","score":3664,"part1":"I went to the doctor and he said \"don't eat anything fatty.\"","mature":false,"author":"ToKickAHoneyBadger","part2":"I asked \" no bacon?  No burgers?!\"   To which he replied \"No fatty, just don't eat anything! \""},{"id":92,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32bq6e/i_bought_pink_cotton_but_my_wife_wanted_purple/","score":3665,"part1":"I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple","mature":false,"author":"hesinthetrees","part2":"Sorry, wrong thread"},{"id":93,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2no1fz/i_tried_uploading_my_sex_tape_to_pornhub/","score":3668,"part1":"I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub.","mature":false,"author":"Skreaming","part2":"They told me to try Vine."},{"id":94,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lx6gb/whats_18_inches_long_and_hangs_in_front_of_an/","score":3660,"part1":"What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?","mature":false,"author":"ClericPreston815","part2":"Donald Trump's tie."},{"id":95,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ngocz/two_fleas_on_vacation_nsfw/","score":3657,"part1":"Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw)","mature":true,"author":"69pistol","part2":"Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.  The other flea asked him, \"Why are shaking so badly?\"  The first flea says, \"I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.\"  The other flea says, \"That's the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of.\"  The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by... When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.  The second flea says, \"Didn't you try what I told you?\"  \"Yes,\" says the first flea. \"I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.\"           "},{"id":96,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44dy4m/getting_drunk/","score":3656,"part1":"Getting drunk","mature":false,"author":"servo1056","part2":"at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out \"Does anyone here know CPR?\" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back \"I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!\" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy."},{"id":97,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/408w03/obama_went_on_a_run/","score":3660,"part1":"Obama went on a run","mature":false,"author":"mrkelley1","part2":"and fell in a river.  -  three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.  -  The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought it.  -  The second boy wanted to go to Disney world. Obama made it so.  -  The third boy asked for a wheelchair. Perplexed, Obama said \"Why do you need a wheel chair, you seem to walk fine\".  -  The young boy replied \"well now, sure. but wait until my dad finds out i saved your life.\""},{"id":98,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2f305c/told_by_a_7_year_old_boy_how_do_you_drop_on_an/","score":3650,"part1":"Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.","mature":false,"author":"TheDovahkiinsDad","part2":"Concrete floors are really hard to crack.   Then he said \"you were thinking about the egg weren't you!\""},{"id":99,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mjqyd/so_god_creates_adam/","score":3647,"part1":"So God creates Adam...","mature":false,"author":"AutumnAvalanche","part2":"...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.   God says \"Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman.\"  God continues \"She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing.\"  Adam hesitates..  \"What is this gonna cost me?\" Adam asks.  God responds \"An arm and a leg.\"  Adam retorts \"What can I get for a rib?\""},{"id":100,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2tijba/do_you_know_the_one_step_to_avoiding_clickbait/","score":4069,"part1":"Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?","mature":false,"author":"labellevache","part2":"Obviously not.  gg y'all, inbox = rekt"},{"id":101,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43m9gc/a_swastika_has_been_spray_painted_over_donald/","score":4063,"part1":"A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...","mature":false,"author":"SuperCub","part2":"...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters."},{"id":102,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bvdjc/my_friend_really_changed_when_she_became_a/","score":4060,"part1":"My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...","mature":false,"author":"CoCGamer","part2":"it's like I've never seen herbivore.   "},{"id":103,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4928ql/i_work_in_a_library_and_a_black_guy_asked_me_if/","score":4050,"part1":"I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers...","mature":false,"author":"FuckedUpJokeGuy","part2":"I said, \"Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want.\""},{"id":104,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dm3f8/i_am_is_reportedly_the_shortest_sentence_in_the/","score":4046,"part1":"\"I am\" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that \"I do\" is the longest sentence?","mature":false,"author":"DylzaG123","part2":"Holy shit this blew up"},{"id":105,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y28jy/how_many_feminists_does_it_take_to_screw_in_a/","score":4043,"part1":"How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?","mature":false,"author":"Slimebeast","part2":"One.  Men can be Feminists, too."},{"id":106,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x2bd6/how_many_friendzoned_guys_does_it_take_to_screw/","score":4042,"part1":"How many \"friend-zoned\" guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?","mature":false,"author":"Potatocakes08","part2":"None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw."},{"id":107,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3syh8y/the_nintendo_64_turned_18_today/","score":4048,"part1":"The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today","mature":false,"author":"ButtPirateBuddy","part2":"Now you can legally blow the cartridges."},{"id":108,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ndsww/happy_ramadan_to_all_my_muslim_brothers_and/","score":4049,"part1":"Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!","mature":false,"author":"Andy-_-","part2":"This month, lunch is on me."},{"id":109,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ms3jo/ive_decided_to_marry_a_pencil/","score":4042,"part1":"I've decided to marry a pencil","mature":false,"author":"xCerra","part2":"I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B"},{"id":110,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36qij9/i_started_a_club_for_guys_with_erectile_dysfuntion/","score":4050,"part1":"I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"It was a total flop. Nobody came."},{"id":111,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vb2he/olympic_condoms_nsfw/","score":4046,"part1":"Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)","mature":true,"author":"MikeHuntOG","part2":"A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said \"Olympic Condoms\". He bought it, and told his wife about it.    \" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?\"    \" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.\"    \" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?\"    \" - Gold, obviously!\"    \" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change.\""},{"id":112,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2phow9/blonde_joke/","score":4037,"part1":"Blonde Joke","mature":false,"author":"rekhytkael","part2":"An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...  He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'  The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.  'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'  The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'"},{"id":113,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46vo4z/last_night_my_wife_started_calling_me_jeb_bush/","score":4043,"part1":"Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.","mature":false,"author":"AmerikanInfidel","part2":"I also pull out way to late."},{"id":114,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2y1wz8/mental_hospital/","score":4033,"part1":"Mental Hospital","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, \"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.\" Edna replied; \"He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?\""},{"id":115,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xhcs/as_i_slipped_my_finger_slowly_inside_her_hole/","score":4030,"part1":"As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...","mature":true,"author":"Infector101","part2":"I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.  I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.  \"I really need a new fucking boat,\" I thought to myself."},{"id":116,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkr6p/did_you_know_you_can_tell_the_gender_of_an_ant_by/","score":4033,"part1":"Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?","mature":false,"author":"hockeydude2k","part2":"If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant."},{"id":117,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ldpqi/racism_is_like_nickelback/","score":4039,"part1":"Racism is like Nickelback...","mature":false,"author":"Vorlonator","part2":"I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live."},{"id":118,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e0egg/a_man_walks_into_a_bar_nsfw/","score":4023,"part1":"A man walks into a bar... (NSFW)","mature":true,"author":"WEareLEGO","part2":"He orders nine shots.  The bartender apprehensive asks, \"whats the occasion?\"  The man mumbles, \"first blowjob.\"  The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.  The man downs all nine in a row.  The bartender still smiling says,   \"hey, make it an even ten. On the house.\"  The man shakes his head,   \"No thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help.\""},{"id":119,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31065v/i_broke_my_finger_today/","score":4027,"part1":"I broke my finger today...","mature":false,"author":"idkjay","part2":"But on the other hand I am completely fine."},{"id":120,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2n4cqh/deaf_sex/","score":4024,"part1":"Deaf Sex","mature":true,"author":"aslokaa","part2":"Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times."},{"id":121,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vm6cv/i_suggested_to_my_wife_that_shed_look_sexier_with/","score":4016,"part1":"I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back","mature":false,"author":"CokeSniffa","part2":"Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient."},{"id":122,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pwpu9/girl_asked_me_to_netflix_and_chill_but_i_download/","score":4016,"part1":"Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....","mature":false,"author":"mgaglioti23","part2":"So I was like na, more like pirate and booty."},{"id":123,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31udkb/nsfw_a_mother_and_father_are_snooping_around_in/","score":4018,"part1":"[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.","mature":true,"author":"SpiggleWiggle","part2":"Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything \"naughty.\" The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.  The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say \"*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!  The father replied \"We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure.\""},{"id":124,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4micpr/a_man_arrived_to_a_duel_with_only_a_pen_and_a/","score":4016,"part1":"A man arrived to a Duel with only a pen and a piece of paper","mature":false,"author":"psyduckyjuan","part2":"He proceeded to draw his weapon"},{"id":125,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c6hob/when_beethoven_passed_away_he_was_buried_in_a/","score":4103,"part1":"When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.","mature":false,"author":"lol_out_loud","part2":"A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, \"Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.\" He listened a while longer, and said, \"There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling.\" So the magistrate kept listening; \"There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth...\" Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, \"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.\""},{"id":126,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4f5177/so_a_naked_woman_walks_into_a_bar_and_asks_for_a/","score":4110,"part1":"So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...","mature":false,"author":"PinkLionThing","part2":"The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.  Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says:  -- What, have you never seen a naked woman before?  -- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers."},{"id":127,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/462amt/i_donated_10_to_bernies_campaign/","score":4114,"part1":"I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign","mature":false,"author":"dubbsmqt","part2":"Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary."},{"id":128,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1vulrr/so_a_blind_man_walks_into_a_bar/","score":4096,"part1":"So a blind man walks into a bar..","mature":false,"author":"xxForeverDeadlyxx","part2":"The blind man sits down,  thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking \"Wanna hear a blond joke?\"  In a hushed voice, a man beside him says \"Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4\" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player.  The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?\"   The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied \"No, not if I have to explain it five times.\""},{"id":129,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3369xu/i_came_out_my_front_door_this_morning_to_see_my/","score":4092,"part1":"I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word \"PEDO\" that had been spray painted on his front window.","mature":false,"author":"eninc","part2":"\"What's been going on John?\"' I asked.  \"Fucking kids,\" came his mumbled reply.  Dirty bastard."},{"id":130,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r13is/got_a_handjob_from_a_blind_girl_last_night/","score":4097,"part1":"Got a Handjob from a Blind Girl last night...","mature":false,"author":"BareLondis","part2":"She said \"You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on\" I said    \"Nah, you're pulling my leg\""},{"id":131,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jj7hb/how_do_you_turn_a_3d_printer_into_a_4d_printer/","score":4096,"part1":"How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"Just give it time."},{"id":132,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wpf1g/a_boy_was_born_without_a_body/","score":4091,"part1":"A boy was born without a body","mature":false,"author":"Warchief_Hammerhands","part2":"A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.  So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. \"Take another sip!\" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. \"Another!\" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.  The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.  \"What a shame\" his dad said.   \"He should have quit while he was ahead\""},{"id":133,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2wgnp5/roger_85_married_jenny_a_lovely_25_year_old/","score":4092,"part1":"Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old","mature":false,"author":"audiphile","part2":"Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.  After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.  Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.  All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.  After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,  Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.  When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.  She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.  And, once more they enjoy each other.  But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'  Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'"},{"id":134,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oc1vx/a_man_gets_i_love_you_tattooed_on_his_penis/","score":4097,"part1":"A man gets \"I love you\" tattooed on his penis.","mature":true,"author":"rockrock1","part2":"He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying \"there you go again trying to put words in my mouth\"."},{"id":135,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s2iu7/if_you_ever_feel_lonely/","score":4082,"part1":"If you ever feel lonely...","mature":false,"author":"Larmack","part2":"just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore."},{"id":136,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sodvg/my_girlfriend_just_dumped_me_for_talking_too_much/","score":4085,"part1":"My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games","mature":false,"author":"PeterrLFC","part2":"What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4"},{"id":137,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s83lx/give_a_man_a_plane_ticket/","score":4085,"part1":"Give a man a plane ticket...","mature":false,"author":"Jam2400","part2":"Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.  Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life."},{"id":138,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mzfo1/i_like_my_porn_just_how_i_like_my_search_history/","score":4086,"part1":"I like my porn just how I like my search history","mature":true,"author":"_Knight_Who_Says_Ni_","part2":"Disabled.     "},{"id":139,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2vofep/putin_at_the_airport/","score":4080,"part1":"Putin at the airport","mature":false,"author":"alacbar","part2":"Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.   Customs officer: Occupation?  Putin: No, just visiting."},{"id":140,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fkldb/im_writing_a_book_called_stop_overreacting/","score":4084,"part1":"I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'","mature":false,"author":"joelandrews","part2":"If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself."},{"id":141,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rg86q/karma_is_a_weird_name/","score":4073,"part1":"Karma is a weird name...","mature":false,"author":"kingsparis","part2":"They should rename \"karma\" to \"creddit\"   They should also rename the \"share\" button to \"spreaddit\"   They should then also rename the \"delete\" button to \"shreddit\"   But they don't, and I don't geddit              * Eddit: Wow, I did not expect to get gold for that one. Thank you all!"},{"id":142,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30rvl0/a_guy_texts_his_neighbor/","score":4079,"part1":"A guy texts his neighbor...","mature":false,"author":"california_chrome","part2":"A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:  \"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.\"  Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.  Moments later the guy gets a second text: \"Really should use spell check! That should be \"wifi\".\""},{"id":143,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oy5qy/how_many_narcissists_does_it_take_to_change_a/","score":4068,"part1":"How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?","mature":false,"author":"Krapshoot","part2":"Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him."},{"id":144,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30wv2y/push_harder_i_shouted_at_my_wife_while_she_was_in/","score":4078,"part1":"\"Push harder\" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"\"Push harder\" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. \"Screw you\" she screamed back at me.  Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!"},{"id":145,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q6nrx/a_soldier_survived_mustard_gas_in_battle_and_then/","score":4078,"part1":"A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?","mature":false,"author":"tdog8412","part2":"A seasoned veteran."},{"id":146,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/379q7a/im_not_saying_its_a_mistake_letting_my_girlfriend/","score":4078,"part1":"I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom."},{"id":147,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xzd4c/my_mom_dropped_this_one_on_me/","score":4070,"part1":"My mom dropped this one on me","mature":true,"author":"APairofDocks","part2":"Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, \"There's a big hole in your shirt!\"  I responded, \"Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it,\" pointing to her mouth.  Without a pause, she snaps back, \"Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago.\""},{"id":148,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ia9d7/if_the_next_president_is_white/","score":4060,"part1":"If the next president is white....","mature":false,"author":"jpristavec1","part2":"That means the entire country went black and successfully went back."},{"id":149,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2zjm7g/bank_robber_pulls_out_gun_points_it_at_the_teller/","score":4071,"part1":"Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...","mature":false,"author":"smeltfisher","part2":"Robber:  \"Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'  Cashier (puzzled) \"Did you mean to say \"or you're history?\"  Robber: \"Don't change the subject.\""},{"id":150,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sw3zg/a_guy_falls_in_love_with_a_very_traditional_girl/","score":4215,"part1":"A guy falls in love with a very traditional girl.....","mature":false,"author":"KellyfromLeedsUK","part2":"A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.  \"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand\"  A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks \"And why is that?\"  The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... \"Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.\""},{"id":151,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ihg2/my_daughter_told_me_i_should_treat_her_like_a/","score":4208,"part1":"My daughter told me I should treat her like a princess","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French."},{"id":152,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z0nz5/an_irishman_walks_into_a_job_interview/","score":4210,"part1":"An Irishman walks into a job interview.","mature":false,"author":"vimesh","part2":"A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.   Here is your first question, the boss said. \"Without using numbers, represent the number 9.\"   \"Without numbers?\" the man says, \"Dats easy.\"   [And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-cd69b48373ff4d3a59878c205c56551a?convert_to_webp=true)  \"What's this?\" the boss asks.   \"Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9\" says the man.  \"Fair enough,\" says the boss. \"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.\"  The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and [makes a smudge on each tree](https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-a151dc499635e4cfb4c2d2ed2262a28b?convert_to_webp=true)... \"Ere ye go.\"  The boss scratches his head and says, \"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?\"  \"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.\"   The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, \"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.\"  The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and [makes a little mark at the base of each tree](https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-27f642b08fb87f078a110b90c5c5bf65?convert_to_webp=true) and says, \"Ere ye go. One hundred.\"  The boss looks at the attempt and says, \"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!\"              The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, \"A little dog came along and pooped by each tree...so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!\"  ~~This Irishman is the new supervisor.~~   **"},{"id":153,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ukfxr/my_girlfriends_father_called_me_a_pedophile_just/","score":4202,"part1":"My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.","mature":false,"author":"Yarini","part2":"Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary."},{"id":154,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h8w0z/10_catholic_priest_all_die_in_a_bus_accident/","score":4199,"part1":"10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident","mature":true,"author":"shsourov","part2":"When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says \"If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!\".  9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.  St Peter calls after them. \"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!\""},{"id":155,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a4ut1/why_did_jon_snow_stand_in_line_for_6_hours_at_the/","score":4197,"part1":"Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?","mature":false,"author":"Adamlefev","part2":"For the watch"},{"id":156,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/330bw7/i_am_a_dyslexic_ama_fighter_mma/","score":4196,"part1":"I am a dyslexic AMA fighter, MMA","mature":false,"author":"MrDyl4n","part2":""},{"id":157,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41zyms/i_can_sympathize_with_batteries/","score":4198,"part1":"I can sympathize with batteries.","mature":false,"author":"the_alabaster_llama","part2":"I never get included in anything either."},{"id":158,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3coey4/during_a_job_interview_yestarday_i_poured_some/","score":4192,"part1":"During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly","mature":false,"author":"USBCABLEGUY","part2":"\"Nervous?\" asked the interviewer, I simply replied \"No I always give 110%\""},{"id":159,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4buvas/did_you_know_that_pigeons_die_when_they_have_sex/","score":4195,"part1":"Did you know, that pigeons die when they have sex?","mature":true,"author":"baehr94","part2":"At least the one I fucked did."},{"id":160,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tfdo5/pretty_woman_sneezes/","score":4193,"part1":"Pretty woman sneezes","mature":false,"author":"Techtorn211","part2":"At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. \"This is so embarrassing,\" the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. \"I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?\" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, \"You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?\" \"No,\" she replies. \"You just happened to catch my eye.\""},{"id":161,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hgj29/why_did_the_feminist_fail_algebra/","score":4198,"part1":"Why did the feminist fail algebra?","mature":false,"author":"deezchubz","part2":"She couldn't solve inequalities"},{"id":162,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zuwaq/why_is_the_archaeologist_sad/","score":4189,"part1":"Why is the archaeologist sad?","mature":false,"author":"g0vern0r","part2":"Because his career is in ruins."},{"id":163,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4go5q7/teacher_tell_me_a_sentence_that_starts_with_an_i/","score":4184,"part1":"Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an \"I\"????","mature":false,"author":"Funtube360","part2":"Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an \"I\".  Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an \"I\". Always put 'am' after an \"I\". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."},{"id":164,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43zkg0/what_do_you_call_batman_when_he_skips_church/","score":4182,"part1":"What do you call batman when he skips church?","mature":false,"author":"LobsterFordinner","part2":"Christian Bale"},{"id":165,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kyno/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta/","score":4184,"part1":"I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta...","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"Now it's a Ford Focus."},{"id":166,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mmm91/rihanna_was_asked_why_do_you_think_chris_brown/","score":4180,"part1":"Rihanna was asked; \"why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?\"","mature":false,"author":"mobryers","part2":"She replied:   \"Beats the hell outta me\"   "},{"id":167,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mtyfk/a_2nd_grade_teacher_decides_to_teach_sex_ed_to/","score":4186,"part1":"A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class...","mature":false,"author":"Saltones","part2":"She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, \"Does anyone know what this is?\"  And little Johnny says, \"Yes, my dad has 2 of them!\"  And the teacher says, \"Are you sure about that?\"  And little Johnny says, \"Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth.\""},{"id":168,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q2zi3/saw_a_hooker_on_the_street_who_said_shed_do/","score":4178,"part1":"Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.","mature":false,"author":"TheKetchupG","part2":"Guess who got the front porch repainted.  "},{"id":169,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/28acqx/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/","score":4187,"part1":"forgive me father for i have sinned...","mature":false,"author":"duck_man123","part2":"... \"go on\" says the priest. \"I swore the other day\" says the man. \"continue\" says the priest. \"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway\". \"and this is when you swore?\" asked the priest. \"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough\" continued the man. \"this must have been when you swore?\" the priest exclaimed. \"No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it\" continued the man. \"Ahhh I see\" says the priest \"this must have been the point where you swore\" \"Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole\" The priest pauses for a few seconds \"you missed the fucking putt didn't you?\""},{"id":170,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d4pq2/the_worst_joke_i_can_remember_nsfw_warning_this/","score":4181,"part1":"The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible","mature":true,"author":"East_Threadly","part2":"A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost.  Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her!  Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote.  In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the poor creature.  Shocked beyond words, the woman went around the man as quickly as possibly and drove on.   Speeding toward some lights in the distance, she discovered a bar with a sheriffs  car parked outside.   \"It figures\", she thought, and resolved to go inside and file a complaint.  On a rocking chair near the door, an old man was sitting and masturbating openly.  Horrified, she stomped into the bar and straight away went up to the sheriff, who was sitting at the bar.  She shouted at the sheriff:   \"What sort of town are you running here?!  You've got people running around the desert fucking coyotes, and- and just outside there was an old man masturbating openly!  How can you explain this?!\"   The sheriff sipped his beer and said, \"Ah well, you can't expect him to catch a coyote at his age\""},{"id":171,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47p2uo/a_priest_goes_to_the_mechanic/","score":4178,"part1":"A priest goes to the mechanic","mature":false,"author":"tmountain","part2":"He tells the mechanic, \"hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage.\" The mechanic says, \"my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you.\" The priest returns the following day, and he says, \"well, how is it?\" The mechanic says, \"we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt.\" Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, \"better give it another quarter turn.\""},{"id":172,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33h1x6/what_does_a_girl_want_more_than_anything_in_the/","score":4174,"part1":"What does a girl want more than anything in the world?","mature":false,"author":"Zockman175","part2":"Nothing. She's fine.   "},{"id":173,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qv6bj/who_led_the_jews_across_a_semipermeable_membrane/","score":4170,"part1":"Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?","mature":false,"author":"bitsbots","part2":"osMoses"},{"id":174,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g48s3/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/","score":4167,"part1":"A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..","mature":false,"author":"KellyfromLeedsUK","part2":"A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.  Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.  Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.  Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline."},{"id":175,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oajo2/damn_girl_are_you_rjokes/","score":3646,"part1":"Damn girl, are you /r/jokes","mature":false,"author":"16georcn","part2":"Because you are getting old"},{"id":176,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lztz8/patrick_wants_a_bike/","score":3648,"part1":"Patrick wants a bike...","mature":false,"author":"fitlogin","part2":"For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, \"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.\"  The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, \"Son, where are you going?\"  Little Patrick told him, \"I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!\""},{"id":177,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cw1jo/a_portuguese_a_greek_and_a_spaniard_go_into_a/","score":3647,"part1":"A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?","mature":false,"author":"Dezzillion","part2":"Germany."},{"id":178,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sadrh/i_want_a_divorce/","score":3640,"part1":"I Want A Divorce","mature":false,"author":"Cruzinspeed","part2":"A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, \"What are the grounds for your divorce?\"  \"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.\"  \"No,\" he said, \"I mean what is the foundation of this case?\"  \"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,\" she responded.  \"I mean,\" he continued, \"what are your relations like?\"  \"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents.\"  The judge took a deep breath and asked, \"Do you have a real grudge?\"  \"No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car.\"  \"Please,\" he tried again, \"is there any infidelity in your marriage?\"  \"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it.\"  \"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?\"  \"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.\"  The judge asked, \"Is your husband a nagger?\"  \"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!\"  Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, \"Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?  \"Oh, I don't want a divorce,\" she replied. \"I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me.\""},{"id":179,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3naln8/what_do_you_get_if_you_cross_islam_and_capitalism/","score":3642,"part1":"What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?","mature":false,"author":"marouane53","part2":"No more jokes about the profit."},{"id":180,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2yc978/are_you_sure_im_drunk/","score":3638,"part1":"are you sure I'm drunk?","mature":false,"author":"Akhi1","part2":"A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.   A cop pulled up and said, \"I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk.\"   The wasted man asked, \"Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?\"   \"Yeah buddy, I'm sure,\" said the cop, \"Let's go.\"   Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, \"Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled.\""},{"id":181,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ttft2/whats_the_difference_in_a_dirty_bus_station_and_a/","score":3628,"part1":"What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?","mature":false,"author":"FontFanatic","part2":"Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean."},{"id":182,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2lfohg/hillbilly_stripper/","score":3642,"part1":"Hillbilly Stripper","mature":false,"author":"weaverl47","part2":"Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.  He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, \"What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?\"  \"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,\" says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. \"But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.\""},{"id":183,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2af3ta/a_woman_awakes_in_the_middle_of_the_night_to_find/","score":3635,"part1":"A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed.","mature":false,"author":"bigbadwolf69","part2":"She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. \"What's the matter, dear?\" she whispers as she steps into the room.... \"Why are you down here at this time of night!?\" The husband looks up from his drink, \"It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.\" She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, \"Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,\" he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. \"Yes, I do\" she replies. The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. \"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?\" \"Yes, I remember\" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. \"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?\" \"I remember that, too\" she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, \"I would have gotten out today.\"   "},{"id":184,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4onshn/a_british_man_is_visiting_australia/","score":3625,"part1":"A British man is visiting Australia.","mature":false,"author":"danetaylor","part2":"The man at customs asks him \"Do you have a criminal record?\" The British man replies \"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more.\""},{"id":185,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2mhauz/ive_been_fired_from_work_for_putting_in_too_many/","score":3632,"part1":"I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts","mature":false,"author":"onlywookie","part2":"Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think"},{"id":186,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ec6o9/my_gf_said_men_only_think_with_their_penis/","score":3625,"part1":"My gf said men only think with their penis.","mature":true,"author":"keepcalmandbecalm","part2":"I told her to go ahead and blow my mind."},{"id":187,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35hdfe/5_advices_to_men_for_a_happy_life/","score":3628,"part1":"5 advices to men for a happy life","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,   2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,  3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,  4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,   5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet."},{"id":188,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qg030/to_whoever_stole_my_copy_of_microsoft_office_i/","score":3624,"part1":"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..","mature":false,"author":"already_satisfied","part2":"You have my Word."},{"id":189,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/w8sge/two_chemists_walk_into_a_bar/","score":3625,"part1":"Two chemists walk into a bar.","mature":false,"author":"DSSCRA","part2":"Two chemists walk into a bar.    The first one says, \"I'll have some H2O.\"    The second says, \"I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work.\"    The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.    His assassination plot had failed."},{"id":190,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zpb7l/they_say_that_every_2_out_of_3_people_live_next/","score":3625,"part1":"They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile","mature":false,"author":"thebeastfromhell","part2":"Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds"},{"id":191,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42xchq/for_health_reasons_my_doctor_says_i_should_avoid/","score":3627,"part1":"For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats","mature":false,"author":"Denchenda226","part2":"I'm gonna miss tumblr"},{"id":192,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3e7n2c/what_do_you_get_when_you_shoot_four_bullets_into/","score":3627,"part1":"What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?","mature":false,"author":"ironbitchtitties","part2":"A Tupac..."},{"id":193,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4af833/socialist_jokes_are_not_funny/","score":3613,"part1":"Socialist jokes are not funny","mature":false,"author":"grendel123","part2":"Unless everyone gets them."},{"id":194,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32x2y9/i_just_finished_designing_a_website_for_an/","score":3616,"part1":"I just finished designing a website for an orphanage","mature":false,"author":"MooseGuzzler","part2":"There isn't a home page"},{"id":195,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d94ow/i_told_my_buddy_that_jewish_people_call_god_by_a/","score":3606,"part1":"I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name","mature":false,"author":"Ability345","part2":"He was like, \"No way!\"  I was like, \"Yahweh\""},{"id":196,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40wijk/a_hero_comes_to_a_village/","score":3609,"part1":"A hero comes to a village...","mature":false,"author":"lockon28","part2":"The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. \"There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls\" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death."},{"id":197,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ir6dh/a_rapist_and_con_artist_get_caught_by_the_sheriff/","score":3613,"part1":"A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.","mature":false,"author":"Kuklachev","part2":"The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.  The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.  After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.  The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”  The man asks, “Why not?”  And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”"},{"id":198,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qa0df/a_man_gets_on_a_bus_and_ends_up_sitting_next_to_a/","score":3599,"part1":"A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.","mature":true,"author":"StudiousIndianStar","part2":"Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.   The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.   \"Well,\" says the bus driver, \"every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you.\"   The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.   \"Oh, God!\" she exclaims. \"Take me with you!\"   The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.   Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.   \"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!\"   \"Ha, ha!\" says the nun, removing her costume. \"I'm the bus driver!\""},{"id":199,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48w73j/what_happens_when_donald_trump_takes_viagra/","score":3606,"part1":"What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?","mature":false,"author":"cuihz2009","part2":"He grows taller."},{"id":200,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/489y42/a_mummy_calls_a_restauraunt/","score":3934,"part1":"A mummy calls a restauraunt.","mature":false,"author":"thefran","part2":"- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I. - Could you spell it out, please? - Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab."},{"id":201,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s7vif/why_cant_you_hear_a_pterodactyl_go_to_the_bathroom/","score":3933,"part1":"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?","mature":false,"author":"AlyGab","part2":"Because they are dead."},{"id":202,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1s47dn/a_shipwreck_only_scarlett_johansson_and_some/","score":3928,"part1":"A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...","mature":false,"author":"badillin","part2":"They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...  At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...  He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...  One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.  But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... \"Whats wrong?\" Scarlett Johansson asked, \"Nothing...\" the guy would say...  She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...   - \"Really?, youll do anything id like?\"  - \"yes\" she said \"anything!\"  - \"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore\"  - \"ok...\"  - \"now put this shirt on please, but first, \"tape\" your boobs so they are flat\"  - \"wha... ok, id say id do anything\" she said lovingly.  - \"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it\"  she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.  - \"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache\"  - \"ok... if this is what you want...\" she muttered.  - \"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit\" he said a bit excited...  She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: \"DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!\""},{"id":203,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xnyv7/what_starts_with_e_and_has_only_one_letter_in_it/","score":3926,"part1":"What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it?","mature":false,"author":"MrDNL","part2":"Envelope!"},{"id":204,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vk75w/what_does_tumblr_and_kfcs_chicken_have_in_common/","score":3919,"part1":"What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?","mature":true,"author":"KoolKoala96","part2":"They both contain high amounts of trans fats.  "},{"id":205,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4scp0i/is_your_refrigerator_running/","score":3924,"part1":"Is your refrigerator running?","mature":false,"author":"thurdaboot","part2":"Because I'd vote for it."},{"id":206,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3twii6/im_36_but_have_the_body_an_18yearold/","score":3916,"part1":"I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old","mature":false,"author":"gargle-greg","part2":"The police are pretty upset about it."},{"id":207,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kkxbo/dumbest_kid_in_the_world/","score":3924,"part1":"Dumbest kid in the world...","mature":false,"author":"KellyfromLeedsUK","part2":"A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”   The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”  Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”   The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”"},{"id":208,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkzb5/nsfw_totally_legit_but_you_can_use_a_joke_if_you/","score":3921,"part1":"[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.","mature":true,"author":"flungabunga","part2":"**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid night.   **Story:** With the heat and humidity I was finding it very hard to sleep, and had taken to watching some Japanese horror flicks on my laptop to kill some time. I had my headphones on since I needed to open all the bedroom windows (thanks to the heat) and I didn't want to disturb my neighbours. At a poignant part of the story in the movie, I could hear over the sound track a slow rhythmic masculine groan. After about a minute of confusion I realised that some of my neighbours were enjoying some casual coital union. The rhythmic groan picked up in frequency and amplitude, and was soon offset with his partners feminine \"yes\"es. Needless to say, I was no longer watching my horror movie and I was laughing hysterically, yet quietly, at this point into my pillow.  Quickly their coital activities got to a point of \"fever pitch\" where the male neighbour announced, \"I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum!\" to which the female neighbour demands he \"wait, and cum on my face!\". Cue a series of climatic groaning and other such sounds of affirmation.  Job done, the female announces that she's heading off to have a shower (good call) and goes to the bathroom to do so. All the windows are open it seems, as one can hear all the associated sounds of a shower hard earned.   Upon her arrival back into the bedroom the female scolds her counterpart for lighting up and enjoying a cigarette in her absence,  stating \"Dammit you know that ciggie smoke irritates my sinuses!\". Shortly after this statement, she sneezes loudly and impressively. At this point I turn towards my open window and say in a nice loud voice \"Bless you!\"...  ..Silence...  ...An embarrassed scream.  ...And a Guinness World Record attempt in the number of windows closed in the shortest period of time possible.   I nearly pissed myself laughing."},{"id":209,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30tqhu/4_6_8_and_9_have_all_been_killed/","score":3923,"part1":"4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.","mature":false,"author":"BookerGinger","part2":"2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects."},{"id":210,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y7qbx/my_wifes_inappropriate_christmas_dinner_joke/","score":3922,"part1":"My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke","mature":false,"author":"astral1289","part2":"Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow.  We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down.  The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll.  My lame joke: >\"Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys.\"  Wife looks down at her chest: >\"Well now I feel self-conscious...  Wait, is that why you always turn me face down?\"  Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red.  "},{"id":211,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tw95r/what_makes_an_isis_joke_funny/","score":3924,"part1":"What makes an ISIS joke funny?","mature":false,"author":"sibbicool","part2":"The execution"},{"id":212,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qbdqs/the_king_of_francensfw/","score":3922,"part1":"The king of france...[NSFW]","mature":true,"author":"soljakid","part2":"...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.  The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout \"viva la france!!\"  The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout \"Viva la españa!!\"  The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts \"God save the Queen!!!\"    "},{"id":213,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v0b76/a_senior_citizen_called_her_husband_during_his/","score":3920,"part1":"A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.","mature":false,"author":"iTaloNi","part2":"\"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!\"  Herman said, \"It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!\""},{"id":214,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbuiv/a_couple_is_walking_in_east_berlin_on_christmas/","score":3909,"part1":"A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...","mature":false,"author":"AHapppyPandaBear","part2":"A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.  \"I think it's raining,\" says the man.  \"No, it's snowing,\" replies the woman.  \"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!\" exclaims the main. \"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?  \"Definitely raining,\" Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.  The man turns to his wife with a smile. \"See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.\"  "},{"id":215,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2w2vyz/do_you_have_a_vagina/","score":3903,"part1":"\"Do you have a vagina?\"","mature":false,"author":"RyanTheEngineer","part2":"A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there  He asks the lady,   'Do you have a vagina?'  She slams the door in disgust.  The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,  'Do you have a vagina?'   She slams the door again.  Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,  'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'  The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,   'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'   She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;   'Do you have vagina'?  'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.  The man replies..  'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'      Edit #1: Hey guys, thanks for the many upvotes, hope y'all enjoyed it.  Edit #2: To all those that kept saying that this is a repost, well...it is. Jokes are meant to be share, just because you've seen it doesn't mean that everyone have seen it too. I'm reposting this for those who haven't seen it yet, if you've seen it then good for you.  Sorry for my bad engrish though..."},{"id":216,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ifqig/my_sister_asked_me_to_take_off_her_clothes/","score":3898,"part1":"My sister asked me to take off her clothes","mature":false,"author":"Mostuu","part2":"So I took off her shirt.   Then she said, \"Take off my skirt.\"   I took off her skirt.   \"Take off my shoes.\" I took off her shoes.   \"Now take off my bra and panties.\"   and so I took them off.    Then she looked at me and said, \"I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again.\""},{"id":217,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3rai/what_do_jewish_pedophiles_say/","score":3907,"part1":"What do Jewish pedophiles say?","mature":false,"author":"RealistRed","part2":"“Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”"},{"id":218,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ac2wf/i_asked_my_north_korean_friend_what_life_was_like/","score":3909,"part1":"I asked my North Korean friend what life was like in North Korea","mature":false,"author":"_Boba_Fett","part2":"\"Can't complain\", he said."},{"id":219,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kz00g/whats_a_comedians_least_favorite_drink/","score":3896,"part1":"What's a comedians least favorite drink?","mature":false,"author":"Browncoat6215","part2":"Booze"},{"id":220,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o0vvv/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_microwave/","score":3896,"part1":"I like my women like I like my microwave","mature":false,"author":"-Init-","part2":"Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her."},{"id":221,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/391viv/a_woman_tries_getting_on_a_bus_but_realizes_her/","score":3898,"part1":"A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight.","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.   With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.  After becoming quite frusturated and embarassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.   About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,  She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled \"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!\"  The texan smiled and drawled \"Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."},{"id":222,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xdxwo/if_trump_replaces_obama_as_president/","score":3886,"part1":"If Trump replaces Obama as president,","mature":false,"author":"BesterBua","part2":"Orange will be the new Black."},{"id":223,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zrrkh/so_i_started_a_club_for_guys_with_erectile/","score":3889,"part1":"So i started a club for guys with erectile dysfunction....","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"Was a total flop, nobody came."},{"id":224,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2xgboe/what_do_you_get_if_you_insert_human_dna_into_a/","score":3889,"part1":"What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?","mature":false,"author":"mykeuk","part2":"Banned from the zoo."},{"id":225,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tgwrd/what_do_you_call_a_stolen_tesla/","score":3969,"part1":"What do you call a stolen Tesla?","mature":false,"author":"DumpMyBlues","part2":"An Edison."},{"id":226,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fbdgd/dad_my_girlfriends_pregnant/","score":3959,"part1":"Dad my girlfriends pregnant","mature":false,"author":"nmhmap","part2":"\"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant.\"  \"I'm not mad, just disappointed.\"  \"Hi disappointed, I'm dad.\"  \"Did you jus...\"  \"Yes.\"  \"You're ready.\"  \"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad.\""},{"id":227,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/331xv7/there_are_2_people_on_a_boat/","score":3966,"part1":"There are 2 people on a boat…","mature":false,"author":"KingdomOfYourFace","part2":"There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?  They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*  "},{"id":228,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qvf7p/why_are_the_twin_towers_and_genders_so_similar/","score":3966,"part1":"Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?","mature":false,"author":"DedotatedSkrub","part2":"Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now."},{"id":229,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yyvzk/a_kid_had_sex_with_his_teacher/","score":3966,"part1":"A kid had sex with his teacher.","mature":false,"author":"Zockman175","part2":"So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, \"What did you do at school today?\" The kid replies, \"I had sex with the teacher.\" The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, \"Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike.\" Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, \"Would you like to try it out?\" The son replies, \"Not now. My butt still hurts.\"  "},{"id":230,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41io2l/the_hells_angels_are_riding/","score":3962,"part1":"The hells angels are riding....","mature":false,"author":"eyeofanowl","part2":"On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped. John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, \"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?\" She says tearfully, \"I'm going to kill myself!!\" While he didn't want to appear \"sensitive,\" John also didn't want to miss this \"be-a-legend\" opportunity either so he asked, \"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' John here your best last kiss?\" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, John gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, \"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?\" She explained, \"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.\" It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.  Wow front page cool...a lot of you need to chill out tho"},{"id":231,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3swcf6/nsfw_a_mother_and_father_are_snooping_around_in/","score":3961,"part1":"[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.","mature":true,"author":"Techtorn211","part2":"Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything \"naughty.\" The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines. The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say \"Oh my god! What should we do about this?! The father replied \"We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure.\""},{"id":232,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/456qj9/if_the_number_666_is_considered_evil/","score":3955,"part1":"If the number 666 is considered evil","mature":false,"author":"spaceion","part2":"..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?  "},{"id":233,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3enuwp/the_president_of_the_united_states_and_the_prime/","score":3954,"part1":"The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.","mature":false,"author":"TurbinePro","part2":"The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.   The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.  The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:\"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!\"  The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, \"Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!\"  The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:\"Mister president, please don't, I have family.\"  "},{"id":234,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gdols/two_scientists_walk_into_a_bar/","score":3956,"part1":"Two scientists walk into a bar.","mature":false,"author":"MycoChemist","part2":"\"I'll have H2O,\" says the first.  \"I'll have H2O, too,\" says the second.  The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context."},{"id":235,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vk0wo/i_won_the_lottery_for_a_million_dollars_today_so/","score":3956,"part1":"I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.","mature":false,"author":"Xeizar","part2":"I now have $999,999.75"},{"id":236,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38rtoj/how_long_is_a_chinese_name/","score":3945,"part1":"How Long is a Chinese name.","mature":false,"author":"Rockettech5","part2":"It's not a question."},{"id":237,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b1pbk/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/","score":3940,"part1":"A man walks into a bar","mature":false,"author":"manu1287","part2":"and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.   The woman notices this and asks, \"Is your date running late?\"   \"No,\" he replies, \"I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.\"   The intrigued woman says, \"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?\"   \"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,\" he explains.   \"What's it telling you now?\" she asked.   \"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.\" he said.   The woman giggles and replies, \"Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!\"   The man explains, \"Damn thing must be an hour fast.\""},{"id":238,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1bieaw/the_3_spies/","score":3949,"part1":"The 3 Spies","mature":false,"author":"Reticulin","part2":"There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, \" I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!\".  "},{"id":239,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4t2htj/what_sound_does_a_turkey_make/","score":3940,"part1":"What sound does a Turkey make?","mature":false,"author":"485075","part2":"\"coup coup\""},{"id":240,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14ljrz/i_was_telling_a_girl_in_the_pub_about_my_ability/","score":3951,"part1":"I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...","mature":false,"author":"Belmish","part2":"\"Really?\" she said, \"Go on then...try.\" After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded \"Come on, what day was I born?\"  “Yesterday.\" I replied."},{"id":241,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jn1jc/how_do_you_spot_an_attention_whore_on_reddit/","score":3950,"part1":"How do you spot an attention whore on reddit?","mature":false,"author":"Glowshroom","part2":""},{"id":242,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ywog8/a_90_year_old_holocaust_survivor_told_me_this_joke/","score":3942,"part1":"A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.","mature":false,"author":"KnivesAndShallots","part2":"Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says \"Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.\"  The one says to the other, \"should we do it??\" The other says \"NO!! Are you crazy?\" The first guy replies \"Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it.\" So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.   The friend says \"well, did you get the money?\" He replies \"Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??\""},{"id":243,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qf8d7/sex_after_surgery/","score":3938,"part1":"Sex after Surgery","mature":false,"author":"Bushwacker61","part2":"A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.    A hospital spokesman replied: \"Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!\""},{"id":244,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bpvk5/whats_the_best_way_to_break_up_with_your/","score":3938,"part1":"What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?","mature":false,"author":"Granary_Oaf","part2":"On the front page of reddit."},{"id":245,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ximhv/til_that_for_release_in_finland_the_original/","score":3935,"part1":"TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.","mature":false,"author":"SerpentJoe","part2":"FINNISH HYMN!!!"},{"id":246,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/vvpxw/the_maid_asked_for_a_raise_and_the_wife_was_upset/","score":3938,"part1":"The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.","mature":false,"author":"a1reddit","part2":"The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.  She asked, \"Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?\"  Helen: \"There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.\"  Wife: \"Who said that?\"  Helen: \"Your husband.\"  Wife: \"Oh.\"  Helen: \"The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.\"  Wife: \"Who said that?\"  Helen: \"Your husband.\"  Wife: \"Oh.\"  Helen: \"The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.\"  Wife: \"Did my husband say that as well?\"  Helen: \"No, the gardener did.\"  Wife: \"So, how much do you want?\""},{"id":247,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i439i/some_bloke_just_told_me_he_was_gonna_smack_me/","score":3930,"part1":"Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....","mature":false,"author":"tomh1982","part2":"I said, is that a fret?"},{"id":248,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2y4wh6/how_to_win_the_war_on_drugs/","score":3942,"part1":"How to win the war on drugs","mature":false,"author":"Jasonwfranks","part2":"1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service."},{"id":249,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31rlhp/whats_the_stupidest_animal_in_the_jungle/","score":3940,"part1":"What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?","mature":false,"author":"ItsGameOverNow","part2":"The Polar bear."},{"id":250,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31ma0f/my_roommates_diary_says_i_have_boundary_issues/","score":4596,"part1":"My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.","mature":false,"author":"Ehutzz","part2":""},{"id":251,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yefpd/what_do_you_call_a_frenchman_wearing_sandals/","score":4594,"part1":"What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?","mature":false,"author":"itman290","part2":"Philippe Philoppe."},{"id":252,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tx1a7/people_say_to_me_jesus_was_not_jewish/","score":4599,"part1":"People say to me Jesus was not Jewish","mature":false,"author":"divine_dive","part2":"## I say ofcourse he was Jewish  + 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents + Working in his father's business + His mother thought he was God's gift  ## He's Jewish. Give it up  **** _by Robin Williams_  Happy Birthday Robin!"},{"id":253,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37yia7/a_dea_officer_stopped_at_our_farm_yesterday/","score":4598,"part1":"A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...","mature":false,"author":"InsomniacAlways","part2":"\"I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.\"  I said, \"Okay, but don't go into that field over there.....\"  The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, \"Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!\" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. \"See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!\"  I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.  I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs...  \"Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!\""},{"id":254,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vtnl3/accordion_to_a_recent_survey_replacing_words_with/","score":4590,"part1":"Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.","mature":false,"author":"Sutherby","part2":""},{"id":255,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j66je/a_man_has_a_25_inch_long_penis/","score":4582,"part1":"A man has a 25 inch long penis","mature":false,"author":"etheriumvamp","part2":"And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem.  When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his penis will shrink by five inches.  He goes to the frog, and asks him, \"will you have sex with me?\" The frog said \"no!\" and his penis shrunk by five inches.  He thought this was great and asked again, \"will you have sex with me?\" The frog again said \"no!\" and his penis shrunk by five inches.  The man was very pleased and thought his penis was still a little too big. He decided to ask the frog one last time, \"will you have sex with me?\"  \"How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!\""},{"id":256,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zk950/having_gay_parents_must_be_horrible/","score":4589,"part1":"Having gay parents must be horrible","mature":false,"author":"Gigaplex1","part2":"You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of \"go ask your mom\""},{"id":257,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xp7a8/a_woman_asked_a_general_in_the_army_the_last_time/","score":4583,"part1":"A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...","mature":false,"author":"Cmille19","part2":"The general stood tall and said \"1956 ma'am.\" The woman, taken back by this answer said \"1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better...\" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said \"well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...\". The general looked at her confused and said \"well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!\""},{"id":258,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/406q64/daughters_vibrator/","score":4586,"part1":"Daughter's vibrator","mature":false,"author":"itsnewbsdelight","part2":"A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.  When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.      What are you doing?\" she exclaimed.      The daughter replied, \"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.\"     Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.  When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.      \"What are you doing?\" he exclaimed.     The daughter replied, \"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.\"      A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.  In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.     \"What are you doing?\" she exclaimed.      He replied............\"Watching the game with my son-in-law.\""},{"id":259,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/450kcd/two_deer_walk_out_of_a_gay_bar/","score":4577,"part1":"Two deer walk out of a gay bar...","mature":false,"author":"PM_ME_YOUR_GINGER","part2":"One of them turns to the other and says \"I can't believe I blew thirty bucks in there\""},{"id":260,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jelh0/i_only_believe_in_125_of_everything_the_bible_says/","score":4569,"part1":"I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.","mature":false,"author":"mapleleafraggedy","part2":"Which makes me an eighth theist."},{"id":261,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40qrqq/when_one_door_closes/","score":4575,"part1":"When one door closes...","mature":false,"author":"Ferox745","part2":"An incognito window opens."},{"id":262,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3due8g/an_85yearold_man_had_to_take_a_sperm_count_for/","score":4570,"part1":"An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam","mature":false,"author":"that2ndindian","part2":"The doctor gave the man a jar and said, \"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.\" The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. \"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.\" The doctor was shocked! \"You asked your neighbor?\" The old man replied, \"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."},{"id":263,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q8klr/i_try_to_teach_my_mom_something_new_everyday/","score":4573,"part1":"I try to teach my mom something new everyday.","mature":false,"author":"CharlesButtlet","part2":"Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.  "},{"id":264,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3iqmrx/exwife/","score":4567,"part1":"Ex-Wife","mature":false,"author":"weaverl47","part2":"Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.   His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. \"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.  Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, \"Darling, what's wrong?\"   \"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.\"   \"Ex-wife!”, she screams, \"YOU NEVER TOLD ME  YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!\"  Tom's reply: \"I wasn't\"."},{"id":265,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c03y8/ellen_paos_career/","score":4570,"part1":"Ellen Pao's career","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":""},{"id":266,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dg4l3/how_to_fall_down_the_stairs/","score":4563,"part1":"How to Fall Down the Stairs","mature":false,"author":"EpicLives7","part2":"Step 1  Step 2  Step 5  Step 9  Step 12  Floor"},{"id":267,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oc8k3/as_a_german_i_have_to_ask_you_know_what_really/","score":4555,"part1":"As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?","mature":false,"author":"p1ksel","part2":"Nothing. Our engineering is perfect."},{"id":268,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42l5vo/what_is_the_difference_between_usa_and_usb/","score":4563,"part1":"What is the difference between USA and USB?","mature":false,"author":"UncleJock","part2":"One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard."},{"id":269,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48xi9j/apparently_monica_lewinsky_wont_be_voting_for/","score":4561,"part1":"Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth"},{"id":270,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2o9fln/we_shouldve_known_about_the_failure_of_communism/","score":4551,"part1":"We should've known about the failure of communism","mature":false,"author":"Parov","part2":"In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags..."},{"id":271,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s5qw4/four_surgeons/","score":4548,"part1":"Four Surgeons","mature":false,"author":"raknor88","part2":"Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.  The first surgeon says, \"I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order\".  The second surgeon says, \"I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order\".  The third surgeon says, \"I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded.\"  The fourth surgeon says, \"I like operating on politicians.\"  The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.  The fourth surgeon continues, \"Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable.\""},{"id":272,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/460hms/i_have_just_started_a_sexual_relationship_with_a/","score":4554,"part1":"I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.","mature":false,"author":"Lrat","part2":"Took me ages to get her husband's voice right."},{"id":273,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uo1gr/blonde_guy_gets_home_from_work/","score":4549,"part1":"Blonde guy gets home from work...","mature":false,"author":"Two_Es_For_ArtEEzy","part2":"Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.  \"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!\"  He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:  \"Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!\"  He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.  \"WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!\""},{"id":274,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tp0b9/who_is_calling/","score":4545,"part1":"Who is calling?","mature":false,"author":"Akhi1","part2":"The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.   Paddy answered, \"We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.\"   There was a stony silence for a second or two.   ''Do you know who you are speaking to?''  ''No,'' said Paddy.   ''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''   ''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy  ''No,'' roared the colonel.   ''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone."},{"id":275,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r2j17/why_did_obama_get_two_terms/","score":3774,"part1":"Why did Obama get two terms?","mature":false,"author":"DrFelixPhD","part2":"Because black men always get a longer sentence"},{"id":276,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4iy8l2/purple_is_my_favorite_color/","score":3771,"part1":"Purple is my favorite color!","mature":false,"author":"Tysciha","part2":"I like it more than blue and red combined."},{"id":277,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sy1g4/a_redneck_finds_out_his_girlfriend_is_a_virgin/","score":3765,"part1":"A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...","mature":false,"author":"Slimebeast","part2":"A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.  Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...  \"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!\""},{"id":278,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwf3y/whats_big_black_and_loaded_with_aids/","score":3768,"part1":"What's big, black and loaded with aids?","mature":false,"author":"TorinoCobra070","part2":"A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist."},{"id":279,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37wilr/in_honor_of_his_passing_my_dads_favorite_joke_to/","score":3764,"part1":"In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters","mature":false,"author":"hardlyart","part2":"Waiter: \"And to drink, sir?\"  Dad: \"I'll have a blind coke.\"  Waiter: \"I'm sorry?\"  Dad: \"You know, a blind coke. No ice.\""},{"id":280,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b3yfa/im_sorry_and_i_apologise_usually_mean_the_same/","score":3763,"part1":"\"I'm sorry\" and \"I apologise\" usually mean the same thing","mature":false,"author":"that_introverted_guy","part2":"...except at a funeral"},{"id":281,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2f6002/i_had_a_bukkake_party_last_night/","score":3766,"part1":"I had a bukkake party last night.","mature":false,"author":"AscheLeben","part2":"It was a disaster. Nobody came.   "},{"id":282,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3khkw1/america_is_going_to_suffer_if_donald_trump/","score":3758,"part1":"America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president.","mature":false,"author":"calciumtellurium","part2":"You could say they are going toupée for it."},{"id":283,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2uvhny/parking_tickets/","score":3765,"part1":"Parking Tickets","mature":false,"author":"service_plumber","part2":"So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, \"Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?\"  He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!  So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!  This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner."},{"id":284,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z2s4d/whats_the_best_thing_about_being_black/","score":3753,"part1":"What's the best thing about being black?","mature":false,"author":"leemo_12","part2":"Not having to listen to awful dad jokes."},{"id":285,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sjmtx/knock_knock/","score":3756,"part1":"Knock, Knock","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"My son told me this one.  I hadn't heard it before.   Son: Why did the chicken cross the road?   Me:  I don't know.   Son:  He was going to visit the dummy.   Me:  ? ****  Son:  Knock,  knock  Me:  Who's there?   Son: The Chicken  Me:  :/   *****  Taps microphone:  In spite of my misgivings about the search capabilities that are available it would appear that I should have *at least* checked the top of /r/Jokes.  Ahem.  The chicken had the right address..."},{"id":286,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/376s00/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar/","score":3755,"part1":"A guy walks into a bar...","mature":false,"author":"Sarcasticfan","part2":"...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: \"Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?\" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: \"Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it.\" Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: \"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?\""},{"id":287,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2zwm28/how_many_mcdonalds_workers_does_it_take_to_change/","score":3752,"part1":"How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?","mature":false,"author":"Anivia_is_not_kfc","part2":"None, because they can't climb the ladder.  *"},{"id":288,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2yteoa/the_driest_most_esoteric_joke_i_know/","score":3758,"part1":"The driest, most esoteric joke I know.","mature":false,"author":"cattailmatt","part2":"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am\"~~ \"I think not!\" POOF! The horse disappears.   This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.  But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse."},{"id":289,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oixux/on_a_scale_of_alligator_to_gorilla/","score":3752,"part1":"On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla....","mature":false,"author":"JustBeinOptimistic","part2":"How shitty of a parent are you?"},{"id":290,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xpcpb/shout_out_to_people_who_dont_know_the_opposite_of/","score":3754,"part1":"Shout out to people who don't know the opposite of in","mature":false,"author":"PM_ME_RENGAR_R34","part2":""},{"id":291,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xqs2e/sex_therapy_nsfw/","score":3749,"part1":"Sex Therapy (NSFW)","mature":true,"author":"Aarunas","part2":"A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, \"Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you.\" \"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. \"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.\" The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. \"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.\" The Greens pleaded with him, and said, \"You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.\" \"Well, all right\", the doctor said. \"On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... \"  This was not my joke BTW I reposted this from an archived Reddit from a year ago, I just thought it was kind of funny."},{"id":292,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41qv3v/two_cannibals_are_eating_amy_schumer/","score":3747,"part1":"Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer","mature":false,"author":"bass-","part2":"One turns to the other and asks, \"*does this taste funny to you?*\"  The other responds, \"*no.*\""},{"id":293,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lgaiw/son_dad_how_do_stars_die/","score":3746,"part1":"Son: Dad, how do stars die?","mature":false,"author":"MahirSaggar","part2":"Dad: Drugs, usually."},{"id":294,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3boy3k/my_black_friend_asked_me/","score":3746,"part1":"My black friend asked me...","mature":false,"author":"MrMillionDollarSmile","part2":"My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want"},{"id":295,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y5wgo/a_new_pastor_was_visiting_in_the_homes_of_his/","score":3739,"part1":"A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.","mature":false,"author":"_-reddit-","part2":"At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.  He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.  When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'  Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.  Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'"},{"id":296,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vb4bl/how_do_you_disappoint_a_redditor/","score":3734,"part1":"How do you disappoint a Redditor?","mature":false,"author":"DecentKek","part2":"[removed]"},{"id":297,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3luki4/whenever_i_tell_dad_jokes/","score":3736,"part1":"Whenever I tell dad jokes,","mature":false,"author":"KareemAbuJafar","part2":"he laughs."},{"id":298,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49ffgj/why_didnt_the_terminator_upgrade_to_windows_10/","score":3737,"part1":"Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?","mature":false,"author":"Larmack","part2":"I asked him and he said, \"I still love vista, baby!\""},{"id":299,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xejat/a_young_couple_just_married_were/","score":3732,"part1":"A young couple, just married, were...","mature":false,"author":"CryticaLh1T","part2":"in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, \"Here, put these on.\"  She put them on, but they were way too big.  \"I can't wear your pants,\" she said.  \"That's right,\" said the husband, \"and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family.\"  With that, she flipped him her panties and said, \"Try these on.\"  He tried them on, and they were way to thin.  \"Hell,\" he said, \"I can't get into your panties.\"  She replied, \"That's right, and it's going to be that way till your attitude changes.\""},{"id":300,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j91xl/an_ugly_man_walks_into_a_bar_and_a_beautiful/","score":5289,"part1":"An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...","mature":false,"author":"audiopolitik","part2":"... the woman asks the man, \"How would you like to get out of here?\" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says \"I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service.\" The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies \"I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back.\""},{"id":301,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pxwn7/there_were_three_pows_together_in_a_british/","score":5273,"part1":"There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.","mature":false,"author":"TrekkiMonstr","part2":"The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.  They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.  They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, \"So? Did you talk?\"  \"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?\""},{"id":302,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dr8aw/a_joke_for_married_golfers/","score":5259,"part1":"A joke for married golfers","mature":false,"author":"DukeSwanky","part2":"Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.   Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: \"Are you okay? What's your name?\"   \"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks,\" I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.   \"John,\" she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) \"forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later.\"   \"That's mighty nice of you,\" I answered, \"but I don't think my wife would like it.\"   \"Oh, come on now,\" Elizabeth insisted.    She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. \"Well okay,\" I finally agreed but thought to myself, \"my wife won't like it.\"   After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. \"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now.\"   \"Don't be silly!\" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. \"She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?\"   \"Still under the cart, I guess.\""},{"id":303,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vrufl/after_god_created_24_hours_of_alternating/","score":5260,"part1":"After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, \"what are you going to do now?\"","mature":false,"author":"I-tells-jokes","part2":"God said,   \"I think I'm going to call it a day.\""},{"id":304,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3csndn/a_boy_goes_into_confession/","score":5255,"part1":"A boy goes into confession...","mature":false,"author":"Bengals4","part2":"The boy tells the priest, \"Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl.\"  \"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?\"  \"Oh I can't say.\"  \"Was it Mary Jane?\"  \"No Father.\"  \"Adalina Mozarelli?\"   \"My lips are sealed.\"  \"How about Cindy King\"  \"I can never say.\"  \"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?\"  \"No.\"  \"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!\"  \"Father I will never tell you.\"  \"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months.\"  \"Ok, Father\"  The boy leaves and his friend asks, \"So what'd you get?\"  The boy responds, \"Five good leads, and a four month vacation!\""},{"id":305,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xubry/when_one_door_closes_another_opens_he_said/","score":5249,"part1":"\"When one door closes, another opens\", he said.","mature":false,"author":"Booey123","part2":"\"That's all well and good\", I replied, \"but until you fix it I'm not buying the car.\"       Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway... "},{"id":306,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4068c8/i_have_two_requirements_in_my_will/","score":5249,"part1":"I have two requirements in my will....","mature":false,"author":"bjbyrne","part2":"1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World  2) I do not want to be cremated."},{"id":307,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lg0nd/ive_been_so_stressed_recently_ive_been_doing_that/","score":5234,"part1":"I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.","mature":false,"author":"Charlie_Faplin_","part2":"You know...heroin."},{"id":308,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2p689y/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today_when_the_manager/","score":5246,"part1":"I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, \"I want you to try and sell this to me.\"","mature":false,"author":"mykeuk","part2":"I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, \"I want you to try and sell this to me.\"    So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.    Eventually he called my mobile and said, \"Bring it back here right now!\"    I said, \"£100 and it's yours.\""},{"id":309,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bez0t/i_discovered_i_have_a_logic_fetish_and_now_i_cant/","score":5218,"part1":"I discovered I have a logic fetish, and now I can't stop coming to conclusions.","mature":true,"author":"CloudTheWolf","part2":"[Credit](https://www.reddit.com/r/fifthworldproblems/comments/4bckvs/i_discovered_i_have_a_logic_fetish_and_now_i_cant/)"},{"id":310,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q9qjz/two_old_friends_were_just_about_to_tee_off_at_the/","score":5213,"part1":"Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.","mature":true,"author":"StudiousIndianStar","part2":"\"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up\".  Sure, they said, you’re welcome.  So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,  \"What do you do for a living?\"  I’m a hit man,\" was the reply.  \"You're joking!” was the response.  \"No, I'm not,\" he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. \"Here are my tools.\"  That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, \"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here\".  So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.  \"Yeah, I can see my house all right. \"This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom\".  \"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!\"  He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?\"  \"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.\"  \"Can you do two for me now?\"  “Sure, what do you want?”  \"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.\"  The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.  “Are you gonna do it or not?\" asked the friend impatiently.  \"Just be patient,\" said the hit man calmly . . . . .  \"I think I can save ya a grand here.\"   "},{"id":311,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hutiw/wives_are_like_grenades/","score":5208,"part1":"Wives are like grenades...","mature":false,"author":"EternallyLowBattery","part2":"Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!"},{"id":312,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zxu4d/a_little_boy_was_sitting_in_class/","score":5209,"part1":"A little boy was sitting in class...","mature":true,"author":"BadWolf_Corporation","part2":"The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.  The teacher said: \"Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?\"  Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: \"OOH! OOH! I KNOW!\"  Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said: \"Franklin Roosevelt\".  \"Very good Julie, you can go.\" the teacher replied. \"Okay class, which president said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?\"  Again, little Timmy's hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. \"OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!\"  Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said: \"John Kennedy\"  \"Very good Sally, you may leave also.\" The teacher asked again \"Okay class, which President said: \"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?\"  Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted: \"Ronald Reagan!\"  Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself: \"I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!\"  The teacher heard and shouted: \"WHO SAID THAT!?!\"  Timmy jumped up: \"Bill Clinton! Can I go now?\""},{"id":313,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/444db4/if_i_was_addicted_to_masturbation_and_then_became/","score":5194,"part1":"If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex...","mature":false,"author":"liljakeyplzandthnx","part2":"Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?"},{"id":314,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gl5nh/royal_wedding/","score":5191,"part1":"Royal Wedding","mature":false,"author":"bcrdi","part2":"On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic!  Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad.  When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.  The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'  'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'  Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.'  'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'"},{"id":315,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nr6gd/so_i_went_on_rnews_today/","score":5194,"part1":"So I went on r/news today..","mature":false,"author":"Someguy363","part2":"[removed]"},{"id":316,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h3j1a/a_construction_worker_on_the_5th_floor_of_a/","score":5188,"part1":"A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw...","mature":true,"author":"Road_To_10000_Karma","part2":"He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning \"I\", then he points to his knee meaning \"need\", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says \"what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!\" The other worker says \"I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming.\""},{"id":317,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48dgl4/what_do_you_call_a_communist_sniper/","score":5180,"part1":"What do you call a Communist sniper?","mature":false,"author":"Youown","part2":"A Marxman."},{"id":318,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dowl0/im_kinda_scrawny_so_i_had_to_quit_my_job_as_a/","score":5175,"part1":"I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer","mature":false,"author":"Aktionjackson","part2":"Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice"},{"id":319,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2areug/two_priests_are_out_driving_one_day/","score":5166,"part1":"Two priests are out driving one day..","mature":false,"author":"crumpethead","part2":"when they get pulled over by a police officer.  The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver \"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters\"  The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;  \"Alright officer, we'll do it\""},{"id":320,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nb5ei/to_the_guy_in_the_wheelchair_who_stole_my/","score":5156,"part1":"To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket,","mature":false,"author":"JoeyMxx","part2":"You can hide, but you can't run."},{"id":321,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kv8mj/why_are_there_no_cats_on_mars/","score":5153,"part1":"Why are there no cats on Mars?","mature":false,"author":"cereblown42","part2":"Curiosity."},{"id":322,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ynope/my_4_year_old_son_just_got_me_with_a_dad_joke_i/","score":5155,"part1":"My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.","mature":false,"author":"MaynardJ222","part2":"My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.   Me: \"Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?\"  Son: \"No, they are fighting with their turtle hands.\"  Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.  "},{"id":323,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4h6kvb/a_blonde_was_desperate_for_money/","score":5146,"part1":"A blonde was desperate for money...","mature":false,"author":"CryticaLh1T","part2":"so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.  At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'  'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'  'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'  The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.  'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.  About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.  The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'  'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'  The man reached into his wallet to pay her.  'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'"},{"id":324,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43tmyd/my_dentist_reminded_me_of_my_wifes_sensitive_gag/","score":5136,"part1":"My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.","mature":false,"author":"ulaalaa","part2":"Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists."},{"id":325,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kayui/a_woman_was_in_bed_with_her_lover_when_she_heard/","score":4836,"part1":"A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.","mature":false,"author":"mrbobsthegreat","part2":"\"Hurry!\" she said.  \"Stand in the corner.\"  She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.  \"Don't move until I tell you to,\" she whispered.  \"Just pretend you're a statue.\"  \"What's this, honey?\" the husband inquired as he entered the room.  \"Oh, it's just a statue,\" she replied nonchalantly.  \"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.  I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.\"  No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.    Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.   \"Here,\" he said to the 'statue'.  \"Eat something.  I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.\""},{"id":326,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t95sa/one_in_every_2_and_a_half_men_is_hiv_positive/","score":4828,"part1":"One in every 2 and a half men is HIV positive.","mature":false,"author":"jbrys","part2":""},{"id":327,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4spmkr/guy_runs_into_a_bar_yells_quick_how_tall_is_a/","score":4832,"part1":"Guy runs into a bar, yells \"Quick! How tall is a penguin?\"","mature":false,"author":"cokevanillazero","part2":"Bartender says \"Three feet tall.\"  Guy says \"Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!\""},{"id":328,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bemnl/a_priest_a_doctor_and_an_engineer_are_playing_golf/","score":4825,"part1":"A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf","mature":false,"author":"poojam11","part2":"An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”  The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”  The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”  And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”   [Shamelessly taken from Malcolm Gladwell](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/the-engineers-lament)"},{"id":329,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/316brs/my_7yearold_nephew_showed_me_with_pride_the/","score":4809,"part1":"My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the \"telephone\" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....","mature":false,"author":"L3C73R","part2":"I pulled out my cellphone and said, \"That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!\""},{"id":330,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o2nbm/a_dying_grandma_tells_her_grandchild/","score":4805,"part1":"A dying grandma tells her grandchild....","mature":false,"author":"IMURDOPE","part2":"A dying grandma tells her grandchild, \"I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash.\" The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, \"Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?\" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, \"Facebook...\""},{"id":331,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4clcqu/how_many_freudian_analysts_does_it_take_to_change/","score":4802,"part1":"How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?","mature":true,"author":"Stampeder","part2":"Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.   "},{"id":332,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4elnpl/a_new_twist_on_an_old_joke/","score":4801,"part1":"A new twist on an old joke.","mature":false,"author":"TheRehabKid","part2":"Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.   He says, \"2, 4, 6, 8, 10\".  They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.   He says \"1, 3, 5, 7, 9\".  Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.  He says, \"Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?\""},{"id":333,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36jip0/my_wife_said_to_me_if_you_won_the_lottery_would/","score":4790,"part1":"My wife said to me: \"If you won the lottery, would you still love me?\"","mature":false,"author":"Linalg2","part2":"I said: \"Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.\""},{"id":334,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46qerx/an_engineer_physicist_and_a_statistician_in_a/","score":4793,"part1":"An engineer, physicist, and a statistician in a hotel room...","mature":false,"author":"a10killer","part2":"So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself \"this is an electrical fire, water won't work!\" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himself \"we have to cut the electricity off!\" And runs to the power panel in the basement. The statistician wakes up and looks around, he then screams \"we need more data!!\" And he sets the curtains on fire."},{"id":335,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hyfv9/what_do_you_call_a_sad_strawberry/","score":4795,"part1":"What do you call a sad strawberry?","mature":true,"author":"paulyapos","part2":"A blueberry hahaha fuck you all"},{"id":336,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ncgg8/a_mexican_magician_told_the_audience_hell/","score":4797,"part1":"A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said \"Uno, dos\" *POOF*","mature":false,"author":"V3nom0us","part2":"He disappeared without a tres.    **edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!"},{"id":337,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2tl374/pretty_woman_sneezes/","score":4799,"part1":"Pretty woman sneezes","mature":false,"author":"Tuna_Sushi","part2":"At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.   Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.  It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.  \"This is so embarrassing,\" the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. \"I'm sorry to have disturbed you.  Let me buy dinner to make it up to you.  May I join you?\"  He nods.  The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.  He gets her phone number and asks, \"You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet?\"   \"No,\" she replies. \"You just happened to catch my eye.\""},{"id":338,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/20aryi/my_girlfriend_said_if_this_gets_100_votes_well/","score":4787,"part1":"My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try anal.","mature":false,"author":"Wipeout17","part2":"So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me."},{"id":339,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/473ihq/the_guy_who_invented_throat_lozenges_died_last/","score":4787,"part1":"The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.","mature":false,"author":"koolkrazykooky","part2":"There was no coffin at the funeral"},{"id":340,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w4zn6/two_rabbits_were_being_chased_by_a_pack_of_wolves/","score":4778,"part1":"Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?","mature":false,"author":"InamRandhawa","part2":"Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, \"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?\""},{"id":341,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48pzpa/when_my_girlfriend_said_she_was_leaving_because/","score":4780,"part1":"When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.","mature":false,"author":"Mortonic","part2":"And then I saw her face."},{"id":342,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u7tty/a_woman_must_walk_5_paces_behind/","score":4773,"part1":"A woman must walk 5 paces behind...","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.  She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.  She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.  Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, \"Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?\"  The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, \"Land mines.\""},{"id":343,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2rpd4f/a_man_gets_pulled_over_by_the_police/","score":4778,"part1":"A man gets pulled over by the police...","mature":false,"author":"doilookarmenian","part2":"A man was stopped by the police around 2 am.  The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.     The man replied, \"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.\"     The officer then asked, \"Really?  Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?\"     The man replied, \"That would be my wife.\""},{"id":344,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gwlzr/you_must_be_in_fking_management/","score":4773,"part1":"You must be in F**king management!","mature":false,"author":"KellyfromLeedsUK","part2":"A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: \"'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am\". The man below replied \"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude\".   \"You must be a technician.\" said the balloonist. \"I am\" replied the man \"how did you know?\" \"Well,\" answered the balloonist, \"everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk.\"   The man below responded, \"You must be in management\". \"I am\" replied the balloonist, \"but how did you know?\" \"Well,\" said the man \"you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!"},{"id":345,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jdoac/a_wife_asks_her_husband_if_she_were_to_die_would/","score":4774,"part1":"A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...","mature":false,"author":"wtfmynamegotdeleted","part2":"...and her husband says \"yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask \" well would you let her live in our house?\" And the husband says \"yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house.\" That worried the wife more, so then she asks \"well would you let her sleep in our bed?\" And the husband says \"yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it.\" This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say \"well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs.\" The husband say \"don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed.\"   Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me."},{"id":346,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ucvkk/i_went_for_a_job_interview_today_and_the_manager/","score":4773,"part1":"I went for a job interview today and the manager said,\"We're looking for someone who is responsible\"","mature":false,"author":"KellyfromLeedsUK","part2":"...\"Well I'm your man\" I replied,\"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible\""},{"id":347,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jd895/a_7_yr_old_and_a_4_yr_old_are_in_their_bedroom/","score":4775,"part1":"A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom...","mature":false,"author":"One_pop_each","part2":"The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, \"I think it's time we start swearing\"  The brother nods in agreement.   \"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear\" says the 7 yr old.   The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.   \"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!\"  The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.   The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, \"I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!\""},{"id":348,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b8fqe/what_does_a_robot_do_at_the_end_of_a_one_night/","score":4772,"part1":"What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?","mature":false,"author":"ihearthookerz","part2":"He nuts and bolts."},{"id":349,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4niphi/i_was_having_sex_with_a_woman_when_her_husband/","score":4764,"part1":"I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.","mature":true,"author":"lostmyselftodance","part2":"She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.  In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that."},{"id":350,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2rm2rf/marriage_the_real_story/","score":4258,"part1":"Marriage, the real story","mature":false,"author":"proROKexpat","part2":"A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, \"What are you doing?\"  She answers, \"I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!\"  Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.  When she asks him where he's going, he replies,  \"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year.\""},{"id":351,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2fpuid/just_asked_siri/","score":4259,"part1":"Just asked Siri.","mature":false,"author":"jubileo5","part2":"\"Surely it's not going to rain today?\"  She said \"it will, and don't call me Shirley\"    ...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode."},{"id":352,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o6qvd/you_can_tell_a_lot_about_a_woman_from_her_ankles/","score":4253,"part1":"You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.","mature":false,"author":"PM_ME_O-SCOPE_SELFIE","part2":"If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you."},{"id":353,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uetgk/what_do_you_call_children_who_are_born_into_a/","score":4252,"part1":"What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse?","mature":false,"author":"Metallieca","part2":"Brothel Sprouts."},{"id":354,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cpfjq/why_do_indians_hate_snow/","score":4254,"part1":"Why do Indians hate snow?","mature":false,"author":"armylink310","part2":"Because it's white and settles on their land.  "},{"id":355,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rr6jj/a_mob_drags_a_man_into_a_police_station_for/","score":4253,"part1":"A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting \"Murderer!\" \"Killer\"","mature":false,"author":"hackin_kraken","part2":"A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting \"Murderer!\" \"Killer \" The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.   The policeman :\" Tell me what happened. \"  The suspect :\"  Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? \"  Policeman :\" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? \"  Suspect :\" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12.\""},{"id":356,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m1ag7/my_friends_say_there_is_a_gay_guy_in_our_circle/","score":4251,"part1":"My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends...","mature":false,"author":"jiahaowoo64","part2":"I really hope it's Todd, he's cute"},{"id":357,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f05ye/arnold_schwarzenegger_was_asked_if_he_wanted_to/","score":4242,"part1":"Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.","mature":false,"author":"BookerGinger","part2":"He replied, \"I still love Vista, baby\"."},{"id":358,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ya6db/man_in_ecstasy/","score":4245,"part1":"Man in ecstasy...","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.  It was going on 20 minutes at this point...  Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.   Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:  *\"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!\"*"},{"id":359,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2t6med/during_an_interview_interviewer_so_how_long_were/","score":4242,"part1":"*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'","mature":false,"author":"overweightdolphin","part2":"Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'"},{"id":360,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ke87k/wife_i_look_fat_can_you_give_me_a_compliment/","score":4239,"part1":"Wife: \"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?\" Husband: \"You have perfect eyesight.\"","mature":false,"author":"jecky45","part2":""},{"id":361,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2xzau2/rip_boiling_water/","score":4241,"part1":"RIP boiling water","mature":false,"author":"curtaturc","part2":"You will be mist.  "},{"id":362,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35xexf/old_man_and_the_prostitute_nsfw/","score":4228,"part1":"Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]","mature":true,"author":"bulubaba","part2":"A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.   She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, \"hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?\"   The old man said, \"but I won't be able to...\"  Prostitute: \"c'mon man.... give it a try... \"  Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.   When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, \"but you said you won't be able to....\"   \"...pay you\" replied the old man."},{"id":363,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tkbft/why_does_donald_trump_take_xanax/","score":4231,"part1":"Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?","mature":false,"author":"WhyNotOne","part2":"For Hispanic attacks."},{"id":364,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5573/a_nun_and_a_priest_are_crossing_the_sahara_nsfw/","score":4231,"part1":"A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW]","mature":true,"author":"hontao524","part2":"A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states: 'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.' 'I know, father. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's likely for us to survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree' affirms the priest. 'Sister, since we likely won't escape here alive, could you do something for me?' 'Anything, father.' 'I haven't seen breasts and I was wondering if I could see yours.' 'Well... under these circumstances, I don't see anything bad in it...' The nun undresses and the priests was content, commenting on their beauty: 'Sister, do you mind if I touch them?' She agrees, so the priest feels them up for several minutes. 'Father, may I ask you something?' 'Certainly!' 'I haven't seen a penis. Can I see yours?' 'I think it would be alright' responds the priest, lifting his robe. 'Oh, father, can I touch it?' The priest agrees and after a few minutes of fondling he finds himself with a pretty serious erection. 'You know, sister, if I introduce my penis in the right place, it can give life.' 'Is this true, father?!' 'Yes, it is, sister.' 'Oh, father, that's wonderful! Then stick it in that camel so we can get the fuck out of here!' [of Romanian origin, translated as close to original phrasing (translations lean towards mot-a-mot) to maintain cultural nuance]"},{"id":365,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4olcyo/i_just_installed_a_new_app_on_my_phone_that_lets/","score":4228,"part1":"I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.","mature":false,"author":"Penman2310","part2":"It's called 'Facebook'"},{"id":366,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4teb7r/how_many_dead_prostitutes_does_it_take_to_change/","score":4222,"part1":"How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?","mature":false,"author":"Joseph-core","part2":"Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement."},{"id":367,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mtg8l/the_pope_and_hillary_are_on_the_same_stage_in/","score":4229,"part1":"The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said,","mature":false,"author":"PMyouMooningME","part2":"\"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!\"      Hillary replied, \"I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!\"        So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!"},{"id":368,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45iolm/a_woman_goes_into_a_pharmacy/","score":4222,"part1":"A woman goes into a pharmacy","mature":false,"author":"Stringy63","part2":"She says to the pharmacist, \"I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.\"   The pharmacist says, \"Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you.\"   The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.   \"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.\""},{"id":369,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vwu15/three_blondes_are_walking_through_a_forest/","score":4215,"part1":"Three blondes are walking through a forest","mature":false,"author":"Evertak","part2":"...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: \"Look, those are deer tracks.\"   The second blonde looks at them and says: \"No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves.\"   The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: \"You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure.\"   They were still arguing when the train hit them."},{"id":370,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hdnu9/why_dont_feminists_carry_handguns/","score":4221,"part1":"Why don't feminists carry handguns?","mature":false,"author":"cosmonk_","part2":"Because of the triggers.  I'm sorry"},{"id":371,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t28tg/never_make_fun_of_a_fat_girl_with_a_lisp_shes/","score":4224,"part1":"Never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp, she's probably thick and tired of it.","mature":false,"author":"chubbsw","part2":""},{"id":372,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3parv4/why_havent_i_ever_met_a_full_blooded_jew/","score":4218,"part1":"Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?","mature":false,"author":"galacticleofin","part2":"All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish"},{"id":373,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39d5kt/i_thought_my_vasectomy_would_keep_my_wife_from/","score":4210,"part1":"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant","mature":false,"author":"Yaboyaric","part2":"But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby  "},{"id":374,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ylom3/a_father_put_his_3_year_old_daughter_to_bed/","score":4212,"part1":"A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....","mature":false,"author":"abhi98228","part2":"A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,  \"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.\"  The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'  The little girl said, \"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.\"  The next day grandpa died.  The father thought it was a strange coincidence.  A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,  \"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.\"  The next day the grandmother died.  \"Holy crap\" thought the father, \"this kid is in contact with the other side.\"  Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, \"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.\"  He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.   He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.  He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.  When he got home his wife said,  \"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?\"  He said, \"I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.\"  She said, \"You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.."},{"id":375,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ll81d/til_you_can_get_dishonorably_discharged_from_the/","score":5967,"part1":"TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once","mature":false,"author":"Aktionjackson","part2":"Whoops wrong sub"},{"id":376,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2gxeh8/so_a_gorilla_dies_of_old_age_at_a_zoo/","score":5940,"part1":"So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...","mature":false,"author":"Haven92","part2":"...right before the zoo opens.  It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.  However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it.  So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.  Quickly, the new \"gorilla\" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo.  People from all over are coming to see the \"Human-like\" gorilla.  About a month in, the craze has started to wear off.  So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.  A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.  Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.  The man starts screaming \"HELP!! HELP!!!\"  Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, \"Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired.\""},{"id":377,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gh5p1/temper_cure/","score":5943,"part1":"Temper cure...","mature":false,"author":"Slowhand09","part2":"A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.      The Doctor asks: \"What's the problem?      The woman says: \"Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.\"     The Doctor says: \"I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”     Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.     The woman says: \"Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?\"     The Doctor says: \"The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick\"."},{"id":378,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aol73/i_started_a_company/","score":5938,"part1":"I started a company...","mature":false,"author":"my_brain_tickles","part2":"I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.  Prophets are going through the roof."},{"id":379,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4brgxo/a_man_goes_into_a_job_interview/","score":5917,"part1":"A man goes into a job interview","mature":false,"author":"Sean081799","part2":"A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.  The employer is shocked at how professional he is, \"Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?\"  The man replied \"Oh that's when I went to Yale.\"  The employer is even more impressed. \"That's great, you're hired!\"  The man is super happy and says \"Yay I got a yob!\""},{"id":380,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2r9bds/women_and_not_being_attractive/","score":5915,"part1":"Women and not being attractive","mature":false,"author":"yannick26","part2":"If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive."},{"id":381,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43p3ts/two_beggars_are_sitting_side_by_side_on_the/","score":5901,"part1":"Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome","mature":false,"author":"ScarletRugby","part2":"Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.   A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: \"Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!\"  The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: \"Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!\""},{"id":382,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32s6v8/difference_between_it_and_management/","score":5900,"part1":"Difference between I.T and management","mature":false,"author":"JKdias","part2":"A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”"},{"id":383,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r55jb/a_dirty_joke_from_the_14th_century/","score":5832,"part1":"A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century","mature":false,"author":"ManicMarine","part2":"The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:  A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.   The Queen nods in assent, saying \"you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good.\"  On his turn, the knight asks \"Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?\" When she replies, \"none at all\", he comments, \"Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path.\""},{"id":384,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w7prj/to_teach_kids_about_democracy_i_let_them_vote_on/","score":5795,"part1":"To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.","mature":false,"author":"FourWordReplies","part2":"They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state."},{"id":385,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kciob/a_mother_shark_is_teaching_her_young_how_to_eat/","score":5796,"part1":"A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...","mature":false,"author":"DiseasedScrotum","part2":"\"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them\"  \"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?\"  \"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?\"  "},{"id":386,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mioq3/whats_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/","score":5787,"part1":"What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?","mature":false,"author":"mddc52","part2":"People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo."},{"id":387,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/424sv3/a_couple_both_age_78_went_to_a_sex_therapists/","score":5752,"part1":"A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.","mature":false,"author":"Fort_When_Tea","part2":"The doctor asked, \"What can I do for you?\"  The man said, \"Will you watch us have sex?\"  The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.  When the couple finished, the doctor said, \"There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,\" and charged them $50.  This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.  Finally, the doctor asked, \"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?\"  \"We're not trying to find out anything,\" the husband replied. \"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare."},{"id":388,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n2kpl/her_best_feature_nsfw/","score":5752,"part1":"Her best feature.... NSFW","mature":true,"author":"RedditNurseBot","part2":"A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.   After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, \"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.\"   He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, \"What would you say is my best feature?\"   Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, \"It has to be your ears.\"  Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, \"My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?\"  Clearing his throat, he stammered, \"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me.\"  "},{"id":389,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hssdt/how_many_super_saiyans_does_it_take_to_change_a/","score":5723,"part1":"How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?","mature":false,"author":"coolshoeshine","part2":"Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!"},{"id":390,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4176c2/will_glass_coffins_be_a_success/","score":5712,"part1":"Will glass coffins be a success?","mature":false,"author":"ReachTheSky","part2":"Remains to be seen."},{"id":391,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hmfy8/i_asked_my_girlfriend_if_shed_like_a_day_of/","score":5700,"part1":"I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.","mature":false,"author":"life_xpantion_pack","part2":"She said \"Yes!\". I said \"Good, because I'm breaking up with you.\"  "},{"id":392,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2c2957/two_italian_men_get_on_a_bus/","score":5689,"part1":"Two Italian men get on a bus...","mature":false,"author":"Chingchonglinglong69","part2":"They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:   \"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.  Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.\"   \"You foul-mouthed swine,\" retorted the lady indignantly. \"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!\"   \"Hey, coola down lady,\" said the man. \"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella  'Mississippi'.\""},{"id":393,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hyz96/a_boy_was_born_of_an_indian_chinese_irish_and/","score":5664,"part1":"A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...","mature":false,"author":"gulzaar","part2":"They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!  They named him Ravi O. Lee  Sorry"},{"id":394,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d6ow3/alabama_changed_the_drinking_age_to_34/","score":5663,"part1":"Alabama changed the drinking age to 34","mature":false,"author":"alylynn96","part2":"They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools"},{"id":395,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mdmue/thank_you_student_loans_for_helping_me_get/","score":5655,"part1":"Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.","mature":false,"author":"BigTdotByrd","part2":"I don't think I can ever repay you."},{"id":396,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rmqx8/as_i_suspected_someone_has_been_adding_soil_to_my/","score":5640,"part1":"As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.","mature":false,"author":"LlamaExtravaganza","part2":"The plot thickens."},{"id":397,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v1ppp/on_his_74th_birthday_an_old_man_received_a_gift/","score":5644,"part1":"On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...","mature":false,"author":"smarvin6689","part2":"The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.       After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.   The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, \"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'.\" When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you  want.\"       The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, \"How do I stop the medicine from working?\"     \"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'\" the medicine man responded, \"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.\"       The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, \"1-2-3!\" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked \"What was the 1-2-3 for?\"        And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle."},{"id":398,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2tm2ub/heisenberg_schrodinger_and_ohm_are_in_a_car/","score":5618,"part1":"Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car","mature":false,"author":"wilkben","part2":"They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him \"Do you know how fast you were going?\"  \"No, but I know exactly where I am\" Heisenberg replies.  The cop says \"You were doing 55 in a 35.\" Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts \"Great! Now I'm lost!\"  The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says \"Do you know you have a dead cat back here?\"  \"We do now, asshole!\" shouts Schrodinger.  The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists."},{"id":399,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p2mjn/an_old_lady_dies_and_goes_to_heaven_shes_chatting/","score":5596,"part1":"An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.","mature":true,"author":"basejump007","part2":"\"Don't worry about that,\" says St. Peter, \"it's only someone having the  holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.\"   The old lady looks a  little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.  Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams \"Oh my God,\"  says the old lady, \"now what is happening?\"   \"Not to worry,\" says St. Peter, \"She's just having her head drilled  to fit the halo.\"   \"I can't do this,\" says the old lady, \"I'm going to hell.\"   \"You can't go there,\" says St. Peter. \"You'll be raped and sodomized.\"   \"Maybe so,\" says the old lady, \"but I've already got the holes for that."},{"id":400,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hvisa/son_i_wanted_to_let_you_know_you_were_adopted_my/","score":10016,"part1":"\"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,\" my dad told me.","mature":false,"author":"Aradanftw","part2":"\"Are you kidding? Really?\" I shouted.  \"Yup, get ready,\" he said. \"They'll be picking you up in about an hour.\""},{"id":401,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h28pu/yo_girl_are_you_a_zero_apr_loan/","score":9018,"part1":"Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?","mature":false,"author":"aali4356","part2":"Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest."},{"id":402,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i41wp/if_i_got_1_every_time_somebody_called_me_a_racist/","score":8759,"part1":"If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist","mature":false,"author":"spartacus311","part2":"black people would rob me"},{"id":403,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gwm1e/highway_dildo/","score":8581,"part1":"Highway Dildo","mature":false,"author":"Reconaction","part2":"A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.  When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield  The little girl asks: *Mommy, what was that?*  The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: *It was just a bug honey.*  The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: *It sure had a big dick.*"},{"id":404,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2cgtk1/a_family_walks_into_a_hotel_nsfw/","score":8280,"part1":"A family walks into a hotel... NSFW","mature":true,"author":"Olysuvo","part2":"A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says \"I hope the porn is disabled.\" The guy at the desk replies. \"It's just regular porn you sick fuck.\""},{"id":405,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qmkf0/tifu_by_mixing_up_by_wifes_sandwich_order_at/","score":8116,"part1":"TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway","mature":false,"author":"LibrtyUniversity","part2":"Whoops, wrong sub."},{"id":406,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gthr3/why_do_scuba_divers_fall_backwards_off_of_the_boat/","score":7976,"part1":"Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?","mature":false,"author":"MrMcJazzyHands","part2":"Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."},{"id":407,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/325gsk/a_guy_applies_for_a_job_with_the_lapd/","score":7767,"part1":"A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.","mature":false,"author":"hillathome","part2":"Inspector says \"These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.  Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit.\"  Guy replies \"Why the rabbit?\"  Inspector says \"Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!\"  "},{"id":408,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2propg/joke_from_my_daughter/","score":7693,"part1":"Joke from my daughter","mature":false,"author":"FatherGoose01","part2":"Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!"},{"id":409,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h4vhe/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/","score":7682,"part1":"A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate","mature":false,"author":"oxxoMind","part2":"A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.  During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.\"  About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?\"  He said ,\"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.\"  He sat down and wrote :  Dear Mother:  I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.  Love,  your son  Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:  Dear Son:  I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…  Love,  Mom."},{"id":410,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2bphjp/getting_married_in_heaven/","score":7669,"part1":"Getting Married in Heaven","mature":false,"author":"crackyhoss","part2":"On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.   St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.  Let me go find out,' and he leaves.  The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.    While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out;  could you get a divorce in heaven.  After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.  'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'  'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'  St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.   'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?"},{"id":411,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eft1l/congress_gets_kidnapped/","score":7549,"part1":"Congress gets kidnapped","mature":false,"author":"GuiltySparklez0343","part2":"A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.  Nothing was moving.  Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, \"What's going on?\"  \"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, collecting donations.\"  \"How much is everyone giving, on an average?\" the driver asks.  The man replies, \"Roughly a gallon.\""},{"id":412,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hkcu5/it_was_george_the_mailmans_last_day_on_the_job/","score":7484,"part1":"It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.","mature":false,"author":"IrishTravelBlogger","part2":"At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.   At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.   When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. \"All this was just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"But what's the dollar for?\"  \"Well,\" she said, \"Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.\""},{"id":413,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2g7yxo/i_have_an_epipen/","score":7455,"part1":"I have an EpiPen.","mature":false,"author":"FimbleEnterprises","part2":"My friend gave it to me as he was dying.  It seemed very important to him that I have it."},{"id":414,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/27v7ym/a_young_boy_enters_a_barber_shop/","score":7356,"part1":"A young boy enters a barber shop..","mature":false,"author":"stayfoolishh","part2":"...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”  The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.  “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”  Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.  “Hey, son! May I ask you a question?  Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”  The boy licked his cone and replied,  “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”"},{"id":415,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bzb1n/when_does_a_joke_become_a_dad_joke/","score":7334,"part1":"When does a joke become a dad joke?","mature":false,"author":"belungawhale","part2":"When the punchline becomes apparent."},{"id":416,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g68j3/how_many_friend_zoned_guys_does_it_take_to_change/","score":7217,"part1":"How many \"friend zoned\" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?","mature":false,"author":"Sky_young","part2":"How many \"friend zoned\" guys does it take to change a light bulb?   None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw."},{"id":417,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gq3i8/the_us_is_having_so_many_disasters_and_tragedies/","score":7102,"part1":"The US is having so many disasters and tragedies","mature":false,"author":"qwsazxcde1","part2":"Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.   "},{"id":418,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46ae5i/grandpa_was_summoned_for_an_audit/","score":7055,"part1":"Grandpa was summoned for an audit.","mature":false,"author":"That_secret_chord","part2":"The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.   The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’  ‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’  The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘  Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’  The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’  Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.  Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’  The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.  Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.  ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’  The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.  Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.  The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.   But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.  ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.   ‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’"},{"id":419,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3hm1sv/jared_fogle_of_subway_started_and_ended_his/","score":7042,"part1":"Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way.","mature":false,"author":"LionsBlitz","part2":"Trying to get into smaller pants."},{"id":420,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4khrw8/there_was_a_man_in_bulgaria_who_drove_a_train_for/","score":7031,"part1":"There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.  He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.   He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.   Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.   He made it out, but a single person died.   Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.   He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.   When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.   After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.   The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.  The man was perfectly fine.  Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.   And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.   Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.   Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.   The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.   For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.   After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.  The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.  Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.   And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.   To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.   And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.   On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.  \"You know what? No,\" said the executioner. \"I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now.\"   Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.   The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.   The executioner was speechless.  The man looked at the executioner and said \"Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor.\""},{"id":421,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g2zxm/boy_scout_sir_i_found_a_snake_is_it_poisonous/","score":6999,"part1":"Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?","mature":false,"author":"knight_dullahan","part2":"Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all  *Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*  Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads"},{"id":422,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i2z4r/how_many_germans_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/","score":6961,"part1":"How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?","mature":false,"author":"fvdsdvdsds","part2":"One. We are efficient and dont have humour.     "},{"id":423,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jt3s9/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/","score":6948,"part1":"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...","mature":false,"author":"KellyfromLeedsUK","part2":"...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.  The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'  The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'  The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'  The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'"},{"id":424,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gyusq/why_are_gay_men_so_well_dressed/","score":6898,"part1":"Why are gay men so well dressed?","mature":false,"author":"Planetofdagrapes","part2":"They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.  "},{"id":425,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g22rh/whats_the_difference_between_a_terrorist_training/","score":3479,"part1":"Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?","mature":false,"author":"oralintensity","part2":"I don't know I just fly the drone."},{"id":426,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2csb4u/i_heard_some_guy_tell_two_terrible_malaysian/","score":3473,"part1":"I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...","mature":false,"author":"IFinnaDoIt","part2":"The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames"},{"id":427,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qklcg/whats_the_difference_between_a_hobo_on_a_unicycle/","score":3473,"part1":"Whats The Difference Between a Hobo On a Unicycle And a Man In a Suit On a Bike?","mature":false,"author":"ChemicallyBlind","part2":"Attire."},{"id":428,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2u9n6x/i_got_pulled_over_by_a_female_cop/","score":3476,"part1":"I got pulled over by a female cop...","mature":false,"author":"IamConer","part2":"When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said  \"NOTHING\""},{"id":429,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2kq9ij/dirty_limericks_go_nsfw/","score":3471,"part1":"Dirty limericks? GO! [NSFW]","mature":true,"author":"nvgx","part2":"There once was a girl named Alice   Who used dynamite as a phallus   They found her vagina in South Carolina  And bits of her tits in Dallas"},{"id":430,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w0fde/two_boys_are_in_the_woods/","score":3465,"part1":"Two boys are in the woods...","mature":true,"author":"trablack1","part2":"...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. \"Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!\"  Then the other kid said \"well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!\""},{"id":431,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xv0g4/my_neighbour_owes_me_500_and_he_wont_pay_up/","score":3465,"part1":"My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...........","mature":false,"author":"jorje033","part2":"A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!’"},{"id":432,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2o74on/what_do_they_call_the_hunger_games_in_france/","score":3466,"part1":"What do they call the Hunger Games in France?","mature":false,"author":"tinglep","part2":"Battle Royale with Cheese."},{"id":433,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nl79d/if_a_woman_sleeps_with_a_bunch_of_guys_shes_a/","score":3463,"part1":"If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay.","mature":false,"author":"zxxx","part2":""},{"id":434,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39skdk/why_is_the_hipster_sweating/","score":3464,"part1":"Why is the hipster sweating?","mature":false,"author":"Greeneyedlatinguy","part2":"Because he wore a scarf before it was cool."},{"id":435,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a9ax9/trump_is_blaming_sanders_for_the_violence_at_his/","score":3463,"part1":"Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...","mature":false,"author":"slogand","part2":"because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems."},{"id":436,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dfhv7/what_organ_can_expand_to_10_times_its_size/","score":3462,"part1":"What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...","mature":false,"author":"Noratic","part2":"The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, \"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?\"  No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student  Little Mary stood up and said, \"You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!\"  Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, \"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?\" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,   \"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!\"  The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,   \"Anybody?\"  Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, \"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.\"  Mrs. Parks said, \"Very good, Billy,\" then turned to Mary and continued.   \"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.\""},{"id":437,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f59yo/a_man_walks_into_a_drug_store_with_his_8year_old/","score":3464,"part1":"A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son","mature":false,"author":"alesbianseagull","part2":"They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks \"What's are these, dad?\" To which the man matter-of-factly replies \"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex\". \"Oh I see\" replied the boys pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school\".  He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks \"Why are there 3 in this package?\" The dad replies \"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday\". \"Cool!\" says the boy.  He notices a 6-pack and asks \"Then who are these for?\" \"Those are for college men\" The dad answers \"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday\". \"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy.  \"Then who uses THESE?\" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied \"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...\""},{"id":438,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2vz117/bet_on_a_bullet_slightly_nsfw/","score":3457,"part1":"Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)","mature":true,"author":"wisemanstoryteller","part2":"A man walks into a gun shop.  \"I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle\"  \"sure\" said the owner handing over a scope \"if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house\"  The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says \"sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who i can only assume is your wife?\"  \"cheating, bitch!\" the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said \"Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches' head off and I'll give you free bullets for the rest of your life\"  The guy looks through the scope again and says \"what do I get if I only use one shot?\""},{"id":439,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3asjyl/father_when_abe_lincoln_was_your_age_he_walked_9/","score":3454,"part1":"Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.","mature":false,"author":"OLOTM","part2":"Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President."},{"id":440,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pl4a6/britain_says/","score":3449,"part1":"Britain says...","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"See eu later"},{"id":441,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ryrb7/i_froze_myself_to_2731_degrees_celcius/","score":3449,"part1":"I froze myself to -273.1 degrees Celcius...","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"My friends were worried, but I'll be 0K"},{"id":442,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34mgc2/til_its_impossible_to_stick_your_tongue_out_and/","score":3447,"part1":"TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time","mature":false,"author":"RovingSpirit","part2":"Without looking like a twat"},{"id":443,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/16yjdj/good_animal_joke/","score":3447,"part1":"Good animal joke","mature":false,"author":"Mofo6969","part2":"A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution \"this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before\". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly \"mmm...that was some good lion meat!\". The lion abruptly stops and says \" woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can\". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily \"get on my back, we'll get him together\". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts \"where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago...\""},{"id":444,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40admc/a_vacationing_penguin_is_driving_through_arizona/","score":3445,"part1":"A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...","mature":false,"author":"oogieboogie1996","part2":"...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.  After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.  The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, \"It looks like you've blown a seal.\"  \"No, no,\" the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, \"it's just ice cream.\""},{"id":445,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35u960/a_new_yorker_a_nebraskan_a_georgian_and_a/","score":3448,"part1":"A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...","mature":false,"author":"BrooksBarberSapp","part2":"After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.  \"What are you doing that for?\", the others exclaim.  \"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks.\"  The Georgian replies, \"you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me.\" He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.  The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out."},{"id":446,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kqyxw/i_have_a_degree_in_mens_studies/","score":3448,"part1":"I have a degree in men's studies.","mature":false,"author":"Dindu_Muffins","part2":"It's called \"world history\"."},{"id":447,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33yg1m/what_do_you_get_if_you_boil_funnybones/","score":3451,"part1":"What do you get if you boil funnybones?","mature":false,"author":"gentled","part2":"A laughing stock."},{"id":448,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/301ra9/swear_you_wont_get_mad/","score":3437,"part1":"Swear you won't get mad","mature":false,"author":"ejramire","part2":"* Her: Do these pants make me look fat? * Him: Do you swear you won't get mad if I tell you the truth? * Her: I won't get mad, honey. You can tell me. * Him: I'm fucking your sister."},{"id":449,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2168rx/what_body_part_grows_ten_times_its_size_when/","score":3445,"part1":"What body part grows ten times its size when stimulated?","mature":false,"author":"brosama-binladen","part2":"The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, \"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?\"   No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, \"You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!\"   Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, \"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?\"   Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, \"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!\"   The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, \"Anybody?\"   Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, \"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.\"   Mrs. Parks said, \"Very good, Billy,\" then turned to Mary and continued. \"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:   One, you have a dirty mind.  Two, you didn't read your homework  And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."},{"id":450,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nwms8/donald_trump_visits_an_elementary_school/","score":4769,"part1":"Donald Trump visits an elementary school","mature":false,"author":"JayKay80","part2":"Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word \"tragedy.\" So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: \"If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.\" \"No,\" says Mr Trump, \"that would be an accident.\" A little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.\" \"I'm afraid not,\" explains the exalted businessman. \"That's what we would call a great loss.\" The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: \"If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.\" \"Fantastic!\" exclaims Mr Trump, \"That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?\" \"Well,\" says the boy, \"because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.\""},{"id":451,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xz3a1/as_i_approach_50_my_wife_suggested_i_get_myself/","score":4764,"part1":"As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...","mature":true,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"So I have.   She's 25 and her name is Candy."},{"id":452,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dyyyp/whats_saudi_arabias_highest_rated_sitcom/","score":4767,"part1":"Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?","mature":false,"author":"TheTrueNobody","part2":"How I bought your mother"},{"id":453,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j9os8/two_guys_wanna_go_out_and_get_real_hammered_but/","score":4752,"part1":"Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1","mature":false,"author":"shanmustafa","part2":"So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on it. Of course, the bartender thinks something else is going on, so he kicks them out, forgetting that they haven't paid yet.   These two young men end up doing this at around 15 more bars and are totally drunk. The one guy says \"My back is soooo sore from bendin over so much.\"   The second guy then says \"Well you think that's bad? I lost the sausage around 7 bars ago!\""},{"id":454,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lj8lm/i_left_my_adderall_in_my_ford_fiesta/","score":4748,"part1":"I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta.","mature":false,"author":"Ryanismeyes","part2":"Now it's a Ford Focus."},{"id":455,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/476u7p/who_wears_a_red_suit_and_knows_if_you_were/","score":4754,"part1":"Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?","mature":false,"author":"Rubiego","part2":"The Spanish Inquisition."},{"id":456,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wtywa/i_was_in_a_job_interview_today_when_the_manager/","score":4746,"part1":"I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...","mature":false,"author":"NineteenEighty9","part2":"\"I want you to try and sell this to me.\"  So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.  Eventually he called my mobile and said, \"Bring it back here right now!\"  I said, \"$200 and it's yours.\""},{"id":457,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tqzcv/give_a_man_a_fish_and_he_eats_for_a_day/","score":4742,"part1":"Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day","mature":false,"author":"FarazR90","part2":"Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince."},{"id":458,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/395l7g/2_guys_at_a_urinal_nsfw/","score":4739,"part1":"2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW","mature":true,"author":"klol246","part2":"Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.  Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, \"Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you.\" The man asks, \"Can you unzip my zipper?\" Bob says, \"OK.\"   Then the man says, \"Can you pull it out for me?\" Bob replies, \"Uh, yeah, OK.\"  Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, \"Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.\" Bob says, \"No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?\" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, \"I don't know, but I ain't touching it.\""},{"id":459,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uczpi/me_tarzan_you_jane/","score":4730,"part1":"Me Tarzan, you Jane...","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.   \"Tarzan not know sex.\" he replied.  Jane explained to him what it was.   Tarzan said, \"Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.\"  Horrified, Jane said, \"Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it  properly.\"   She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.   \"Here.\" she said, pointing to her privates, \"You must put it in here.\"   Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!    Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.    Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, \"What did you do that for?!\"  Tarzan replied, \"Check for squirrel.\""},{"id":460,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45qjaq/tifu_by_sending_my_nudes_to_everyone_in_my/","score":4726,"part1":"TIFU by sending my nudes to everyone in my address book","mature":false,"author":"suckurmum","part2":"Cost me a fortune in stamps"},{"id":461,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uuwra/give_a_man_a_jacket/","score":4721,"part1":"Give a man a jacket","mature":false,"author":"the_mighty_shave","part2":"He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house."},{"id":462,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/466je4/the_lawyers_car/","score":4721,"part1":"The Lawyer's Car","mature":false,"author":"80sDweeb","part2":"A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. \"NOOO!\" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, \"MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!\"  \"You're a lawyer aren't you?\" asked the policeman.  \"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!\" the lawyer asked.  \"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?\" the cop said.  The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, \"MY ROLEX!\""},{"id":463,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k8vdu/i_give_to_you_a_joke_i_made_up_when_i_was_seven/","score":4719,"part1":"I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?","mature":false,"author":"TheTyGoss","part2":"Because it had a bad driver!  *drops mic*"},{"id":464,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g3ow2/screaming_waitress/","score":4714,"part1":"Screaming Waitress","mature":false,"author":"RainforestRabbit","part2":"I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”  I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”  Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy."},{"id":465,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jqq8t/whats_the_difference_between_tuna_a_piano_and_glue/","score":4708,"part1":"What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?","mature":false,"author":"Adjectives_are_great","part2":"You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna."},{"id":466,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xglg8/a_sensitive_guy/","score":4702,"part1":"A Sensitive Guy","mature":false,"author":"weaverl47","part2":"A woman meets a man in a bar.   They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.   They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.   There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!   It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.   There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.   She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.  She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,   After awhile, she finds herself thinking,    'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!   'Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.   He responds warmly.   They continue to kiss, the passion builds.   And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom,  where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.  She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.  After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,  they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,   'Well, how was it?'   The guy gently smiles at her,  strokes her cheek,  looks deeply into her eyes,        and says:     'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'"},{"id":467,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tbrm7/what_does_a_polish_bride_get_on_her_wedding_night/","score":4694,"part1":"What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?","mature":false,"author":"Flipz100","part2":"a new last name"},{"id":468,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sjkh8/son_i_found_a_condom_in_your_room/","score":4689,"part1":"\"Son, I found a condom in your room\"","mature":false,"author":"rbk4life","part2":"\"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!\"  \"Why are you calling me Grandpa?\"  \"Because I couldn't find it yesterday.\""},{"id":469,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ijhhi/my_girlfriend_just_text_me/","score":4684,"part1":"My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'","mature":false,"author":"KONNYKON1","part2":"Anybody know what 'ternative' means?"},{"id":470,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4smxjj/mom_finds_a_large_number_of_bdsm_magazines/","score":4689,"part1":"Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.","mature":false,"author":"theowroos","part2":"Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. \"What do you think we should do?\" she asks. Father frowns and responds \"Well I guess spanking him is out of the question\""},{"id":471,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m71t5/whats_the_difference_between_a_paycheck_and_a/","score":4687,"part1":"What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?","mature":true,"author":"Tashgod","part2":"You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck"},{"id":472,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xodhr/police_why_didnt_you_report_your_stolen_credit/","score":4680,"part1":"Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?","mature":false,"author":"mirocj","part2":"Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?   Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.   Police: Then why are you reporting it now?   Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!"},{"id":473,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4estbo/a_texan_walks_into_an_irish_bar/","score":4686,"part1":"A Texan walks into an Irish bar...","mature":false,"author":"DukeSwanky","part2":"A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, \"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.\"  The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. \"Is your bet still good?\" asks the Irishman.  The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.  The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, \"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?\" The Irishman replies, \"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.\""},{"id":474,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4q355h/an_englishman_a_scotsman_and_an_irishman_walk/","score":4675,"part1":"An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...","mature":false,"author":"AliAlam","part2":"An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...  The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave."},{"id":475,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48klnu/so_the_american_peoples_choices_for_president/","score":3556,"part1":"So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.","mature":false,"author":"Strawberrycocoa","part2":"That is the joke. There's no punchline here."},{"id":476,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4twbks/i_went_to_the_doctors_with_hearing_problems/","score":3562,"part1":"I went to the doctors with hearing problems...","mature":false,"author":"m4ax","part2":"He said \"Can you describe the symptoms?\" So I replied \"Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair\""},{"id":477,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2s45bf/im_making_a_graph_of_my_past_relationships/","score":3556,"part1":"I'm making a graph of my past relationships...","mature":false,"author":"Waltzer64","part2":"I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis."},{"id":478,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2pctwz/how_do_you_get_a_sweet_little_old_lady_to_say_f/","score":3556,"part1":"How do you get a sweet little old lady to say F***?","mature":false,"author":"aliashole","part2":"Get another one to yell BINGO"},{"id":479,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kzhl7/blowjobs_do_not_relieve_headaches/","score":3553,"part1":"Blowjobs do not relieve headaches","mature":false,"author":"s_a_j26","part2":"The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, \"Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache...\"  So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.  I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt."},{"id":480,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3og716/leather_armor_is_the_best_for_sneaking_because/","score":3555,"part1":"Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.","mature":false,"author":"Gatsbyyy","part2":""},{"id":481,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2dvyr7/how_old_do_you_think_i_am/","score":3549,"part1":"How old do you think I am?","mature":true,"author":"crazyasianAC","part2":"A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.   She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.   On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.  As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, \"I hope you  don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?\"  \"About 35,\" was the reply.   \"I'm actually 47,\" the woman said, feeling really happy.   After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order  taker the same question. He replied, \"Oh, you look about 29.\"   \"I am actually 47!\" she said, feeling really good.   While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.  He replied, \"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I  was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my  hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.\"  There was no one around, so the woman said, \"What the hell?\" and let  him slip his hand up her skirt.  After feeling around for a while, the old man said, \"OK, You are 47.\"  Stunned, the woman said, \"That was brilliant! How did you do that?\"   The old man replied, \"I was behind you in line at McDonalds.\""},{"id":482,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uoyhy/my_dad_posted_a_picture_of_his_condom_challenge/","score":3541,"part1":"My dad posted a picture of his \"Condom challenge fail\"","mature":false,"author":"jajmajestic","part2":"It was a picture of me"},{"id":483,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2w9vbq/what_is_the_difference_between_a_garbanzo_bean/","score":3549,"part1":"What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?","mature":false,"author":"AoutivD","part2":"...   I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.  "},{"id":484,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2dsq8l/i_give_to_you_a_joke_i_made_up_when_i_was_seven/","score":3547,"part1":"I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?","mature":false,"author":"TheTyGoss","part2":"It had a bad driver!  **bows **  I'll show myself out."},{"id":485,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qnzjd/what_does_a_necrophiliac_and_an_alcoholic_have_in/","score":3546,"part1":"What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?","mature":true,"author":"Molester_Stallone_","part2":"They both like to crack open a cold one."},{"id":486,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2hz7xk/i_tried_to_force_feed_my_child/","score":3540,"part1":"I tried to force feed my child...","mature":false,"author":"Bearded_bat","part2":"After a while, my wife said, \"Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi.\""},{"id":487,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gh7q0/my_great_grandpa_randy_was_a_brick_layer/","score":3538,"part1":"My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...","mature":true,"author":"charlton92","part2":"He said, \"I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'   Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'  But you fuck just one goat."},{"id":488,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3epzn3/masturbating_into_condoms/","score":3540,"part1":"Masturbating into condoms...","mature":false,"author":"birdman619","part2":"Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.   After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there.  \"What happened to the rest of them?\" she asks accusingly.  \"Well... I masturbated into them,\" he says.  She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it.  \"Do you guys ever do that?\" she asks.  \"Sure, all the time,\" her friend says.  \"Really, you masturbate into condoms?\" she responds.  \"Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!\""},{"id":489,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bbwdk/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/","score":3538,"part1":"Why did the semen cross the road?","mature":false,"author":"wootiown","part2":"I wore the wrong socks this morning    *"},{"id":490,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n3225/a_husband_and_his_wife_were_always_fighting_each/","score":3538,"part1":"A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.","mature":false,"author":"theshantanu","part2":"When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.\r\rThe woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'\r\rNeighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..\r\rTo everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband  had a closed casket at the wake..\r\rAfter the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'\r\rThe husband  put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'"},{"id":491,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2w0tzc/why_do_the_lannisters_have_such_big_beds/","score":3531,"part1":"Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?","mature":false,"author":"DarthHound","part2":"They push two twins together to make a king.   "},{"id":492,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jwhbr/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/","score":3527,"part1":"A man walks into a bar","mature":false,"author":"yeskevinlad277","part2":"and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him.  So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. \"Thank you for freeing me. For this, you can have one wish.\" So the man thinks for a bit and shouts, \"I want a million ducks!\" and as soon as he said it, money fell from the sky, hundreds and thousands of cash scattered everywhere. So the man collects all the cash and walks back into the bar to return the lamp. The bartender, who witnessed the whole event asks, \"Wow, how did you know that the genie was hard of hearing?\"  \"Well,\" the man replies, \"I see this joke posted here every day.\""},{"id":493,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p3le8/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/","score":3526,"part1":"A man walks into a bar.......","mature":false,"author":"bh41","part2":"A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, \"I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home.\""},{"id":494,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3repfd/til_calaways_law_states_that_the_best_way_to_get/","score":3530,"part1":"TIL Calaway's Law states that \"the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.\"","mature":false,"author":"Win_in_Roam","part2":"Now we wait."},{"id":495,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2syggy/dont_fart_in_the_bed_favorite_joke/","score":3528,"part1":"Don't fart in the bed... (favorite joke)","mature":false,"author":"Zeolance","part2":"This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.  The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.  Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.  The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.  She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.  Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.  The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.  About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.  She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, \"Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.  \"What do you mean?\" asked his wife.  \"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in."},{"id":496,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36dcxf/if_a_bluebird_has_blue_babies_and_a_redbird_has/","score":3522,"part1":"If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?","mature":false,"author":"whitestripes1372","part2":"A swallow"},{"id":497,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32gbj6/a_bear_goes_into_a_bar/","score":3516,"part1":"A bear goes into a bar","mature":false,"author":"fshamrock","part2":"he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.  he then calmly orders a beer  bartender: \"sorry, we don't serve drug users in here\" bear: \"but I don't do drugs\" bartender: \"what about that barbitchyouate\""},{"id":498,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qas7c/when_i_was_6_i_got_coal_from_santa/","score":3518,"part1":"When I was 6 I got coal from Santa...","mature":false,"author":"nome0009","part2":"The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad"},{"id":499,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sv3j5/a_man_asks_god/","score":3520,"part1":"A man asks god...","mature":false,"author":"KerbalDeadlock152","part2":"Man:\"Why did you make women so beautiful?\" God:\"So you would love her.\" Man:\"Then why did you make her so dumb?\" God:\"So she would love you.\""},{"id":500,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2fap7s/accordion_to_a_recent_survey_replacing_words_with/","score":3361,"part1":"Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.","mature":false,"author":"thenamesfucky","part2":""},{"id":501,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u155b/a_bikini_is_an_outfit_where_90_of_a_womans_body/","score":3361,"part1":"A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.","mature":false,"author":"maomaodong","part2":"The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't."},{"id":502,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pamaz/it_all/","score":3353,"part1":"It all.","mature":false,"author":"nameerk","part2":"The title says it all."},{"id":503,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gird/i_always_start_crying_uncontrollably_whenever_i/","score":3358,"part1":"I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .","mature":false,"author":"Necroblight","part2":". . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?"},{"id":504,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3acsk8/a_german_a_frenchman_and_an_englishman_go_fishing/","score":3352,"part1":"A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...","mature":false,"author":"spineyrequiem","part2":"They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says \"Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!\"  The German throws the fish back and says \"I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty\", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.  \"I wish,\" said the Frenchman, \"For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out.\"  The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. \"Done! And what do you want?\"  \"Is there a wall around France?\" asks the Englishman  \"Yes.\" replies the fish.  \"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?\"  \"Yes.\"  \"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?\"  \"Yes.\"  \"Well then,\" says the Englishman, \"I want you to fill it with water.\""},{"id":505,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bf7pa/my_son_was_thrown_out_of_school_today_for_letting/","score":3354,"part1":"My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said,\"Son that's three schools this year.","mature":false,"author":"stringer_bellski","part2":"Maybe teaching isn't for you.\""},{"id":506,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ptcmw/bill_gates_why_dont_you_tell_me_why_bing_failed/","score":3356,"part1":"Bill Gates: \"Why don't you tell me why Bing failed\"","mature":false,"author":"sysroot107","part2":"Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.   Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.   Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean."},{"id":507,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1dh1f0/today_i_saw_a_midget_prisoner_climbing_down_a/","score":3353,"part1":"Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.","mature":false,"author":"sawboman","part2":""},{"id":508,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2jukv4/a_couple_goes_to_a_sex_therapist/","score":3362,"part1":"A couple goes to a sex therapist..","mature":false,"author":"Pandibabi","part2":"A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, \"What can I do for you?\"  The man said, \"Will you watch us have sex?\"  The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.  When the couple finished, the doctor said, \"There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex,\" and charged them $50.  This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.  Finally, the doctor asked, \"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?\"  \"We're not trying to find out anything,\" the husband replied. \"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare"},{"id":509,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gm7qp/i_wrote_a_haiku_about_admins_and_mods/","score":3346,"part1":"I wrote a haiku about admins and mods","mature":false,"author":"ZacharyRoyBoy","part2":"[removed] [deleted]   [removed] [deleted] [removed]   [deleted] [removed]"},{"id":510,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2s29js/what_did_one_saggy_boob_say_to_the_other/","score":3356,"part1":"What did one saggy boob say to the other?","mature":false,"author":"Ithone","part2":"If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts."},{"id":511,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2hu42r/the_nintendo_64_turns_18_this_week/","score":3343,"part1":"The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...","mature":false,"author":"scottbyscott","part2":"Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges."},{"id":512,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ts3m8/i_farted_in_the_apple_store_and_everyone_got/","score":3349,"part1":"I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me.","mature":false,"author":"Exxenna","part2":"Not my fault they don't have Windows."},{"id":513,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31iolh/when_i_was_a_kid_i_thought_i_had_a_chinese_friend/","score":3348,"part1":"When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend","mature":false,"author":"aristicks","part2":"But it was just my imaginasian."},{"id":514,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ibdtx/my_wife_told_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/","score":3344,"part1":"My wife told me \"Sex is better on holiday\".","mature":false,"author":"cdim781","part2":"That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive."},{"id":515,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/320soc/why_do_native_americans_hate_snow/","score":3342,"part1":"Why do Native Americans hate snow?","mature":false,"author":"twisterkid34","part2":"Because it's white and settles on their land."},{"id":516,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8rpc/a_white_guy_black_guy_and_mexican/","score":3336,"part1":"A white guy, black guy, and Mexican","mature":true,"author":"ANARCHYEL1TE","part2":"A white man, black man, and a Mexican are stranded on an island. A Tribe finds them and the chief of the tribe says \"alright, if you want to survive, go into the jungle and grab 10 fruit on one kind each.\" So the men go into the jungle and bring back fruit. The Mexican comes back and has 10 apples. The chief then told him \"alright, if you want to live, shove these up your ass and don't show any emotion, if you show emotion I'll kill you\" the Mexican gets to the 2nd apple and cries in pain, so the tribe kills him. The white man brought back blackberries, and he did the same. When he got to the 9th black berry he saw the black man coming back with watermelons, but he didn't react, and shoves them all up his ass. The chief exclaimed \"NO ONE HAS EVER PASSED, can you tell me, how did you pass?\" Then the white man says \"well, you see, I'm subscribed to /r/jokes, and I see this joke EVERY FUCKING DAY\""},{"id":517,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1ep9yv/a_man_whod_just_died_is_delivered_to_a_local/","score":3341,"part1":"A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...","mature":false,"author":"flabbio","part2":"... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.   The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.   The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'   The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.   She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'   To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'   'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.   'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'   'So I just switched the heads.'"},{"id":518,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d4ddm/a_small_collection_of_my_favorite_science_jokes/","score":3345,"part1":"A small collection of my favorite science jokes","mature":false,"author":"femtoparsec","part2":"A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”  “For you, sir, no charge!”     What's 2 times 2?  Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”  Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!”  Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”     Three logicians walk into a bar. “You all want a beer?” the bartender asks.  “I don’t know,” says the first logician.  “I don’t know either,” says the second logician.  Says the third logician, “If that’s the case, then we all want a beer.”     Atom 1: “I think I lost one of my electrons somewhere.”  Atom 2: “Are you sure?”  Atom 1: ”Yes, I’m positive!”     A neutrino walks through a bar.     A photon checks into a hotel. “Do you need help with your luggage?” the clerk asks.  “No thanks, I’m travelling light.”     A mathematician walks into a bar. “I’ll have a pint, and then half a pint and then a quarter of a pint and then an eighth of a pint-”  The bartender, who is also a mathematician, interrupts him, “Two pints, coming right up!”     A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.  “Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently the sheep in Scotland are black.”  “Nonsense!” says the physicist. “All we can say for sure is that there is one sheep in Scotland that’s black.”  “I am afraid you are both wrong,” the mathematician explains. “The only thing that is certain is that there is a sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side.”     There are two types of people in the world.  Those who can extrapolate from from incomplete data.     What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe?  Zero, all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.     Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?  They always ended up with X equals 10.     “I never get any good data. Sometimes I think the particle accelerator hates me.”  “Never anthropomorphize machines. They hate that.”"},{"id":519,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/370w21/blonde_is_pulled_over_by_a_blonde_cop/","score":3345,"part1":"Blonde is pulled over by a blonde cop..","mature":false,"author":"smashley951","part2":"A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.   The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'   The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.   'Here it is,' she said.   The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too.'  "},{"id":520,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/419jtr/what_gets_easier_to_pick_up_the_more_it_weighs/","score":3334,"part1":"What gets easier to pick up, the more it weighs?","mature":false,"author":"edfitz83","part2":"Women"},{"id":521,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xbthh/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay_person/","score":3333,"part1":"How do you confuse a gay person?","mature":false,"author":"biant_goobs","part2":"Seven"},{"id":522,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oty8m/ive_got_one_thing_to_say_to_all_you_motherfuckers/","score":3333,"part1":"I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers.","mature":true,"author":"Princess_Little","part2":"Happy Father's day"},{"id":523,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dq0wk/a_british_man_is_visiting_australia/","score":3327,"part1":"A British man is visiting Australia.","mature":false,"author":"TaintedLion","part2":"The man at customs asks him  \"Do you have a criminal record?\"  The British man replies  \"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more.\""},{"id":524,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2moy4x/i_just_ordered_a_chicken_and_an_egg_from_amazon/","score":3325,"part1":"I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.","mature":false,"author":"MrMikeHunt","part2":"I'll let you know"},{"id":525,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31bkc6/what_did_the_egg_say_to_the_boiling_water/","score":4170,"part1":"What did the egg say to the boiling water?","mature":true,"author":"1spdstr","part2":"It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick."},{"id":526,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2x4f2i/one_day_terrorists_attacked_a_village_nsfw/","score":4161,"part1":"One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]","mature":true,"author":"absolutehalil","part2":"Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.  They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrorist turned to the women and said \"You are going to touch every penis one by one. If you find your husband, that couple will be saved. If you cant find, wife and husband will die.\"   After that, first woman started to check penises one by one,  \"Not this, not this, husbaand!\"  She found right and both were spared. Then second woman came,  \"Not this, not this, not this, nope, husbaaand!\"  She was also right, both were again spared. Third one,  \"Not this, not this, not this,... , husbaand!\" Again right. This situation continued to appear. As a result, terrorist got bored and entered the queue. Next women came and started,  \"Not this, not this, not this, not from village, not this, not this, husbaand!\"  "},{"id":527,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30lqfm/what_do_you_call_immigrants_to_sweden/","score":4170,"part1":"What do you call immigrants to Sweden?","mature":false,"author":"jubileo5","part2":"Artificial Swedeners"},{"id":528,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cb98p/construction_worker_joke/","score":4165,"part1":"Construction Worker Joke","mature":false,"author":"jomean","part2":"Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning \"I\", pointed to his knee meaning \"need\", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, \"What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!\". The other guy says, \"I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"},{"id":529,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kslip/why_was_star_wars_shot_episodes_4_5_6_then_1_2_3/","score":4165,"part1":"Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?","mature":false,"author":"flying_dutchmaster","part2":"Because in charge of directing, Yoda was"},{"id":530,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3s27kw/what_is_the_most_sensitive_part_of_a_mans_anatomy/","score":4155,"part1":"What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?","mature":false,"author":"WallOtterCarpetSeal","part2":"His ears.  Oooo! I get to say it! \"Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!\" Oh yea, and \"RIP my inbox\" Good times!"},{"id":531,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vc9yf/how_do_you_confuse_a_gay_person/","score":4154,"part1":"How do you confuse a gay person?","mature":false,"author":"TheOnlyAccount","part2":"Seven"},{"id":532,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gc92n/an_old_blind_cowboy_wanders_into_a_bar/","score":4153,"part1":"An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....","mature":false,"author":"V_Zvyagintsev","part2":"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,   \"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?\"   The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,   \"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler  \"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?\"  The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, \"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.\""},{"id":533,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pjsus/english_can_be_weird/","score":4156,"part1":"English can be weird.","mature":false,"author":"eclipsor","part2":"It can be understood through tough thorough thought though."},{"id":534,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x1q75/a_university_student_wanted_to_sit_next_to_one_of/","score":4155,"part1":"A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch","mature":false,"author":"Zsolty0497","part2":"However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:  'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'  'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.  The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams.  At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:  'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'  'The gold.'  'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.'  'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student.  The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes \"ass\" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:  'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'"},{"id":535,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2d4zfx/bill_gates_in_an_airport_lounge/","score":4149,"part1":"Bill Gates in an airport lounge","mature":false,"author":"Said_no_juan_ever","part2":"I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.   I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick \"Hello Chris\" at me when I was with my client.   He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, \"Hi Chris, what's happening?\" To which I replied:  \"Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting.\""},{"id":536,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zf2dq/four_former_us_presidents/","score":4143,"part1":"Four former U.S. presidents...","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.  Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.  They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.  “What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”  Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”  ”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”  Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”  ”Done,” says the Wizard.  “Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”  Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”  ”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”  There is a great silence in the hall.  Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.  Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”  ”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”"},{"id":537,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b9a6t/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/","score":4144,"part1":"Why did the Mexican take xanax?","mature":false,"author":"russmbiz","part2":"Hispanic attacks."},{"id":538,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ofred/314_of_sailors_are/","score":4144,"part1":"3.14% of sailors are...","mature":false,"author":"biffarino","part2":"π-rates."},{"id":539,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36m1a3/ive_recently_developed_a_severe_phobia_of/","score":4139,"part1":"I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.","mature":false,"author":"forte2","part2":"I'm taking steps to avoid them."},{"id":540,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b6x5n/great_wine_is_like_great_jazz/","score":4138,"part1":"Great wine is like great jazz...","mature":false,"author":"post_with_the_most","part2":"It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.  "},{"id":541,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2v7jav/why_is_pavlovs_hair_so_soft/","score":4134,"part1":"Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?","mature":false,"author":"sebaquinn","part2":"Classic conditioning."},{"id":542,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h7hs/so_i_went_to_a_mixed_religion_seminar/","score":4137,"part1":"So I went to a mixed religion seminar...","mature":false,"author":"nostalgiahater","part2":"The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”  I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.   The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!  I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.   The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”  I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”   The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”  I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.   After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.  "},{"id":543,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4syy66/a_man_is_praying_in_church/","score":4133,"part1":"A man is praying in church.","mature":false,"author":"TeamOhio","part2":"He looks up to heaven and says \"God, could you answer a question for me?\"  \"Of course, my son,\" says God, \"what would you like to know?\"  \"God, what is a million years to you?\"  \"Well,\" says God, \"a million years to me is as a second.\"  \"Hmm,\" says the man. \"I guess I understand. So what is a million dollars to you then?\"  \"My son,\" God says, \"a million dollars to me is as a penny.\"  \"Hmm,\" says the man. He goes back to praying, but after a little while he looks up again.  \"God,\" he asks, \"can I have a penny?\"  \"Sure,\" God says. \"Just a second.\""},{"id":544,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39q489/my_wife_just_called_me/","score":4129,"part1":"My wife just called me.","mature":false,"author":"Bushwacker61","part2":"She said, \"Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.\"    I said, \"Well that's probably why they've received flowers then.\""},{"id":545,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pun9a/where_would_you_park_your_camel/","score":4124,"part1":"Where would you park your camel?","mature":false,"author":"somethingsarcastic","part2":"The Camelot.   PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment  "},{"id":546,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48sxql/if_hillary_clinton_and_donald_trump_are_in_a_boat/","score":4121,"part1":"If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?","mature":false,"author":"Daniel135790","part2":"America."},{"id":547,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wmf1r/an_elderly_woman_enters_the_canadian_national/","score":4114,"part1":"An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money","mature":false,"author":"Zsolty0497","part2":"She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying \"a lot of money\" was to be dealt with.  After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank.  '$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.  Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.  'Gambling' she muttered.  'What kind of gambling?' the president asked.  'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.'  'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.'  'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone.  'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!'  'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?'  'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone.  That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet.  The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet.  'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!'  The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted... after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000!  That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall.  'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?'  'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'"},{"id":548,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35a2mm/as_told_to_me_by_an_85_year_old_shriner_clown/","score":4120,"part1":"As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.","mature":false,"author":"barkingt18","part2":"Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says \"gee Susie, what's going on?\"  Susie says \"I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious.\"  Mr. Johnson asks \"why are you digging a hole?\"  Susie replies \"I'm burying my gold fish.\"  Mr Johnson laughs and asks \"Why is the hole so big?\"  Susie replies \"Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat\".   "},{"id":549,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wyjci/two_statues_one_nude_male_one_nude_female_sit/","score":4114,"part1":"Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…","mature":false,"author":"bumbleguff","part2":"One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.  The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear.  He says to the couple, \"You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other.\" He pauses, and then adds: \"It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time.\"  The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes.  The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush.  The angel glanced at his watch. \"You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!\"  The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, \"Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!\""},{"id":550,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44avcp/when_my_wife_left_i_was_sad_and_lonely/","score":4682,"part1":"When my wife left, I was sad and lonely","mature":false,"author":"SaltySeaDodger","part2":"So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.   She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work."},{"id":551,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40eh7v/what_does_a_turtle_and_a_pedophile_have_in_common/","score":4676,"part1":"What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?","mature":false,"author":"InsaneAdoration","part2":"They both want to get there before the hare does."},{"id":552,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4oxx41/so_i_was_sitting_on_the_bus_just_reading_a_book/","score":4681,"part1":"So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.","mature":false,"author":"Syrafes","part2":"I turned around and saw an old lady.  She said to me,  \"Sonny,  would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like.\"   \"Sure.\",  I replied.  Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.   \"What a nice lady\", I thought,  while happily munching on the nuts.   A few minutes later,  I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again,  offering some nuts.  I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.    After about 10 minutes,  she tapped me on the shoulder,  once again offering some nuts.   I asked her,  \"Why don't you eat them yourself?\"   \"Because we've got no teeth\",  she replied.   \"Then why do you buy them?\", I asked.   \"Oh,  because we just love the chocolate around them.\""},{"id":553,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3d7cnk/how_my_husband_and_i_terrified_a_taxi_driver/","score":4675,"part1":"How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver","mature":false,"author":"RTargaryen","part2":"My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.  Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.  Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.  \"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.\"  The silence in the taxi was deafening....."},{"id":554,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cg4rh/a_man_wakes_up_after_a_heavy_night_of_drinking_to/","score":4678,"part1":"A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.","mature":false,"author":"KidCudiPeakedAtMOTM","part2":"Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.  \"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants.\"  \"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?\"  \"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'\""},{"id":555,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3we3z3/a_rich_old_man_goes_golfing_with_his_friends/","score":4673,"part1":"A rich old man goes golfing with his friends","mature":false,"author":"PoetWithAPoem","part2":"And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.  \"Well guys, meet my new fiancée\" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.  After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: \"how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!\"  \"I lied about my age\"  \"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?\"  \"I told her I was ninety\"    "},{"id":556,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qsl6t/easy_way_to_search_your_wife/","score":4664,"part1":"Easy way to search your wife.","mature":false,"author":"privacyact","part2":"A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,   \"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.\"   \"Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?\"     The woman looked puzzled.   \"Why talk to me?\" she asked.     \"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!\""},{"id":557,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nrc0r/i_for_one_like_roman_numerals/","score":4648,"part1":"I, for one, like Roman Numerals","mature":false,"author":"PilgrimSnow","part2":""},{"id":558,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xg2ng/if_a_rich_man_dies_from_a_drug_overdose_the/","score":4644,"part1":"If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read \"Pills bury dough boy\"","mature":false,"author":"Ysmildr","part2":"Credit to my friend Chris"},{"id":559,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4946r5/my_girlfriend_tried_to_make_me_have_sex_on_the/","score":4644,"part1":"My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...","mature":false,"author":"ZE_R0","part2":"But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord."},{"id":560,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gzfj0/why_are_women_and_children_evacuated_first_in_a/","score":4644,"part1":"Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?","mature":false,"author":"Pync","part2":"So we can think about a solution in silence."},{"id":561,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hj06f/a_man_is_buying_a_banana_an_apple_and_two_eggs/","score":4644,"part1":"A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: \"You must be single.\"","mature":false,"author":"HenningSGE","part2":"The man answers: \"Wow, how did you know?\"  Cashier: \"Because you're ugly.\""},{"id":562,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kwmu5/dave_drowned_so_at_the_funeral_we_got_him_a/","score":4645,"part1":"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.","mature":false,"author":"commentssortedbynew","part2":"Well, it's what he would have wanted."},{"id":563,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ro9qg/why_is_the_white_guy_the_scariest_guy_in_prison/","score":4630,"part1":"Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?","mature":false,"author":"blergtronica","part2":"You know he's guilty."},{"id":564,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2z0wx5/what_do_sprinters_eat_before_a_race/","score":4629,"part1":"What do sprinters eat before a race?","mature":false,"author":"prashnerd","part2":"Nothing, they fast.   I'll see myself out."},{"id":565,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3q0s4g/two_little_boys_stole_a_big_bag_of_oranges_from_a/","score":4630,"part1":"Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...","mature":false,"author":"PurpleBandit3000","part2":"They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.   One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.   As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.   Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: \"One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.\"   He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest   \"Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery\"   They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: \"One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.\"   Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:  \"What about the two at the gate?\""},{"id":566,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49yab6/cheeseburger_150_chicken_sandwich_250_hand_job/","score":4623,"part1":"CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00","mature":true,"author":"anon071","part2":"A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.  \"Can I help you?\" she asks.  \"I was wondering,\" whispers the man. \"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?\" \"Yes,\" she purrs. \"I am.\" The man replies, \"Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.\""},{"id":567,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a6cp4/why_does_bill_clinton_wear_boxers/","score":4626,"part1":"Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?","mature":false,"author":"batesy32","part2":"to keep his ankles warm  "},{"id":568,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ebua/new_study_reveals_that_women_slightly_overweight/","score":4618,"part1":"New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer","mature":false,"author":"rexbry","part2":"than the men who mention it"},{"id":569,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49v13m/an_officer_was_fired_for_smoking_cannabis_and/","score":4606,"part1":"An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.","mature":false,"author":"CameronEdwards","part2":"No name was given but he was a high wanking officer."},{"id":570,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ity10/a_student_goes_to_the_principal/","score":4606,"part1":"A student goes to the principal","mature":false,"author":"kizilsakal","part2":"A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks:  \"What is your name, son?\" The student replies: \"D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.\" Then the principal asks: \"Oh, do you have a stutter?\" Student answers: \"No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.\"  "},{"id":571,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40heu4/when_i_see_a_girl_i_first_look_at_her_hair_then/","score":4599,"part1":"When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...","mature":false,"author":"Vojta7","part2":"Damn dial-up!"},{"id":572,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wgall/my_girlfriend_told_me_to_take_the_spider_out/","score":4599,"part1":"My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.","mature":false,"author":"dream-hunter","part2":"We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer."},{"id":573,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40yg5v/a_man_goes_to_a_costume_party_with_nothing_but_a/","score":4601,"part1":"A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.","mature":false,"author":"inexplorata","part2":"\"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?\" the host asks.  \"I'm a turtle,\" the man replies.  \"What a pile of shite!\" the host replies. \"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?\"  \"Oh her?\" the man smiles. \"That's just Michelle!\""},{"id":574,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3prgix/dating_a_stripper_is_like_eating_a_bag_of_chips/","score":4593,"part1":"Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.","mature":false,"author":"_420CakeDay","part2":"Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too"},{"id":575,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tav80/german_girlfriend/","score":4892,"part1":"German girlfriend","mature":true,"author":"Atonsis","part2":"My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.  Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done."},{"id":576,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3b49kh/maria_a_maid_asks_her_boss_for_a_raise/","score":4889,"part1":"Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.","mature":false,"author":"Bushwacker61","part2":"Her boss is annoyed and asks, \"Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?\"    Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.'    Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'    Maria: 'Your husband said so.'    Wife: 'Oh.'    Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'    Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'    Maria: 'Your husband did.'    Wife: 'Oh.'    Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'    The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?'    Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.'    Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'"},{"id":577,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33ljbh/90s_kids_wont_get_this/","score":4892,"part1":"90s kids won't get this . . .","mature":false,"author":"sammyslobando","part2":"Social Security benefits."},{"id":578,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wb8r4/the_car_wont_start_said_a_wife_to_her_husband/","score":4884,"part1":"\"The car won't start,\" said a wife to her husband.","mature":false,"author":"Idiotnextdoor_2","part2":"\"I think there's water in the carburetor.\"  \"How do you know?\" said the husband scornfully. \"You don't even know what the carburetor is.\"  \"I'm telling you,\" repeated the wife, \"I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor.\"  \"We'll see,\" mocked the husband. \"Let me check it out. Where's the car?\"  \"In the swimming pool.\""},{"id":579,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45e9si/where_did_noah_keep_his_bees/","score":4890,"part1":"Where did Noah keep his bees?","mature":false,"author":"Ajubbajub","part2":"In the ark hives"},{"id":580,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ss42z/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/","score":4885,"part1":"My girlfriend said to me \"sex is better on holiday\"...","mature":false,"author":"Techtorn211","part2":"That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive."},{"id":581,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i5p7u/i_told_god_a_holocaust_joke_he_didnt_laugh/","score":4879,"part1":"I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.","mature":false,"author":"AlexKmZ","part2":"after a moment of awkward silence, I said: \"Well I guess you should have been there\"."},{"id":582,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/362bqf/a_us_marine_colonel_was_about_to_start_the/","score":4883,"part1":"A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..","mature":false,"author":"notgmoney","part2":"A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.  While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.  He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.  He posed the question of just how much of sex was \"work\" and how much of it was \"pleasure?\"  A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.  A Captain said it was 50%-50%.  A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.  There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?  Without  any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, \"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.  The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?  \"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.\"  The room fell silent"},{"id":583,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nxgee/a_doctor_a_priest_and_an_engineer_go_golfing/","score":4877,"part1":"A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...","mature":false,"author":"PeaPodBod","part2":"After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.      \"Let me explain,\" says the manager. \"You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do.\"      The priest, looks forlorn and says, \"I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men.\"      The doctor says, \"what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!\"      The engineer thinks for a moment and says, \"why can't they golf at night?\""},{"id":584,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4no0bh/women_are_like_hurricanes/","score":4873,"part1":"Women are like Hurricanes","mature":false,"author":"WowFlakes","part2":"They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH"},{"id":585,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35edaq/english_is_weird/","score":4872,"part1":"English is weird..","mature":false,"author":"Chrisdabeer69","part2":"It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.  "},{"id":586,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wb5xh/tough_to_be_irish/","score":4871,"part1":"Tough to be Irish","mature":false,"author":"paisleyterror","part2":"\"What's your name?\", asked the teacher.  \"Mohammad,\" he replied.  \"You're in Ireland now,\" replied the teacher, \"So from now on you will be known as Mike.  \" Mohammad returned home after school.  \"How was your day, Mohammad?\", his mother asked.  \"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.  \"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!\"  And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.  The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.  \"What happened to you, Mike?\", she asked.   \"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs.\""},{"id":587,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qkaoy/what_do_prime_numbers_and_stoners_have_in_common/","score":4868,"part1":"What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?","mature":false,"author":"L285","part2":"The higher they are, the more spaced out they get"},{"id":588,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a0s3o/i_like_my_women_how_i_like_my_computer/","score":4861,"part1":"I like my women how I like my computer.","mature":false,"author":"dream-hunter","part2":"On my lap. Turned on. Virus free."},{"id":589,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/340qv8/russian_history_in_5_words/","score":4866,"part1":"Russian history in 5 words:","mature":false,"author":"camaro79","part2":"\"And then things got worse.\""},{"id":590,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3za0ts/joke_from_spain_forgive_my_english/","score":4858,"part1":"Joke from Spain (forgive my English)","mature":false,"author":"MaylkleemX","part2":"There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.  \"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!\" Says the wife. \"That's not true, you're not the mother!\" Replies the husband. \"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?\" Says the wife. \"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are,\" replies the husband.  The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that. \"Well,\" he replies, \"when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest.\"  \"And?\" She asks.  \"And I did!\""},{"id":591,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/18ztow/job_interview_whats_your_greatest_weakness/","score":4857,"part1":"Job interview: \"What's your greatest weakness?\"","mature":false,"author":"AmericanEmpire","part2":"\"Honesty.\"  \"I don't think honesty is a weakness.\"   \"I don't give a fuck what you think.\"  Source: [Jorgen Sundberg](https://twitter.com/JorgenSundberg/status/304345440017596418)"},{"id":592,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42g2ze/what_happened_when_the_semicolon_broke_grammar/","score":4852,"part1":"What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?","mature":false,"author":"MaxwellSinclair","part2":"It was given two consecutive sentences."},{"id":593,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x7ywp/what_do_a_cell_phone_and_anal_bleach_have_in/","score":4850,"part1":"What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?","mature":false,"author":"Absolut_Truth","part2":"They both change your ring tone"},{"id":594,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3es554/today_someone_was_killed_with_a_starter_pistol/","score":4839,"part1":"Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.","mature":false,"author":"ChuckieC","part2":"Police think it might be race related."},{"id":595,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r7zed/my_girlfriend_is_like_the_square_root_of_100/","score":4840,"part1":"My girlfriend is like the square root of -100","mature":false,"author":"TemperedFate","part2":"A perfect 10, but completely imaginary."},{"id":596,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37kitr/state_trooper_pulls_a_car_over/","score":4838,"part1":"State Trooper pulls a car over","mature":false,"author":"raknor88","part2":"A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.     The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.     The trooper said he had some flares and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.     While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.     The drunk replied, \"You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.\""},{"id":597,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3o5how/damn_girl_are_you_a_smoke_detector/","score":4839,"part1":"Damn girl are you a smoke detector?","mature":false,"author":"HashtagDickbag","part2":"Because you're super annoying and won't shut up"},{"id":598,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ldce/what_is_the_capital_of_greece/","score":4831,"part1":"What is the capital of Greece?","mature":false,"author":"Always_Shy","part2":"About 10 dollars."},{"id":599,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qqgik/osama_bin_laden_appeared_in_a_video_recently/","score":4836,"part1":"Osama Bin Laden appeared in a video recently claiming to be alive","mature":false,"author":"Mohammad_Lee","part2":"Among other things, he also commented on how shitty the English football team had become.  British Intelligence, however, have dismissed it saying that it could have been recorded anytime during the last 44 years."},{"id":600,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44wqky/a_koala_is_sitting_in_a_bar/","score":4479,"part1":"A Koala is sitting in a bar...","mature":true,"author":"IbSunPraisin","part2":"A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says   \"hey, you wanna get outta here?\"   \"Sure!\" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her hand and led her out of the bar.  The moment they get into her apartment he immediately pulls her skirt down and starts going down on her. After about 15 minutes the Koala gets up and starts walking around.   \"what are you doing?\" the woman asked.  \"Oh, I'm getting my stuff and going back to the bar\" the Koala replied.  \"You have to pay me first!\" the woman shouted.  \"What!? Why?\" the Koala asked.  \"Because I'm a prostitute!\" the woman said angrily.  \"What's a prostitute?\" he asked  The woman grabbed a dictionary from the bedside table and threw it at him. He opened it up and found the word:  Prostitute: A person who offers sexual activity in exchange for payment.  The Koala snapped the dictionary shut and angrily shouted  \"Well yeah bitch, I'm a Koala!\"  \"What the fuck is a Koala?!\" she barked  The Koala threw the dictionary back at her and she opened it up to the K section.  Koala: Eats bushes and leaves"},{"id":601,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l1vzm/heres_a_fedex_joke/","score":4481,"part1":"Here's a FedEx joke","mature":false,"author":"LucarioSkywalker","part2":"Actually, you'll get it tomorrow"},{"id":602,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33awrn/my_neighbour_owes_me_500_and_he_wont_pay_up/","score":4478,"part1":"My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...","mature":false,"author":"denni4f","part2":"A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up.  What should I do?’  ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.  ‘Nope,’ replied the man.  ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.  ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely.  That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’"},{"id":603,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4urg3l/chinese_takeout_1177_price_of_gas_to_get_there/","score":4474,"part1":"Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:","mature":false,"author":"TI86","part2":"Riceless  "},{"id":604,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fxhqt/i_hate_it_when_homeless_people_shake_their_change/","score":4460,"part1":"I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.","mature":false,"author":"thrusher","part2":"I get it, you have more money than me.  No need to be a dick about it."},{"id":605,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uyb83/if_men_call_short_women_petite_what_do_women_call/","score":4461,"part1":"If men call short women \"petite\", what do women call short men?","mature":false,"author":"Diogenes--","part2":"\"friends\""},{"id":606,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rslp6/i_havent_talked_to_my_wife_in_three_weeks/","score":4460,"part1":"I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.","mature":false,"author":"AnthonyBighead","part2":"I didn't want to interrupt her."},{"id":607,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48h1j2/did_you_hear_about_the_pessimist_who_hates_sausage/","score":4457,"part1":"Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?","mature":false,"author":"Mcfinley","part2":"They say he fears the wurst"},{"id":608,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ionxs/whats_the_difference_between_a_sniper_with_bad/","score":4459,"part1":"What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?","mature":false,"author":"upvotersfortruth","part2":"One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...  --------------------------------------------------------------------  "},{"id":609,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4daa7d/i_was_in_a_nearsex_experience/","score":4450,"part1":"I was in a near-sex experience.","mature":false,"author":"FancioPantsio","part2":"My wife flashed before my eyes."},{"id":610,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qdqvx/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_an_octopus_under_his/","score":4450,"part1":"A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm","mature":false,"author":"Timestogo","part2":"He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:  \"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it.\"      None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.       \"Can't you play the bagpipes?\" asked the man. \"Play it?\" said the octopus, \"I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.\""},{"id":611,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43jk9a/i_invented_a_new_word/","score":4442,"part1":"I invented a new word.","mature":false,"author":"Thisnickname","part2":"Plagiarism.  ---   EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you."},{"id":612,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c8pzv/wordplay_is_fun/","score":4440,"part1":"Wordplay is fun.","mature":true,"author":"anunnaturalselection","part2":"As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.  I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.  \"I really need a new fucking boat,\" I thought to myself."},{"id":613,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4x4wgj/so_i_was_at_my_bank_today/","score":4438,"part1":"So I was at my bank today.","mature":false,"author":"tramplers6","part2":"There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.   She asked the teller, \"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?\"  The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, \"Fluctuations.   The Asian lady says, \"Fluck you white people too!\""},{"id":614,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ru1dt/19_and_20_had_a_fight/","score":4446,"part1":"19 and 20 had a fight.","mature":false,"author":"Angry_Nutrition","part2":"21."},{"id":615,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j35xh/two_gay_men_are_travelling/","score":4439,"part1":"Two gay men are travelling...","mature":false,"author":"Zsolty0497","part2":"...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.  \"Dude, what if we had sex?\" asks Steve.  \"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it...\"  \"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!\"  Steve stands up and asks loudly:  \"Could I have a pencil, please?\"  Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.  \"They really wouldn't care then, would they?\" says Bill.  So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.  Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.  \"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!\"  \"I didn't dare\" whispers the old man. \"A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass...\""},{"id":616,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4df7mz/doctor_i_have_a_sexual_problem/","score":4439,"part1":"Doctor, I have a sexual problem.","mature":false,"author":"nejjjj","part2":"\"Doctor,\" the embarrassed man said, \"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.  \"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.\"  The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. \"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,\" the medic said. \"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.\"  The doctor took the husband aside. \"You're in perfect health,\" he said. \"Your wife didn't give me an erection either.\""},{"id":617,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m3nf1/a_boy_goes_into_confession/","score":4433,"part1":"A boy goes into confession...","mature":false,"author":"Jamiku","part2":"The boy tells the priest, \"Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl.\" \"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?\" \"Oh I can't say.\" \"Was it Mary Jane?\" \"No Father.\" \"Adalina Mozarelli?\" \"My lips are sealed.\" \"How about Cindy King\" \"I can never say.\" \"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?\" \"No.\" \"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!\" \"Father I will never tell you.\" \"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months.\" \"Ok, Father\" The boy leaves and his friend asks, \"So what'd you get?\" The boy responds, \"Five good leads, and a four month vacation!\""},{"id":618,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3i72st/satan_appeared_at_the_front_of_the_church/","score":4423,"part1":"Satan appeared at the front of the church","mature":false,"author":"bcrdi","part2":"A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.  Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.   So Satan walked up to the old man and said, \"Don't you know who I am?\" The man replied, \"Yep, sure do.\"  \"Aren't you afraid of me?\" Satan asked.  \"Nope, sure ain't,\" said the man.  \"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?\" asked Satan.  \"Don't doubt it for a minute,\" returned the old man, in an even tone.  \"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?\" persisted Satan.  \"Yep,\" was the calm reply.  \"And you're still not afraid?\" asked Satan.  \"Nope.\"  More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, \"Well, why aren't you afraid of me?\"  The man calmly replied, \"Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!.."},{"id":619,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tl99z/as_a_muslim_redditor_i_feel_disappointed/","score":4426,"part1":"As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...","mature":false,"author":"dzmania","part2":"That my posts never blows up.  Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.  Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!  Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jokes after all.   Edit 4: lmao this is Nagasaki all over again.   For those who want so bad to insult me, here is a little secret...I get insulted if you insult the basis and principles of my religion, and the stuff you guys mention are not included. So feel free to say anything guys. Sorry for ruining the joke with this edit.    ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯"},{"id":620,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kjdhi/a_man_was_caught_by_a_cop_with_drugs_in_the/","score":4420,"part1":"A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom","mature":false,"author":"coneballs15","part2":"The man says, \"I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!\"  \"I don't believe you,\" says the cop. \"Show me.\"  The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.  \"Well,\" says the cop, \"where are the drugs now?\"  \"What drugs?\""},{"id":621,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jwlxm/a_guy_walks_into_a_pub/","score":4425,"part1":"A guy walks into a pub...","mature":true,"author":"f1fan1","part2":"...And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. \"Can I help you?\" she asks. \"I was wondering,\" whispers the man. \"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?\" \"Yes,\" she purrs. \"I am.\" The man replies, \"Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.\""},{"id":622,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wpnme/george_bush_dies_and_goes_to_hell/","score":4424,"part1":"George Bush dies and goes to hell","mature":false,"author":"Zsolty0497","part2":"Satan is already waiting for him.  'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take.  'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush.  Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while.  'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.'  Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer.  'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.'  So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says:  'Ah, that I could endure!'  'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'"},{"id":623,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uyd9z/sex_ed_in_2015/","score":4423,"part1":"Sex Ed in 2015","mature":false,"author":"isthishandletaken","part2":"Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one \"D\" away from 'Netflix and Child.'"},{"id":624,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k5omn/dating_in_your_30s_is_like_looking_for_a_parking/","score":4421,"part1":"Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...","mature":false,"author":"Karma_Gardener","part2":"The good ones are all taken.  The rest are either handicapped or too far away."},{"id":625,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4efica/use_chemicals_to_remove_polish_and_no_one_bats_an/","score":4541,"part1":"Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye","mature":false,"author":"krispy05","part2":"Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler."},{"id":626,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3xej/fuck_cheesy_chatup_lines_we_need_better_breakup/","score":4545,"part1":"Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:","mature":false,"author":"trackpost","part2":"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.  Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?  I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.  You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!  I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig."},{"id":627,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2rbif4/yesterday_i_went_to_a_temporary_tattoo_parlour_to/","score":4541,"part1":"Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.","mature":false,"author":"-stillborn-","part2":"After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there."},{"id":628,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x71il/my_girlfriend_and_i_often_laugh_about_how/","score":4537,"part1":"My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are","mature":false,"author":"rock-the-kazbah","part2":"But I laugh more."},{"id":629,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lyk2f/i_asked_a_scottish_friend_of_mine_how_many_sexual/","score":4530,"part1":"I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.","mature":false,"author":"Grim---Ginger","part2":"He started counting but fell asleep.    "},{"id":630,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44n8ix/a_blonde_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_all_in_the/","score":4531,"part1":"A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?","mature":false,"author":"ProVipr","part2":"The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18."},{"id":631,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yj12r/a_jewish_businessman_in_brooklyn/","score":4520,"part1":"A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn","mature":false,"author":"dyslexic_act","part2":"A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. \r When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. \r The son said, \"Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity.\"\r \"Oh, my,\" said the father. What have I done?\" \r He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. \r Jake said, \"Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do.\" \r So they went to see the rabbi. \r The rabbi said, \"Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? \r The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. \r Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. \r The Voice said, \"Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...  "},{"id":632,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33j2c5/only_2010s_kids_will_get_this/","score":4519,"part1":"Only 2010's kids will get this...","mature":false,"author":"deepsoulfunk","part2":"Measles"},{"id":633,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4m9vxq/what_are_pornstars_paid/","score":4521,"part1":"What are pornstars paid?","mature":false,"author":"dubbywubbystep","part2":"Income."},{"id":634,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3j6iez/my_ex_wife_died_so_i_went_to_the_cemetery_and_to/","score":4520,"part1":"My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.","mature":false,"author":"TomTheNurse","part2":"But first I filtered it through my kidneys.   "},{"id":635,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2vrea5/wife_dreamed_that_she_was_attending_a_dick_auction/","score":4523,"part1":"Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...","mature":false,"author":"Zeolance","part2":"Wife : \"I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.\"  Husband : \"How about the ones like mine?\"  Wife : \"They gave those away.\"  Husband : \"I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.\"  Wife : \"And how much for the ones like mine?\"  Husband : \"That's where they held the auction.\""},{"id":636,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k0ws9/my_city_is_holding_their_annual_incest_competition/","score":4509,"part1":"My city is holding their annual incest competition...","mature":true,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"I've entered my sister..."},{"id":637,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gd05n/my_wife_doesnt_know_this_but_i_put_a_dollar_in_an/","score":4515,"part1":"My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.","mature":false,"author":"Oda_nicullah","part2":"So far she's getting a McChicken."},{"id":638,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcmyl/since_it_started_raining_all_my_wife_has_done_is/","score":4506,"part1":"Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in..."},{"id":639,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4blcik/i_lost_my_job_at_the_bank_on_my_very_first_day/","score":4496,"part1":"I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.","mature":false,"author":"homevp","part2":"A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over."},{"id":640,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/367pl1/my_neighbors_listen_to_awesome_music/","score":4493,"part1":"My neighbors listen to awesome music","mature":false,"author":"OnePunkArmy","part2":"whether they like it or not."},{"id":641,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/355sab/paddy_had_been_drinking/","score":4494,"part1":"Paddy had been drinking","mature":false,"author":"tomjones93","part2":"Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says \"You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy\" Paddy replies \"OK Mick, I'll be on me way then.\" Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. \"Shoite\" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. \"Shoite, Shoite!\" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. \"Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked,\" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says \"No way!\" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says \"If i can just make it to me bed.\" He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says \"to hell with it\" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, \"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?\". Paddy says, \"I did Jess. I was tanked' pissed. But how'd you know?\" \"Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the pub.\""},{"id":642,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3l5l19/a_politician_dies/","score":4496,"part1":"A politician dies...","mature":false,"author":"salientlife93","part2":"And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.  \"So, you're a politician...\" \"Well, yes, is that a problem?\" \"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!\"  \"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??\" says the politician. \"Them's the rules\" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?  \"Open your eyes!\" says a voice. \"C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!\". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. \"Who are you??\" The politician asks. \"Well, I'm Satan!\" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. \"Welcome to Hell!\" \"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?\" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. \"Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside...\" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. \"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!\" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. \"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?\" \"No sir!\" says the man. \"So then\" says St Peter \"you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on\". \"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell\" says the politician. \"Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!\" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.  The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. \"What's this??\" He cries. \"Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???\"  \"Ah\", says Satan. \"You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted...\""},{"id":643,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gjaif/a_young_man_goes_into_a_drugstore_to_buy_condoms/","score":4493,"part1":"A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.","mature":false,"author":"Itsremon","part2":"The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.  \"Well,\" he said, \"I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's \"the\" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.\"  The young man makes his purchase and leaves.  Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.   The girl leans over and says, \"You never told me that you were such a religious person.\" He leans over to her and whispers, \"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.\"  "},{"id":644,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2uz1lx/i_need_you_to_masturbate/","score":4480,"part1":"I need you to masturbate.","mature":true,"author":"groot_almighty","part2":"Employee : Sir, you called me?  Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.  Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?   Boss : Do it again.   Employee : (after a few minutes)  Done again, sir. Anything else?   Boss : Do it once more.   Employee : I'm really sorry sir,  but I don't have any stamina left now.  I can't do it anymore.   Boss : Very good, here are my car  keys, drop my daughter home."},{"id":645,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t06w4/so_anonymous_has_declared_war_on_isis/","score":4492,"part1":"So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS","mature":false,"author":"jazpah84","part2":"... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists  "},{"id":646,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4osu4v/ive_just_been_fired_from_the_clock_making_factory/","score":4482,"part1":"I've just been fired from the clock making factory","mature":false,"author":"a_posh_trophy","part2":"after all those extra hours I put in."},{"id":647,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47dyrp/didnt_i/","score":4488,"part1":"Didn't I???","mature":false,"author":"CIsSharp","part2":"A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:   HUSBAND WANTED!  MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),  MUST NOT BEAT ME,  MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,  AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!  ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.   On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, \"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!\" The old man smiled, \"Therefore I cannot run around on you!\"   She snorted. \"You don't have any hands either!\" Again the old man smiled, \"Nor can I beat you!\"   She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. \"Are you still good in bed?\" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, \"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?\""},{"id":648,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u8yg1/i_dont_know_what_the_big_deal_is_about_black/","score":4481,"part1":"I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.","mature":false,"author":"LiveFromJupiter","part2":"."},{"id":649,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2n623h/during_my_prostate_exam_i_asked_the_doctor_where/","score":4476,"part1":"During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, \"where should I put my pants\"?","mature":false,"author":"-stillborn-","part2":"\"Over there by mine\", was not the answer I was expecting."},{"id":650,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47icdf/dont_make_fun_of_fat_people_with_lisps/","score":4009,"part1":"Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...","mature":false,"author":"IrreleventGuy1018","part2":"They're thick and tired of it"},{"id":651,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36tkvd/how_many_dyslexics_does_it_change_to_take_a_light/","score":4014,"part1":"How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?","mature":false,"author":"Flanktotheright","part2":""},{"id":652,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgzmn/how_many_screws_hold_together_a_lesbians_bed/","score":4006,"part1":"how many screws hold together a lesbians bed?","mature":false,"author":"itsblenkinsopp","part2":"None it's all tongue and groove"},{"id":653,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38igzv/a_blond_guy_gets_home_early_from_work_and_hears/","score":4011,"part1":"A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.  \"What's up?\" he says.  \"I'm having a heart attack,\" cries the woman.  He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, \"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!\"  The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.  \"You rotten bastard,\" says the husband. \"My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!\""},{"id":654,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3dkaos/i_celebrate_420_on_january_5th/","score":4006,"part1":"I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...","mature":false,"author":"x_stranger","part2":"Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons."},{"id":655,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mgpy7/moses_was_the_first_person_to_use_controlc_as_a/","score":4006,"part1":"Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut","mature":false,"author":"T0xicBanana","part2":""},{"id":656,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsngq/the_jewish_elbow/","score":4002,"part1":"The Jewish Elbow","mature":false,"author":"weaverl47","part2":"A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.     \"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.  I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.\"    \"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”      \"What...you coming empty handed?\""},{"id":657,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ceost/a_policeman_searched_me_in_a_nightclub_toilet/","score":4001,"part1":"A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.","mature":false,"author":"rohan8100","part2":"\"It's not my fault,\" I said, \"every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.\"  \"Do you really expect me to believe that?\" he laughed.  I said, \"I can prove it to you if you want me to.\"  \"Go on then.\" he smiled, handing me the bag.  After flushing them down toilet, he looked at me with a grin and said, \"Well, show me your pocket then!\"  \"What for?\" I asked.  He said, \"The drugs.\"  I said, \"What drugs?\""},{"id":658,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j228c/my_dad_a_vietnam_veteran_told_me_that_theres_one/","score":4003,"part1":"My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.","mature":false,"author":"Aluk123","part2":"Napalm"},{"id":659,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eiwtz/i_painted_my_computer_black_so_it_would_run_faster/","score":3997,"part1":"I painted my computer black so it would run faster.","mature":false,"author":"ShiningConcepts","part2":"Now it doesn't work.  Then I painted my computer white so it would work.  Now the whole system is corrupt."},{"id":660,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3atnbe/trumpets_and_guns/","score":4003,"part1":"Trumpets and Guns","mature":false,"author":"ntmyrealacct","part2":"In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.  One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, \"So how is your strange business going?\"  \"What do you mean strange?\"  \"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!\"  \"So?\"  \"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?\"  \"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun.\""},{"id":661,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4278he/my_password_is_pussy/","score":4005,"part1":"My password is pussy","mature":true,"author":"ronardo1","part2":"Because most hackers don't get it"},{"id":662,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4pqu2j/the_united_states_and_britain_are_having_a/","score":3989,"part1":"The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.","mature":true,"author":"queenchrom","part2":"Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card."},{"id":663,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e62ah/i_was_raped_by_a_group_of_mimes/","score":3991,"part1":"I was raped by a group of mimes","mature":false,"author":"Professorsloth64","part2":"They did unspeakable things to me"},{"id":664,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2iouap/why_was_han_solo_so_suspicious_when_he_put_his/","score":3994,"part1":"Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?","mature":false,"author":"A-D-A-M_","part2":"...it was Luke warm."},{"id":665,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uwrvp/a_teacher_calls_her_first_grade_class/","score":3987,"part1":"A teacher calls her first grade class","mature":false,"author":"insolent_swine","part2":"from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, \"Sally, what did you do at recess?\" \"I played in the sand box.\" \"Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie.\" So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. \"Billy, what did you do at recess?\" \"I played in the sand box with Sally.\" \"Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie.\" So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. \"Mohammed, what did you do at recess?\" \"Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!\" \"Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie.\""},{"id":666,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gqtpz/if_a_single_stick_is_called_a_fag_and_a_bundle_of/","score":3979,"part1":"If a single stick is called a \"fag\", and a bundle of \"fags\" is called a \"faggot\", then what do you call a group of \"faggots\"?","mature":true,"author":"boredinwisc","part2":"A \"subreddit\""},{"id":667,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4763gn/yesterday_i_saw_an_ad_that_said_radio_for_sale_1/","score":3984,"part1":"Yesterday I saw an ad that said \"radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full\"","mature":false,"author":"FastMazader","part2":"I thought, \"I can't turn that down\""},{"id":668,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41bt0o/boy_walks_in_on_his_parents_going_at_it/","score":3984,"part1":"Boy walks in on his parents going at it...","mature":true,"author":"jacket1515","part2":"Father turns around, smiles, and winks.  Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall.  Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed.  \"What the hell do you think you're doing?\" says Father.  Boy smiles, winks, and says \"not so funny when it's your mom, is it?\""},{"id":669,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nfxlx/a_teacher_asks_the_students/","score":3980,"part1":"A Teacher asks the students..","mature":false,"author":"Superbat898","part2":"\"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?\"  Nobody is able to answer  Teacher: \"You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer.\"  The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.  Teacher: \"Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple.\"  *Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils.*  Teacher: \"See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer.\"  The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, \"Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?\"  Teacher: \"No, that's impossible.\"  Students: \"It is possible, my father said.\"  Teacher : \"How?\"  Student: \"Take a flute and shove it up your ass.\""},{"id":670,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ao7tj/a_man_wakes_up_one_morning_to_find_a_gorilla_on/","score":3976,"part1":"A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for \"Gorilla Removers\". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he\"ll be there in 30 minutes.  The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.  \"What are you going to do?\", the homeowner asks.  \"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.\", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.  \"What's the shotgun for?\", asks the homeowner.  \"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.\""},{"id":671,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kjmcq/maid_wanted_a_salary_raise/","score":3971,"part1":"Maid wanted a salary raise...","mature":false,"author":"bankerman","part2":"Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise  Maid: I can cook better than you.  Madam: Who told you that?  Maid: Your husband told me!  Madam: Ok, second reason.  Maid: I can iron better than you.  Madam: Who told you that?  Maid: Your husband told me!  Madam: Ok, and the third reason?  Maid: I am better in bed than you.   Madam's face swelled with rage.  Madam: Did my husband say that?!  Maid: No the driver told me.  Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?"},{"id":672,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40mw4n/i_had_to_take_the_batteries_out_of_the_carbon/","score":3976,"part1":"I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.","mature":false,"author":"spdrman8","part2":"The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.  [FRONT PAGE!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/FGmbEOTVWQHzW/200_s.gif)"},{"id":673,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wruv2/the_irish_prostitue/","score":3976,"part1":"The Irish Prostitue","mature":false,"author":"Dunksterp","part2":"An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.  'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'  The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'  'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'  'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'  'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.  Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'  'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!"},{"id":674,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2jsc6l/newfie_hooker/","score":3969,"part1":"Newfie Hooker","mature":false,"author":"Asera","part2":"A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the Shadows.  \"Twenty dollars\" she whispers.  Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.  They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.  \"What's going on here, people?\" asks the officer.  \"I's makin' love to me wife!\", the Newfoundlander answers, annoyed.  \"Oh! I'm sorry\", says the cop. \"I didn't know.\"  \"Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in 'er face!\""},{"id":675,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ov2lr/what_do_gay_horses_eat/","score":3406,"part1":"What do gay horses eat?","mature":false,"author":"Meatwise","part2":"Horse dick"},{"id":676,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/485ywf/what_do_a_thong_and_donald_trumps_toupee_have_in/","score":3407,"part1":"What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?","mature":false,"author":"lostmatthew","part2":"They both barely cover an asshole."},{"id":677,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3r2pzf/why_was_the_piano_teacher_arrested/","score":3400,"part1":"Why was the piano teacher arrested?","mature":false,"author":"Y1bollus","part2":"He kept fingering A minor."},{"id":678,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3am5z0/what_do_you_call_crystal_clear_urine/","score":3405,"part1":"What do you call crystal clear urine?","mature":false,"author":"Not_BruceWayne","part2":"1080pee"},{"id":679,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2q7fb1/multilevel_meta_joke/","score":3396,"part1":"Multi-level Meta Joke","mature":false,"author":"davelebies","part2":"A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says \"I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke.\" So the guy says \"A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says \"I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke.\" So the guy says \"A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says \"I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke.\" So the guy says \"What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man.\" So the bartender gives him a free beer.\" So the bartender gives him a free beer.\" So the bartender gives him a free beer."},{"id":680,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w87hf/what_is_the_only_reason_donald_trump_is_watching/","score":3399,"part1":"What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?","mature":false,"author":"jagershotzz","part2":"So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump."},{"id":681,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n7vdt/a_feminist_and_a_muslim_walk_into_a_bar/","score":3401,"part1":"A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.","mature":false,"author":"Darkl3eing","part2":"- comedy removed due to complaints -"},{"id":682,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3583rk/a_piano_player_walks_into_a_bar/","score":3398,"part1":"A piano player walks into a bar...","mature":true,"author":"jmmyt3","part2":"A piano player walks into a bar and says to the manager \"I saw your sign 'Piano player needed' and I'm your man, I write all my own material.\" \"Play me a tune.\" said the manager. The piano player's song was so catchy that it had the manager stomping his feet. \"That was great!\" the manager said, \"What do you call that one?\" \"I call it 'Your Sister is a Dirty Fucking Whore!'\" said the piano player. \"Well\" said the manager \"that's an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one.\" The piano player's song was so beautiful that it brought tears to the manager's eyes . \"Now, what do you call this one?\" said the manager. \"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed.'\" said the piano player. The manager replied, \"Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but don't mention the names of your songs to any of the patrons, okay?\" The piano player agreed. That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When he could finally take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss. In his rush to get back, he forgot to zip his pants up. As he made his way back to the piano, one of the patrons stopped him and said, \"Do you know your fucking dick is hanging out of your pants?\" The piano player exclaimed \"Know it?! I wrote it!\""},{"id":683,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2vf7dm/where_does_a_dog_go_when_he_loses_his_tail/","score":3394,"part1":"Where does a dog go when he loses his tail","mature":false,"author":"Zeolance","part2":"a retail store"},{"id":684,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gb3ls/nsfw_ive_been_1_week_in_college_and_already_had/","score":3383,"part1":"[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.","mature":true,"author":"day-mian","part2":"5x0=0"},{"id":685,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/251l1e/a_little_girl_asks_her_grandad/","score":3385,"part1":"A little girl asks her grandad...","mature":false,"author":"splashy97","part2":"\"Would you make a frog noise for me?\" The grandad, confused asks, \"why?\" The little girl replies, \"dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland\"."},{"id":686,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/11kale/an_englishman_a_frenchman_a_ravishing_blonde_and/","score":3382,"part1":"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...","mature":false,"author":"mechalex","part2":"...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.  The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'  The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'  The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'  The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'"},{"id":687,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30eh4t/i_was_in_bed_last_night_with_my_wife/","score":3376,"part1":"I was in bed last night with my wife...","mature":false,"author":"Gastlyguy","part2":"I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says \"If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse.\" I should have waited for the bulb to cool down."},{"id":688,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rzv9b/why_wont_isis_bomb_my_local_walmart/","score":3371,"part1":"Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?","mature":false,"author":"Tasryll","part2":"...because its not a Target."},{"id":689,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sgnkd/im_not_sure_churches_are_the_best_places_for/","score":3376,"part1":"I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...","mature":false,"author":"everyonelovesCAQUE","part2":"a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke  "},{"id":690,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ru882/my_cocaine_is_so_white/","score":3376,"part1":"My Cocaine Is So White","mature":false,"author":"Minotauring","part2":"Police Let It Go With A Warning"},{"id":691,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30jz4u/i_was_in_the_pub_last_night_when_the_barman_asked/","score":3374,"part1":"I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, \"How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?\"","mature":false,"author":"eninc","part2":"I asked him, \"Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?\"  \"Bloody hell! No!\" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.  \"Well, neither would Pete,\""},{"id":692,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/36vhuj/i_met_a_14_year_old_girl_on_the_internet/","score":3365,"part1":"I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.","mature":false,"author":"life_love_regret","part2":"She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.   She turned out to be an undercover detective.   How cool is that at her age?!"},{"id":693,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2zougu/put_the_punchline_in_the_title/","score":3371,"part1":"Put the punchline in the title.","mature":false,"author":"Moore1994","part2":"How do you ruin a joke?"},{"id":694,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2c5me8/lpt_how_to_pick_up_girls/","score":3359,"part1":"LPT: How to pick up girls","mature":false,"author":"SteepLikeAMountain","part2":"Try this:   1. Acquire several dozen limes. 1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes. 1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better. 1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes). 1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish. 1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, \"Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes.\""},{"id":695,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c8rix/what_do_you_call_a_blonde_who_dyes_her_hair/","score":3362,"part1":"What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?","mature":false,"author":"agenthl","part2":"Artificial intelligence  *"},{"id":696,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ai1x4/an_irishman_walks_out_of_a_bar/","score":3360,"part1":"An Irishman walks out of a bar","mature":false,"author":"Zacharifffic","part2":""},{"id":697,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2vmxvc/burglars_are_getting_very_clever_these_days/","score":3362,"part1":"Burglars are getting very clever these days..","mature":false,"author":"GaryYesterday","part2":"Last night, my wife woke me up..  *Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*  So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.  Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone."},{"id":698,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/387r7w/you_know_if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone/","score":3356,"part1":"You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks...","mature":false,"author":"Karloio","part2":"Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined."},{"id":699,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2h8pwu/a_police_officer_pulls_over_a_speeding_car/","score":3359,"part1":"A police officer pulls over a speeding car..","mature":false,"author":"L_xo","part2":"A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, *‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’*    The driver says, *‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100,  perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’*    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, *‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’*    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, *‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’*    The wife smiles demurely and says, *‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’*    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, *‘F**k it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’*    The officer frowns and says, *‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’*    The driver says, *‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.*’    The wife says, *‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’*    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, *‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the f**k up?*    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, *‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’*    The Wife replies, *‘Only when he’s drunk.’*"},{"id":700,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n9jmm/in_my_spare_time_i_help_blind_children/","score":5045,"part1":"In my spare time I help blind children.","mature":false,"author":"goplayer7","part2":"I mean the verb, not the adjective."},{"id":701,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4nuftd/til_in_1974_russians_accidentally_blew_up_their/","score":5038,"part1":"TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy","mature":false,"author":"ChazDoge","part2":"Oops, wrong sub"},{"id":702,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4gk79i/my_girlfriend_says_im_hopeless_at_fixing/","score":5040,"part1":"My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.","mature":false,"author":"lacan123","part2":"Well she’s in for a shock."},{"id":703,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4alzxr/a_13_year_old_boy_has_difficulty_with_mathematics/","score":5040,"part1":"A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.","mature":false,"author":"Vessix","part2":"His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded  \"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!\""},{"id":704,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fmwyi/john_wins_best_toast_of_the_night/","score":5036,"part1":"John wins best toast of the night","mature":false,"author":"n_noto","part2":"John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!\" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, \"I won the prize for the best toast of the night.\"  She said, \"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?\" John said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.\" \"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!\" Mary said.  The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, \"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.\"  She said, \"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.\""},{"id":705,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jowui/a_housewife_takes_a_lover_during_the_day_while/","score":5033,"part1":"A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.","mature":false,"author":"Yrupunishingme","part2":"Boy: \"Dark in here.\"   Man: \"Yes it is.\"   Boy: \"I have a baseball.\"   Man: \"That's nice.\"   Boy: \"Want to buy it?\"   Man: \"No, thanks.\"   Boy: \"That's my dad outside.\"   Man: \"How much did you say the baseball was again?\"   Boy: \"$250.\"    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.   Boy: \"Dark in here.\"   Man: \"Yes, it is.\"   Boy: \"I have a baseball glove.\"   Man: \"That's nice.\"   Boy: \"Want to buy it?\"   Man: \"No, thanks.\"   Boy: \"I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.\"   Man: \"How much did you say the glove was again?\"   Boy: \"$750.\"   Man: \"Fine.\"    A few days later, the father says to the boy, \"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!\"   The boy says, \"I can't. I sold them.\"   The father asks, \"How much did you sell them for?\"   The son says, \"$1,000.\"   The father says, \"It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.\"    They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.   The boy says, \"Dark in here.\"   The priest says, \"Don't start that shit again.\""},{"id":706,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2sup5s/a_fifteen_year_old_amish_boy_and_his_father_were/","score":5026,"part1":"A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall","mature":false,"author":"anon108","part2":"They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.  The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'  While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.   Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....  'Go get your Mother.'"},{"id":707,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4y4qij/i_was_watching_porn_with_the_missus_and_she/","score":5017,"part1":"I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, \"This is so unrealistic.\"","mature":true,"author":"MasterBet","part2":"I said, \"Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid.\"  \"Not that,\" she explained, \"It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.\""},{"id":708,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m2m1g/why_was_the_little_ink_drop_crying/","score":5014,"part1":"Why was the little ink drop crying?","mature":false,"author":"supermike78","part2":"His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.  "},{"id":709,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47bmfr/silent_farts_that_dont_stink/","score":5013,"part1":"\"Silent farts that don't stink...\"","mature":false,"author":"sassz","part2":"An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.   \"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!\"   The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.    Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.   \"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!\"   Doctor replies, \"Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing...\""},{"id":710,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sg7yg/mom_son_why_dont_you_talk_to_mark_anymore_you/","score":5007,"part1":"Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic? Mom: Of course not. Son: Well neither would he."},{"id":711,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2wzprf/a_married_man_was_having_an_affair_with_his/","score":5008,"part1":"A married man was having an affair with his secretary","mature":false,"author":"Win_nerworld","part2":"One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house.  Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.  \"Where have you been?\" demanded his wife when he entered the house. \"Darling,\" replied the man, \"I can't lie to you.  I've been having an affair with my secretary.  I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.\" The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, \"You liar! You've been playing golf!\""},{"id":712,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lnm2l/i_had_to_remove_the_battery_from_my_carbon/","score":5008,"part1":"I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.","mature":false,"author":"computerguy0-0","part2":"The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick."},{"id":713,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lklsg/my_wife_left_me_for_an_indian_guy/","score":5002,"part1":"My wife left me for an Indian guy","mature":false,"author":"PM_ME_PICS_OF_YER_MA","part2":"I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows."},{"id":714,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43x82y/9_out_of_10_doctors_reccommend_for_children_to/","score":5003,"part1":"9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda","mature":false,"author":"thisisnotathrowa","part2":"that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan"},{"id":715,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p5en9/what_do_we_want/","score":5007,"part1":"WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!","mature":false,"author":"DjMcKnasty","part2":"WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?  LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!  WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?  *NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*  "},{"id":716,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2pzjyg/a_joke_about_kim_jong_un/","score":4979,"part1":"A Joke About Kim Jong Un","mature":false,"author":"mdesmond17","part2":"[removed]"},{"id":717,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jmi2a/police_are_like_a_box_of_chocolates/","score":4980,"part1":"Police are like a box of chocolates....","mature":false,"author":"Trevlad33","part2":"They'll kill your dog."},{"id":718,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xbp58/til_that_they_have_raised_the_minimum_drinking/","score":4977,"part1":"TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.","mature":false,"author":"municy","part2":"It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools."},{"id":719,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30p0uc/a_blonde_woman_asks_for_a_5000_loan/","score":4977,"part1":"A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan","mature":false,"author":"zidane03","part2":"A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.  The banker asks, \"Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?\"  The woman says, \"Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce.\"  The banker, stunned, asks, \"A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?\"  The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.  They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.  When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.  The loan officer says, \"Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.  Why would you want to borrow $5,000?\"  The woman replies,  \"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?\""},{"id":720,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32vfr6/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_time_someone_over_40/","score":4978,"part1":"If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...","mature":false,"author":"aali4356","part2":"Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined."},{"id":721,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ys0xp/i_bought_my_friend_an_elephant_for_their_room/","score":4959,"part1":"I bought my friend an elephant for their room.","mature":false,"author":"theseren","part2":"They said thank you. I said don't mention it."},{"id":722,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vf4y0/a_man_saw_a_lady_with_big_breasts_he_asked_excuse/","score":4957,"part1":"A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, \"Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?\" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse.","mature":false,"author":"tonny87","part2":"A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, \"Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?\" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.\" Eventually the lady asks, \"Aren't you gonna bite them?\" He replies, \"No, it's too expensive.\""},{"id":723,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g8snq/a_waiter_walks_up_to_a_table_full_of_jewish_women/","score":4960,"part1":"A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining","mature":false,"author":"Stern3657","part2":"And says \"ladies, is anything ok?\""},{"id":724,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cak7q/what_rock_group_has_four_men_that_dont_sing/","score":4959,"part1":"What rock group has four men that don't sing?","mature":false,"author":"TSauer55","part2":"Mount Rushmore"},{"id":725,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4bwui4/jesus_and_his_disciples_walk_into_a_restaurant/","score":4309,"part1":"Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.","mature":false,"author":"beenthereonce2","part2":"Jesus: A table for 26, please.  Headwaiter:  But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.  Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."},{"id":726,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r9yei/my_top_3_assumptions_when_doorbell_rings/","score":4306,"part1":"My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:","mature":false,"author":"Johnnyb119","part2":"1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking"},{"id":727,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39uv7j/an_engineer_dies_and_is_sent_to_hell/","score":4304,"part1":"An engineer dies and is sent to hell","mature":false,"author":"redmatter74","part2":"He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.  One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?  The Devil says, \"Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.\"  \"What?\" says God. \"An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.\"  The Devil responds, \"No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.\"  God demands, \"If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!\"  The Devil laughs. \"Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\""},{"id":728,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46kua4/i_was_at_my_bank_today_and_there_was_just_an/","score":4293,"part1":"I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me","mature":false,"author":"lord_voldything","part2":"who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, \"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?\" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, \"Fluctuations.\" The Asian lady says, \"Fluc you white people too!!\""},{"id":729,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ryl97/son_i_dont_think_youre_cut_out_to_be_a_mime/","score":4298,"part1":"\"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime.\"","mature":false,"author":"AutomaticButt","part2":"\"Was it something I said?\" Asks the son.  \"Yes.\""},{"id":730,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38d1if/my_poor_knowledge_of_greek_mythology_has_always/","score":4299,"part1":"My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow","mature":false,"author":"funkymonkey1995","part2":""},{"id":731,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4utloj/bill_clinton_likes_to_go_for_a_walk_every/","score":4301,"part1":"Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...","mature":false,"author":"awesomeness243","part2":"One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,  \"Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!\"   He responded by saying \"How's about 5 dollars?\", jokingly, and kept walking.  This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them,  \"So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?\""},{"id":732,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43dwjg/9_out_of_10_americans_are_stupid/","score":4293,"part1":"9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...","mature":false,"author":"Always_Shy","part2":"I'm so glad I'm in the 1%."},{"id":733,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3odlum/today_a_girl_kissed_me/","score":4290,"part1":"Today a girl kissed me","mature":false,"author":"Only_if_you_want","part2":"I wish I could post it in another subreddit  "},{"id":734,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49a46w/no_matter_how_kind_you_are/","score":4294,"part1":"No matter how kind you are...","mature":false,"author":"jxf","part2":"No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder."},{"id":735,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xwv9r/the_cast_of_star_wars_vii_just_finished_their/","score":4290,"part1":"The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)","mature":false,"author":"davecm010","part2":"Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said \"Can I have a word?\""},{"id":736,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ikqzj/warning_game_of_thrones_spoilers/","score":4294,"part1":"Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers","mature":false,"author":"TSMemer","part2":"Will make your car look fucking stupid"},{"id":737,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hsj3y/one_mans_trash_is_another_mans_treasure_is_a/","score":4287,"part1":"\"One mans trash is another mans treasure\" is a great quote but,","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted."},{"id":738,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4azpv2/half_of_men_in_america_watch_porn_everyday/","score":4291,"part1":"Half of men in America watch porn everyday.","mature":false,"author":"thekittycommander","part2":"The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.  *Thanks for the gold kind stranger."},{"id":739,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vvaie/whats_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/","score":4287,"part1":"What's a pirate's least favorite letter?","mature":false,"author":"pnvv","part2":"Dear sir,  Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.  Sincerely, your service provider."},{"id":740,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bbsuh/one_day_a_guy_dies_and_finds_himself_in_hell/","score":4291,"part1":"One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.","mature":false,"author":"comickeys","part2":"One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.   As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...  Satan: \"Why so glum?\"  Guy: \"What do you think? I'm in hell!\"  Satan: \"Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?\"  Guy: \"Sure, I love to drink.\"  Satan: \"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.\"  Guy: \"Gee that sounds great!\"  Satan: \"You a smoker?\"  Guy: \"You better believe it!\"  Satan: \"All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?\"  Guy: \"Wow...that's awesome!\"  Satan: \"I bet you like to gamble.\"  Guy: \"Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.\"  Satan: \"Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.\"  Guy: \"Cool!\"  Satan: \"What about Drugs?\"  Guy: \"Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?\"  Satan: \"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.\"  Guy: \"Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!\"  Satan: \"You gay?\"  Guy: \"No...\"  Satan: \"Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...\""},{"id":741,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49o14n/i_hate_it_when_engineering_students_refer_to/","score":4284,"part1":"I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...","mature":false,"author":"richwithoutmoney","part2":"Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed."},{"id":742,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4a3qlp/they_used_to_laugh_when_i_said_i_wanted_to_be_a/","score":4277,"part1":"They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.","mature":false,"author":"Dametualma","part2":"Well they're not laughing now!"},{"id":743,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/440nu1/why_is_bernie_sanders_challenging_his_49_vs_50/","score":4272,"part1":"Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?","mature":false,"author":"solo_dol0","part2":"I thought he didn't care about the 1%"},{"id":744,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2dpuyb/this_is_probably_the_best_joke_that_i_a_dad_have/","score":4293,"part1":"This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with","mature":false,"author":"RipKipley","part2":"I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.  I told her to sleep on it."},{"id":745,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2z45me/so_the_belgians_are_pissed/","score":4268,"part1":"So the Belgians are pissed...","mature":false,"author":"lelouch_vi_brit","part2":"The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; \"meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara\". The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert.   They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem:\"Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge.  King Willem responds: \"We can't, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish.\""},{"id":746,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v5iez/what_do_you_call_cows_that_have_a_sense_of_humor/","score":4261,"part1":"What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?","mature":false,"author":"Hank_The_Cat","part2":"Laughing stock."},{"id":747,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3posdh/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_yesterday/","score":4273,"part1":"I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1."},{"id":748,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h6uw6/nsfwslightly_offensive_what_is_the_best_thing/","score":4267,"part1":"[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?","mature":true,"author":"EVE_Zulrah","part2":"Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.  *This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*   "},{"id":749,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cgs07/ive_finally_stopped_drinking_for_good/","score":4263,"part1":"I've finally stopped drinking for good.","mature":false,"author":"bali727","part2":"Now I drink for evil  "},{"id":750,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/13xy5i/a_koala_was_sitting_in_a_tree_smoking_a_joint/","score":3438,"part1":"A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...","mature":false,"author":"ThatGuyYouKilled","part2":"when a lizard walks up and says \"Hey koala what are you doing?\"  The koala answers \"Smoking a joint, come up and have some.\"  The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.  The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, \"What's wrong with you, lizard?\"  The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.  The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says \"Hey, you.\"  The koala looks down and says \"Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?\""},{"id":751,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xo833/two_assholes/","score":3441,"part1":"Two Assholes","mature":false,"author":"Cherri2000","part2":"Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.  The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.  The three men had always done everything together.  Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,  Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'  The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'  The mortician thought this was rather strange.  So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.  Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.  Roll him over.'  The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '  The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'  Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'  'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.  'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:  'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'"},{"id":752,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38m3yx/two_men_want_to_get_drunk/","score":3439,"part1":"Two men want to get drunk...","mature":false,"author":"ACommonUsername","part2":"But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, \"I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami.\" The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and before they can pay their tab the first guy places the salami between his legs and says, \"Here, suck on the salami and they'll kick us out before we even pay!\" The friend complies and sure enough the two guys are kicked out the bar. They laugh and celebrate, the plan was a success! So they continue this routine to one bar, then another, and another. Each time they were required to pay the tab the first friend took out the salami and the second bobbed his head on it. Immediately getting them removed from the bars premises. After the last bar hopping the second friend became hungry and said, \"Aw man, all these beers have me starving. Where is that salami I want to eat?\" The first friend says, \"I don't know man, I lost it after the first bar.\""},{"id":753,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4st06u/my_gf_is_like_the_square_root_of_negative_one/","score":3439,"part1":"My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred","mature":false,"author":"eyevind","part2":"She's a perfect ten but imaginary"},{"id":754,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/312p64/its_a_healthy_relationship/","score":3432,"part1":"It's a healthy relationship","mature":false,"author":"13beans","part2":"My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.  \"Really!\" I exclaimed.  \"No,\" She said, \"April Foogargagggrraggggle.\"  That'll teach her to try and be funny..."},{"id":755,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3cxrqg/small_head/","score":3435,"part1":"Small Head","mature":false,"author":"dante867","part2":"A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, \"Why is your head so small?\" He replies, \"I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, \"Would a little head be out of the question?\""},{"id":756,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fwnjx/when_is_my_wifes_favorite_day_to_make_love/","score":3436,"part1":"When is my wife's favorite day to make love?","mature":false,"author":"Kinkin50","part2":"Tomorrow"},{"id":757,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41xzn8/what_is_the_similarity_between_a_pussy_and_the/","score":3436,"part1":"What is the similarity between a pussy and the mafia?","mature":false,"author":"reluctant_pickachu","part2":"One slip of the tounge and you're in deep shit."},{"id":758,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jrcuw/two_couples_were_playing_cards_john_accidentally/","score":3438,"part1":"Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....","mature":false,"author":"YaarPunjabi","part2":"Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.  Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, \"Did you see anything that you liked under there?\"  John admitted that, well, yes he did.  She said \"You can have it, but it will cost you $100.\"  After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday.  Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.  Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, \"Did John come by this afternoon?\"  Reluctantly, she replied, \"Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.\"  Next Bill asked, \"Did John give you $100?\"  She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, \"Yes, he did give me $100.\"  \"Good,\" Bill says. \"John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."},{"id":759,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3n0ivm/yo_momma_is_so_fat/","score":3427,"part1":"Yo momma is so fat ...","mature":false,"author":"9_Taurus","part2":"She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars."},{"id":760,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rwf38/bruce_willis_went_shopping/","score":3429,"part1":"Bruce Willis went shopping...","mature":true,"author":"Antihistamine","part2":"...and he overheard a fellow customer say, \"Yipee-ki-yay!\" Without thinking he yelled out, \"Motherfucker!\"  Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.  He looked at the crowd of people and said, \"Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard.\""},{"id":761,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r1wee/if_you_watch_an_apple_store_get_robbed/","score":3424,"part1":"If you watch an Apple store get robbed,","mature":false,"author":"funnyman850","part2":"Does that make you an iWitness?"},{"id":762,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jbnxw/i_tried_being_polite_by_holding_the_door_open_for/","score":3425,"part1":"I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady","mature":false,"author":"BigRisch","part2":"She kept yelling, \"I'm peeing in here!\"  What a bitch."},{"id":763,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/46evbm/a_man_is_passing_through_a_small_town_and_sees_a/","score":3432,"part1":"A man is passing through a small town and sees a horse tied up in front of a bar","mature":false,"author":"Plz_Dont_Gild_Me","part2":"There's a sign next to the horse that says \"Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night\"  The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.   The horse bursts out laughing.   The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.   The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.   On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads \"Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights.\"   Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.  The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.   After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says \"look, I'm losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it.\"  The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, \"Last week, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, i proved it.\""},{"id":764,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aa273/my_joke_was_removed_for_comparing_trump_to_hitler/","score":3416,"part1":"My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler","mature":false,"author":"JoelMahon","part2":"Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.  "},{"id":765,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1zu4rp/my_doctor_said_if_i_get_1000_upvotes_he_will/","score":3425,"part1":"My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!","mature":false,"author":"crobby50","part2":"Upvote for visibility."},{"id":766,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2vthl7/a_redditor_walks_into_reddit_restaurant/","score":3424,"part1":"A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant...","mature":false,"author":"alicevirgo","part2":"All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute."},{"id":767,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/385rh3/so_i_was_at_the_bar_the_other_day/","score":3423,"part1":"So I was at the bar the other day...","mature":false,"author":"Polythermic","part2":"...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.  Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.  She said to me, \"Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me.\"  I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, \"Do you have a pen?\"  She replied \"Of course!\"  \"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone.\""},{"id":768,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xht66/i_was_offered_sex_today/","score":3418,"part1":"I was offered Sex Today","mature":false,"author":"Beto650","part2":"I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla."},{"id":769,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2tedpb/a_woman_arrived_at_a_party/","score":3415,"part1":"A woman arrived at a party","mature":false,"author":"beanie219","part2":"A woman arrived at a party & while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said, \"Hello. My name is Carmen.\"   \"That's a beautiful name,\" he replied. \"Is it a family name?\"   \"No,\" she replied. \"As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen.\" \"What's your name?\" she asked.   He answered \"B.J. Titsengolf.\""},{"id":770,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4707kt/love_is_like_a_fart/","score":3411,"part1":"Love is like a fart.","mature":false,"author":"suntzu124","part2":"If you have to force it, then it's probably shit."},{"id":771,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4aid4l/a_man_dies_and_goes_to_heaven/","score":3413,"part1":"A man dies and goes to heaven","mature":false,"author":"TheChocolateBrownie","part2":"In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.  He asks the Angel \"What are all these clocks for?\"  Angel answers \"These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once.\"    The man points towards a clock and asks, \"Who's clock does this belong to?\"  Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie.\"  then the man asks \"Where is Hillary Clintons clock?\"  The Angel replies \"That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan.\""},{"id":772,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45l9tf/hillary_clinton_is_elected_president/","score":3406,"part1":"Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .","mature":false,"author":"engfish","part2":"and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, \"George, what can I do to best serve the United States?\"  The ghost of George Washington responds, \"Never tell a lie.\"  She says, \"Oh, I don't think I can do that.\"  The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, \"Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?\"  The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, \"Listen to the people.\"  She says, \"Oh, I don't think I can do that.\"  On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, \"Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?\"  The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, \"Go see a play.\""},{"id":773,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/32pgee/i_told_a_girl_in_the_pub_about_my_ability_to/","score":3415,"part1":"I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...","mature":false,"author":"EEboLa","part2":"\"Really?\" she said, \"Go on then...try.\" After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded \"Come on, what day was I born?\" “Yesterday.\" I replied."},{"id":774,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/381t5o/how_do_you_piss_off_a_female_archaeologist/","score":3407,"part1":"How do you piss off a female archaeologist?","mature":false,"author":"FaustEchoes","part2":"Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from."},{"id":775,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yw6ap/an_australian_bin_man_knocks_at_the_door_of_a/","score":3814,"part1":"An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy","mature":false,"author":"Cheeseburgerbanter","part2":"And asks 'where's ya bin mate'  The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'  The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'  The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'"},{"id":776,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzvud/a_family_is_driving_behind_a_garbage_truck_when_a/","score":3814,"part1":"A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen...","mature":true,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"Embarrassed and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, \"Don't worry, that was just an insect.\"  To which, her daughter replies, \"I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!\""},{"id":777,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gf1u4/a_college_professor_asks_all_of_his_students_to/","score":3814,"part1":"A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project","mature":false,"author":"RiotSucksEggs","part2":"For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.  \"All blonde girls are dumb!\" yells a boy in the back.  \"Sony!\" Yells the blonde girl in the front."},{"id":778,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3fv074/1_dollar_for_dirty_joke/","score":3813,"part1":"1 dollar for dirty joke","mature":true,"author":"Sanchay5","part2":"I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.  Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?  Me: “asstasticbum”  Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”  Me: “two?”  Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”  Me: “two?”  Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”  Me: “two?”  Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?\"  Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”  Homeless man: “Well asstasticbum, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”   Credits to /u/asstasticbum. He is the owner and OP of this story. Im just retelling it.   Front page whooo hooo!! First time this has happened for me :D Im estatic :)   "},{"id":779,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38u98f/hi_my_name_is_bill_gates_and_today_i_will_be/","score":3815,"part1":"Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:","mature":false,"author":"SellTheSun","part2":"1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10    ----  "},{"id":780,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vssi4/so_a_guy_asked_a_girl_in_a_library/","score":3809,"part1":"So a guy asked a girl in a library","mature":false,"author":"WHYSORAKAWHY","part2":"A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right? The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears: I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty."},{"id":781,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jzh41/why_are_there_no_transvestites_in_space/","score":3804,"part1":"Why are there no transvestites in space?","mature":false,"author":"hoseja","part2":"Because there is zero drag.        ^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.           "},{"id":782,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jq69b/why_did_the_cows_come_back_to_the_marijuana_field/","score":3804,"part1":"Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?","mature":false,"author":"Lentilsz","part2":"The pot was calling the cattle back"},{"id":783,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49sbog/why_did_leonardo_dicaprio_laugh_at_the_oscar_joke/","score":3802,"part1":"Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke?","mature":false,"author":"iliveinazoo2","part2":"Because he finally got it"},{"id":784,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2tqol9/you_must_be_single/","score":3811,"part1":"You must be single...","mature":false,"author":"loanwolf","part2":"A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.  As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.  While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, \"You must be single.\"  The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, \"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?\"  The drunk replied, \"'Cuz you're ugly.\""},{"id":785,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2q9wwz/i_bought_my_son_a_fridge_for_christmas/","score":3800,"part1":"I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.  ^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])"},{"id":786,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3exadq/i_met_this_girl_the_other_day_and_she/","score":3796,"part1":"I met this girl the other day and she","mature":false,"author":"Bushwacker61","part2":"took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.    I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.   “Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .   Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left.....   ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day."},{"id":787,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2x8mov/an_american_an_indian_and_a_russian_got_in_hell/","score":3801,"part1":"An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..","mature":false,"author":"PerryAnthrust","part2":"An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: \"I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield\".  The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.   Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks \"May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time\". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: \"So, what will you use as a shield?\"  The Russian: \"The Indian, of course\"."},{"id":788,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/471n9v/a_man_goes_to_a_brothel/","score":3784,"part1":"A man goes to a brothel.","mature":false,"author":"SirDingaLonga","part2":"The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.         \"May I help you sir?\" she asked.         The man replied,     \"I wan to see Valerie.\"         \"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.   Perhaps you would prefer someone else\" said the madam.         He replied,     \"No, I must see Valerie.\"         Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.         Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.   After an hour, the man calmly left.         The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.     Valerie explained that no one had ever come back   two nights in a row as she was too expensive.     \"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.\"   Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.         After an hour, he left.         The following night the man was there yet again.         Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.         After their session, Valerie said to the man,     \"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.\"   \"Where are you from?\"         The man replied,     \" New Brunswick .\"   \"Really,\" she said. \"I have family in New Brunswick .\"         \"I know.\" the man said.     \"Your sister died, and I am her attorney.\"   \"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.\""},{"id":789,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33dehm/two_elderly_ladies_are_smoking_outside/","score":3795,"part1":"Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...","mature":false,"author":"IRanToday","part2":"It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.  When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex. He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.  She replys \"honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel\""},{"id":790,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2yo0ue/my_first_hooker/","score":3790,"part1":"My first hooker...","mature":true,"author":"ShitWolf88","part2":"A few years ago when I first got divorced, I decided to go to Vegas, and wanted to have some fun. I went to a casino, went to the bar, and bought a drink before I did anything when I am approached by a beautiful woman. She asked me if I liked to have fun and I said yes, she then told me she would give me a hand job for 500 dollars and I laughed and said \"500 Dollars!? Why that much?\" She then whipped out her cell phone and showed me a picture of a Lamborghini \"You see this car? I paid for it by selling hand jobs.\" So I shrugged and said \"What the hell, I need to live a little, I'll do it\" so we go back to my hotel and she gives me the best hand job I ever had.  She leaves and I pass out. The next night I go back to the same casino bar, and sure enough she's there again and I decide I wanted some more. I walk up to her and say \"You were amazing last night, how much would it cost for a blow job?\" She then smiles and says \"1 grand.\" Again I'm a little bit set back by the price and I said \"A grand? Is it that good?\" She then whips out her phone and shows me a picture of a HUGE, luxurious house. She then says \"See this house? I paid for it with blowjobs\" so I said \"Alright let's do it\" so this time we go into her car and she decides to blow me in the parking lot, and its the best blowjob I ever had.  We sit there and I'm blown away by this woman, so I ask her, \"how much would it cost for some pussy?\" She then laughs and points to the casino. \"You see that casino?\" I said \"...yeah?\" She says \"If I had a pussy, I would own that casino.\"  Update: Holy shit thanks for the gold. The comments have been awesome and the unexpected tranny attack its been a good day."},{"id":791,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2lz5e1/how_to_be_insulting/","score":3797,"part1":"How to be insulting","mature":false,"author":"Muzzoinker","part2":"A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.   He walks over to her and says, \"Wow, nice legs!\"   She is flattered and replies, \"You really think so?\"   The man says, \"Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.\""},{"id":792,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4izm9o/why_cant_harry_potter_tell_the_difference_between/","score":3791,"part1":"Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?","mature":false,"author":"TheLifeOfDablo","part2":"Because they're both cauldron"},{"id":793,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mc74k/what_is_the_difference_between_a_well_dressed_man/","score":3788,"part1":"What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?","mature":false,"author":"austin_976","part2":"Attire  "},{"id":794,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m969m/the_gynecologist_had_become/","score":3791,"part1":"The Gynecologist had become","mature":false,"author":"Bushwacker61","part2":"fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.  The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.  \"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?\" he asked.  \"Well\" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!\""},{"id":795,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yd9yi/a_bear_walks_into_a_bar/","score":3782,"part1":"A bear walks into a bar.","mature":false,"author":"knumberate","part2":"The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella?  The bear says \"  Give me a .........................................................beer.\"  The bartender says\" What's with the big pause?\"  The bear throws his arms up in the air and says \" I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM.\""},{"id":796,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2tw7ex/forgive_me_father_for_i_have_sinned/","score":3780,"part1":"Forgive me Father for I have sinned.","mature":false,"author":"babykinz","part2":"Forgive me Father for I have sinned.............. \"go on\" says the priest. \"I swore the other day\" says the man. \"continue\" says the priest. \"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway\". \"and this is when you swore?\" asked the priest. \"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough\" continued the man. \"this must have been when you swore?\" the priest exclaimed. \"No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it\" continued the man. \"Ahhh I see\" says the priest \"this must have been the point where you swore\" \"Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole\" The priest pauses for a few seconds \"you missed the fucking putt didn't you?\""},{"id":797,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tvg6z/a_guy_and_his_girlfriend_are_talking/","score":3781,"part1":"A guy and his girlfriend are talking","mature":false,"author":"delqhic","part2":"Her: Come over. Him: I'm coming over. Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."},{"id":798,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jlf0o/whats_the_difference_between_reddit_and_facebook/","score":3774,"part1":"What's the difference between reddit and facebook?","mature":false,"author":"sagiksp","part2":"About a week."},{"id":799,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4s6igx/shame_about_the_tesla_driver_that_crashed_while/","score":3779,"part1":"Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie.","mature":false,"author":"InFerYes","part2":"He should've watched the trailer."},{"id":800,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45udb4/a_black_man_and_a_white_man_walk_into_a_bakery/","score":4369,"part1":"A black man and a white man walk into a bakery","mature":false,"author":"nuho24","part2":"The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.  He says to the white, \"See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing.\" The white man says to the black man, \"That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.\"  He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, \"Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.\" Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.  The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, \"So what did you do with the pastries?\"  The white man replies, \"Look in the black mans back pocket.....\"  "},{"id":801,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3p0hpk/so_my_irish_friend_decided_to_tell_his_community/","score":4359,"part1":"So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...","mature":false,"author":"Darddeac","part2":"One man in the crowd then yelled \"Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?\"  (Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)"},{"id":802,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/22cx39/why_do_teenage_girls_hang_out_in_oddnumbered/","score":4359,"part1":"Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?","mature":false,"author":"gofrawgs","part2":"Because they can't even."},{"id":803,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/267ij0/a_physicist_sees_a_young_man_about_to_jump_off/","score":4356,"part1":"A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...","mature":false,"author":"pankswork","part2":"He yells \"Don't do it! You have so much potential!\""},{"id":804,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pxy9k/i_often_say_to_myself_i_cant_believe_that_cloning/","score":4352,"part1":"I often say to myself, \"I can't believe that cloning machine worked.\"","mature":false,"author":"GemEdessa","part2":""},{"id":805,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/47zm2c/what_does_bill_say_to_hillary_after_sex/","score":4350,"part1":"What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?","mature":false,"author":"furkitare","part2":"Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes."},{"id":806,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t5z8o/with_all_the_negativity_in_the_world_today/","score":4344,"part1":"With all the negativity in the world today...","mature":false,"author":"NeverBob","part2":"...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive."},{"id":807,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p4uhe/a_guy_dies_and_wakes_up_on_a_beach/","score":4345,"part1":"A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.","mature":false,"author":"Skidmark666","part2":"Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. \"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me.\" he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. \"Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?\" \"Oh,\" Satan says, \"that´s for the Christians, they want it that way.\""},{"id":808,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42ihx3/i_told_my_wife_i_wanted_to_try_anal_sex/","score":4347,"part1":"I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex","mature":false,"author":"smashley951","part2":"She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years"},{"id":809,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ayhb6/pretty_soon_the_only_place_you_will_be_able_to/","score":4341,"part1":"Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.","mature":false,"author":"Flyingv66","part2":"Oh the irony."},{"id":810,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ffd9l/someone_told_me_im_condescending/","score":4341,"part1":"Someone told me I'm condescending","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"That means I talk down to people."},{"id":811,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vgu6t/what_did_the_indian_boy_say_to_his_mother_as_he/","score":4340,"part1":"What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?","mature":false,"author":"MrLamebro1","part2":"Mumbai!"},{"id":812,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4r6wfa/if_trump_wins_im_leaving_the_country_if_clinton/","score":4337,"part1":"If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country","mature":false,"author":"salomont","part2":"Not a political post, I just love to travel"},{"id":813,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wz39j/til_unvaccinated_children_are_less_likely_to_be/","score":4337,"part1":"TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic","mature":false,"author":"AccountName77","part2":"Because they are more likely to be dead"},{"id":814,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37choa/i_saved_a_bunch_of_money_on_my_car_insurance_by/","score":4330,"part1":"I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching","mature":false,"author":"smashley951","part2":"To reverse and leaving the scene"},{"id":815,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3di2v3/til_after_pearl_harbor_us_warships_fired_upon/","score":4329,"part1":"TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.","mature":false,"author":"surelyucantbserious","part2":"Whoops, wrong sub."},{"id":816,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4i9kps/snake_walks_into_a_bar/","score":4328,"part1":"Snake walks into a bar.","mature":false,"author":"CalmPc","part2":"And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''"},{"id":817,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4017dh/what_do_you_call_a_girl_with_an_hourglass_figure/","score":4332,"part1":"What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?","mature":false,"author":"LieutenantDavid","part2":"A waist of time."},{"id":818,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34ievr/a_priest_is_being_honored_at_his_retirement_dinner/","score":4321,"part1":"A priest is being honored at his retirement dinner...","mature":false,"author":"SnyGuy75","part2":"A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the  dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!  “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I  heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The  very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from  his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his  boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”  Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of  apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:  “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the  politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”"},{"id":819,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x4kd4/a_hippie_sits_down_at_a_bar/","score":4320,"part1":"A hippie sits down at a bar...","mature":false,"author":"Laez","part2":"So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, \"come with me to the bathroom and I'll give you a blow job\".   Suddenly the hippie jumps off his stool, pushes the guy down, and starts kicking the guy repeatedly.   A couple of patrons pull the hippie back. They ask him what the guy said to piss him off so much.   \"Something about a job. \""},{"id":820,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/42uw0i/i_was_given_mdma_and_lsd_tonight/","score":4313,"part1":"I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...","mature":false,"author":"firesidefire","part2":"What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble."},{"id":821,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wzeo4/a_balding_white_haired_man_walks_into_a_jewelry/","score":4304,"part1":"A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...","mature":false,"author":"InsideLight","part2":"He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.  The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'  At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'  On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.  ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’"},{"id":822,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34567n/my_girlfriend_said_to_me_sex_is_better_on_holiday/","score":4307,"part1":"My girlfriend said to me \"sex is better on holiday\"...","mature":false,"author":"funkymonkey1995","part2":"That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive."},{"id":823,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ys65r/whats_et_short_for/","score":4304,"part1":"What's E.T. short for?","mature":false,"author":"furdlur","part2":"So he can fit in his spaceship."},{"id":824,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2oebju/on_his_74th_birthday_a_man_got_a_gift_certificate/","score":4300,"part1":"On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...","mature":false,"author":"globalgamer","part2":"The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.  The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.\" The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, \"How do I stop the medicine from working?\" \"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'\" he responded, \"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon.\"  The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, \"1-2-3!\"  Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, \"What was the 1-2-3 for?\"  And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle."},{"id":825,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2um5jx/an_african_lumberjack/","score":4953,"part1":"An African Lumberjack","mature":false,"author":"longbowrocks","part2":"An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.  \"Take a couple swings at that tree over there.\" The foreman said.  The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.  \"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here.\" The foreman points out a much larger tree.  One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.  \"That's incredible!\" Cried the foreman. \"Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!\"  \"In the Sahara Forest.\" Replied the lumberjack.  \"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?\" Asked the foreman.  \"That's why I'm here.\"  [Credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2u248l/a_woodchopper_from_the_middle_east_is_looking_for/)"},{"id":826,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qlu0w/dead_again/","score":4949,"part1":"Dead again..","mature":false,"author":"Mus_tee","part2":"During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.  She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.  As they are walking out, the husband cries out, \"Watch out for the wall!\""},{"id":827,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3icqz1/hows_donald_trump_going_to_get_rid_of_all_the/","score":4947,"part1":"How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?","mature":false,"author":"Jeremy_Alberts","part2":"Juan by Juan."},{"id":828,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e4p20/my_eight_year_old_nephew_said_he_had_a_joke/","score":4939,"part1":"My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:","mature":false,"author":"wutang77","part2":"“What did the ant say to the other ant?”   “I dunno, what?”   “Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”    “Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”   He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”"},{"id":829,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/481dps/should_english_be_the_only_official_language_of/","score":4935,"part1":"Should English be the only official language of the EU?","mature":false,"author":"swiss__","part2":"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.   As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as \"Euro-English\".   In the first year, \"s\" will replace the soft \"c\". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard \"c\" will be dropped in favour of \"k\". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.  There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome \"ph\" will be replaced with \"f\". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.   In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.  Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.   Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent \"e\" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.   By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing \"th\" with \"z\" and \"w\" with \"v\".   During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary \"o\" kan be dropd from vords kontaining \"ou\" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.   Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.   Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas."},{"id":830,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3u539f/wife_texts_husband_on_a_cold_winter_morning/","score":4941,"part1":"Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: \"Windows frozen, won't open.\"","mature":false,"author":"wishiwascooltoo","part2":"Husband texts back: \"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer.\"  Wife texts back 10 minutes later: \"Computer really messed up now.\""},{"id":831,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oljnm/my_new_thesaurus_is_terrible_not_only_that_but/","score":4938,"part1":"My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.","mature":false,"author":"itman290","part2":""},{"id":832,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/433zi6/minorities_have_the_race_card_women_have_the/","score":4935,"part1":"Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?","mature":false,"author":"Wrekt_","part2":"The Trump card.  "},{"id":833,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ewxy2/i_am_pierre/","score":4930,"part1":"I am Pierre","mature":true,"author":"ghatroad","part2":"Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a  pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.  Marie leans over to Pierre and says, \"Pierre, kiss me!\"  Pierre  grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.  \"What are you doing, Pierre?\" says the startled Marie.  \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!\"  She smiles and they start kissing.  Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, \"Pierre, kiss me lower.\"  Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. \"Pierre! What are you doing now?\" asks the bewildered Marie.  \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When  I have white meat, I have white wine!\"  She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, \"Pierre,  kiss me much lower!\"  Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of  Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.  Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, \"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?\"  Our hero stands and says defiantly, \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in  flames!\""},{"id":834,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3gnliw/nsfwwhat_must_a_vampire_ask_before_he_has_sex/","score":4933,"part1":"(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?","mature":true,"author":"PancakeForce","part2":"Is it alright if I cum inside?"},{"id":835,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2sf00p/so_i_heard_that_the_hackers_anonymous_are_waging/","score":4928,"part1":"So I heard that the hackers \"Anonymous\" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...","mature":false,"author":"Sublmnl82","part2":"Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!"},{"id":836,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jjgup/in_space_two_aliens_are_talking_to_each_other/","score":4933,"part1":"In space, two aliens are talking to each other","mature":false,"author":"Serenaded","part2":"The first alien says, \"The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.\"  The second alien asks, \"Are they an emerging intelligence?\"  The first alien says, \"I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves\""},{"id":837,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d1nl0/why_does_kylo_ren_have_no_friends/","score":4929,"part1":"Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?","mature":false,"author":"AppaulledRevere","part2":"Because his whole life he's Ben Solo"},{"id":838,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4uvdxp/a_60_years_old_billionaire_marries_a_hot_25_year/","score":4929,"part1":"A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..","mature":false,"author":"niranjan-basarkar","part2":"After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...  After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..  \"It's simple\" billionaire boasts... \"I faked my age\"  \"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?\" A friend asks.  With a smile on his lips billionaire responds \"85 years old\""},{"id":839,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ub66q/two_guys_from_michigan_die_and_wake_up_in_hell/","score":4926,"part1":"Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.","mature":false,"author":"smarvin6689","part2":"Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, \"What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?\"  The two guys reply, \"Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.\"  The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, \"It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?\"  Again, the guys reply, \"Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.\"  The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. \"Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.\"  The two Michiganders reply, \"Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.\"  The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.  The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. \"I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?\"  The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. \"Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!\""},{"id":840,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ir53p/comas_can_really_change_the_meaning_of_a_sentence/","score":4925,"part1":"Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...","mature":false,"author":"Calsan1","part2":"For instance:    \"Ben is in a hurry.\"   \"Ben is in a coma.\""},{"id":841,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rhi7f/i_tried_to_sue_the_airport_for_misplacing_my/","score":4920,"part1":"I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.","mature":false,"author":"Ghostaire","part2":"I lost my case."},{"id":842,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nz3te/whats_gordon_ramsays_favorite_movie/","score":4926,"part1":"What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie?","mature":false,"author":"zwart27","part2":"IT'S FUCKING FROZEN"},{"id":843,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3rlj3w/i_walked_into_a_room_full_of_men_masturbating/","score":4921,"part1":"I walked into a room full of men masturbating","mature":false,"author":"Unidrake","part2":"They all looked shocked when I didn't stop"},{"id":844,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ugrah/a_cop_pulls_a_guy_over_for_suspected_drunk_driving/","score":4914,"part1":"A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.","mature":false,"author":"I-tells-jokes","part2":"The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :  \"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!\"  The drunk says \"No shit, that's why I took my car!\""},{"id":845,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4w1wce/how_do_you_get_30_drunk_canadians_out_of_the_pool/","score":4917,"part1":"How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?","mature":false,"author":"sohnles","part2":"\"Please Get Out The Pool\""},{"id":846,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xiris/i_told_my_wife_we_can_have_sex_or_go_see_star/","score":4915,"part1":"I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.","mature":false,"author":"Ferl74","part2":"But she pulled some strings and got me in."},{"id":847,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/373dmv/i_lent_a_hot_girl_my_umbrella_yesterday/","score":4909,"part1":"I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.","mature":false,"author":"flabalabalacom","part2":"That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1."},{"id":848,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2yehpl/fifty_bucks_is_fifty_bucks/","score":4901,"part1":"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!","mature":false,"author":"Ozymandiastorm","part2":"Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,  'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'  Edna always replied,  'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'  One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,  'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'  To this, Edna replied,  \"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'  The pilot overheard the couple and said,  'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'  Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...  When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,  'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'   Buddy replied,   'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'  EDIT1: I made it to the front page and my Karma has been destroyed :)  EDIT2: You guys can click on my post history and downvote all of my comments for a more efficient way to get back at me, I wanna see if I can get my Karma to 0. Thanks in advance"},{"id":849,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4csixa/dads_are_like_boomerangs/","score":4899,"part1":"Dads are like boomerangs....","mature":false,"author":"Omnicolors","part2":"I hope.      "},{"id":850,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3op5rq/why_do_pencils_shave/","score":4414,"part1":"Why do pencils shave?","mature":false,"author":"queen0fmars","part2":"To look sharp.       Cr"},{"id":851,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3oi6m3/i_just_got_kicked_out_of_karaoke_night_for/","score":4404,"part1":"I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing \"Danger Zone\" six times in a row...","mature":false,"author":"mrdantownsend","part2":"...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts"},{"id":852,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3my98e/a_man_gets_i_love_you_tattooed_on_his_penis/","score":4405,"part1":"A man gets \"I love you\" tattooed on his penis...","mature":false,"author":"AlliedForces74","part2":"He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.   She looks at him and shakes her head saying \"there you go again trying to put words in my mouth\".    "},{"id":853,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3098tw/i_wanted_to_learn_how_to_drive_a_stick_shift/","score":4395,"part1":"I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.","mature":false,"author":"elpesce","part2":"But I couldn't find a manual."},{"id":854,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44gmsu/this_is_how_bad_the_economy_is/","score":4395,"part1":"This is how bad the economy is:","mature":false,"author":"me_elmo","part2":"* My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.   * Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.   * CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.   * Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.   * A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.   * If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.   * McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.   * Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.   * Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.   * A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.   * A picture is now only worth 200 words.   * When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.   * The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.    And, finally….   * I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck."},{"id":855,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3xl44b/my_friend_asked_me_if_the_new_star_wars_was_in_3d/","score":4397,"part1":"My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...","mature":false,"author":"MrDNL","part2":"... and I said, yes, but they R2D2."},{"id":856,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2xt2n0/i_started_carrying_a_knife_after_an_attempted/","score":4397,"part1":"I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.","mature":false,"author":"mamimapr","part2":"Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful."},{"id":857,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2oir42/i_have_a_bumper_sticker_that_says_honk_if_you/","score":4397,"part1":"I have a bumper sticker that says, \"honk if you think I'm sexy\"...","mature":false,"author":"HashtagFudgyNips","part2":"I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself."},{"id":858,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14q1lq/collection_of_my_favorite_latvian_jokes/","score":4394,"part1":"Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.","mature":false,"author":"so_carelessly_here","part2":"* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.  * Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.  * Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “  * Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.  * Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?   * Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.  * Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more."},{"id":859,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4d11zv/dont_die_a_virgin/","score":4388,"part1":"Don't die a virgin.","mature":false,"author":"Untimely_TARDIS","part2":"Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you."},{"id":860,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lvcla/910_redditors_are_idiots/","score":4391,"part1":"9/10 Redditors are idiots","mature":false,"author":"Petrol_bomb_priest","part2":"I'm glad to be the 1%"},{"id":861,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4g6m02/a_british_man_a_french_man_and_a_spanish_man_are/","score":4391,"part1":"A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.","mature":false,"author":"Thane97","part2":"They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.   The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.  The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.  While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says \"Well it's your turn now. What do you request?\"  The British man responds \"First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy.\"  The Judge yells \"You're crazy! why would you do that?\"  The Brit responds \"Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back.\""},{"id":862,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3f7jb7/a_very_handsome_man_gets_into_a_terrible_car/","score":4386,"part1":"A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....","mature":false,"author":"Yankee9204","part2":"The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.  The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.   \"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye,\" the man says.  \"Okay, how about that girl over there?\" His friend responds. \"She has a really big nose\".  The man walks over to the girl and asks, \"Would you like to dance?\"  Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses \"Would, I?! Would I?!\"  To which the man quickly responds \"Big nose! Big nose!\""},{"id":863,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39ku0h/what_starts_with_e_ends_with_e_and_only_contains/","score":4384,"part1":"What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?","mature":false,"author":"Chinesemexican","part2":"an Envelope  "},{"id":864,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4evxj2/what_did_mike_tyson_say_to_vincent_van_gogh/","score":4378,"part1":"What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??","mature":false,"author":"frapz","part2":"You gonna eat that?"},{"id":865,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/40bljb/why_is_the_british_weather_like_islam/","score":4384,"part1":"Why is the British weather like Islam?","mature":false,"author":"danman1916","part2":"Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite"},{"id":866,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qia8f/what_do_you_get_when_you_cross_a_cow_and_an/","score":4375,"part1":"What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?","mature":false,"author":"theexplosivecandle","part2":"A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding."},{"id":867,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bkxoz/my_wife_told_me_this_in_the_car_the_other_day/","score":4377,"part1":"My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!","mature":false,"author":"DontTouchTheWalrus","part2":"Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.  Me: Who?  Wife: My butt cheeks."},{"id":868,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mlh0b/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/","score":4378,"part1":"White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do...","mature":false,"author":"RiceyHD","part2":"We shoot each other in schools, because we have class."},{"id":869,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2zfwul/i_told_my_friends_i_had_a_date_with_a_really/","score":4381,"part1":"I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...","mature":false,"author":"defghijklol","part2":"they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too."},{"id":870,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3trm91/will_i_live_to_see_80/","score":4369,"part1":"Will I Live to see 80?","mature":false,"author":"blackhawksrules","part2":"Will I Live to see 80?  Here's something to think about.  I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He  said I was doing fairly well for my age.   A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think  I'll live to be 80?'  He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'  Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'  'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.  He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said...  He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'"},{"id":871,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3vigtg/my_girlfriend_asked_me_if_i_ever_take_a_piss/","score":4367,"part1":"My girlfriend asked me if I ever take a piss while in the shower.","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.  I said, \"Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally.\"  She said, \"That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!\"  \"Hey,\" I said, \"these things happen when you're taking a shit.\""},{"id":872,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3logxu/i_went_to_the_reddit_restaurant/","score":4366,"part1":"I went to the Reddit restaurant","mature":false,"author":"WaitingToTakeYouAway","part2":"All of its servers were busy..."},{"id":873,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c05wq/what_sound_does_reddit_make_when_it_blows_up/","score":4368,"part1":"What sound does Reddit make when it blows up?","mature":false,"author":"Loueloui","part2":"Pao!   "},{"id":874,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wwajg/the_somalian_olympics_team_has_just_apologised/","score":4369,"part1":"The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised","mature":false,"author":"voracread","part2":"The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!"},{"id":875,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/37peio/whats_the_difference_between_a_penis_and_a/","score":3513,"part1":"What's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck?","mature":false,"author":"funland33","part2":"After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck"},{"id":876,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3yhaia/what_kind_of_organization_is_atheism/","score":3515,"part1":"What kind of organization is Atheism?","mature":false,"author":"Firmino11","part2":"Non-prophet."},{"id":877,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3eanyy/my_driving_instructor_told_me_to_pull_over/","score":3521,"part1":"My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.","mature":false,"author":"Billy-Milligan","part2":"Two minutes later he said, \"Why haven't you pulled over yet?\"  I said, \"Because we're still in Manchester.\""},{"id":878,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2jkobj/during_a_funeral/","score":3515,"part1":"During a funeral...","mature":false,"author":"Watchadoinfoo","part2":"The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, \"Watch out for the wall!\""},{"id":879,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3h78y8/a_young_man_finds_the_perfect_girl_from_his_small/","score":3506,"part1":"A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage","mature":false,"author":"ThAw001","part2":"He asks his father for his blessings, but the father tells him that he was screwing around in his youth, and that the girl he wants to marry is in fact his sister.   The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests his next door neighbor's daughter. The father tells him with apologetic tone that she is also his sister.  The young man storms out crying and finds his mother outside. She asks him what's up and he tells her the story. She tells him with her motherly soft voice: \"Son, go marry any girl you want, that man is not your father\"."},{"id":880,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/33vus6/my_math_teacher_called_me_average/","score":3508,"part1":"My math teacher called me average...","mature":false,"author":"MrMillionDollarSmile","part2":"How mean."},{"id":881,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ge3i/what_did_the_black_holes_say_when_they_collided/","score":3507,"part1":"What did the black holes say when they collided?","mature":false,"author":"UsedRealNameFirst","part2":"Nothing, they just waved.  (Sorry)"},{"id":882,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/38wusu/a_guy_is_doing_90_in_a_75_and_sees_lights_from_a/","score":3507,"part1":"A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...","mature":false,"author":"ImportGuy","part2":"He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.  The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.  \"You were going a little fast there,\" the officer says \"but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself.\"  The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied \"Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back.\"  The officer paused for a moment and said \"Have a nice day and drive safe.\"  "},{"id":883,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lbpsc/remember_when_you_were_a_kid_and_when_you_cried/","score":3495,"part1":"Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, \"I'll give you a reason to cry\"?","mature":false,"author":"Dude_Hold_My_Bear","part2":"I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later."},{"id":884,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/26w5az/a_cop_is_out_on_patrol_and_sees_a_car_parked_in/","score":3501,"part1":"A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.","mature":false,"author":"[deleted]","part2":"He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.  \"What are you up to here, son?\"  \"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see.\"  \"And what's she doing back there?\"  \"I think she's playing a game on her phone.\"  \"Have you been drinking tonight?\"  \"No, sir. I'm only twenty.\"  \"And how old is she?\"  The guy looks at his watch and says, \"Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen.\""},{"id":885,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31txu6/i_had_an_idea_for_a_movie_plot/","score":3491,"part1":"I had an idea for a movie plot.","mature":false,"author":"Im_Lexicdis","part2":"A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too."},{"id":886,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2gc7iu/how_many_divorced_men_does_it_take_to_change_a/","score":3488,"part1":"How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?","mature":false,"author":"Finrod_the_awesome","part2":"No one knows. They never get to keep the house.  "},{"id":887,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41ugcy/my_girlfriend_dropped_this_on_me_after_some/","score":3491,"part1":"My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...","mature":false,"author":"Roderman","part2":"\"I'm chilly\"  She steps closer and takes my hand  \"Will you be my con queso?\"  And before I could even respond ...  \"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?\"   "},{"id":888,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/31p77z/a_policeman_knocked_on_my_door_this_morning/","score":3493,"part1":"A policeman knocked on my door this morning...","mature":false,"author":"aali4356","part2":"A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.\r  After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.\r The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.\r  Then he decided to look through the window.\r He shouted, \"Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.\"\r I said, \"You're not coming in mate!\"\r   He said, \"I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.\""},{"id":889,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2nkp3p/a_piece_of_toast_and_a_hard_boiled_egg_walked/","score":3485,"part1":"A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....","mature":false,"author":"blairibus","part2":"The bartender says \" Sorry,  we don't serve breakfast here\"."},{"id":890,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fee61/a_priest_takes_a_walk_down_to_the_docks_one_day/","score":3496,"part1":"A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day","mature":false,"author":"the-bends","part2":"and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.  Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instruction and shows him how to cast his bait out into the water. Within moments the priest manages to reel in the largest fish that the fisherman has ever seen. In the moment of excitement the fisherman exclaims, \"Look at the size of that Son-of-a-bitch!\"  Immediately the priest becomes disturbed and says, \"My son, please don't use such language.\"  The fisherman, embarrassed and hoping word of this gaffe will not reach the rest of his family, makes up an explanation in a moment of ingenuity, \"Oh no father, that's the name of that type of fish, a son-of-a-bitch.\" He lies, taking advantage of the priests fishing naivete.   The priest is pacified, and begs forgiveness for jumping to conclusions. The fisherman, relieved, brings the priest back to the docks and drops him off.  The priest lumbers back to the church, with the giant fish in his arms. Upon entering the church he sees the bishop and approaches him, \"Bishop, look at the size of this son-of-a-bitch I caught!\"  The bishop stands wide-eyed a moment, \"Priest, how could a man as holy as you use such language in the house of God?\"  The priest calmly explains that it is the name of the fish, and the bishop feeling embarrassed for jumping to conclusions offers to take and clean the fish for the priest.   After cleaning the fish the bishop takes it to the maid in the kitchen and tells her, \"Maid, I want you to cook this son-of-a-bitch for me.\"  The maid blushes and responds, \"Bishop, it may not be my place to say so, but is such language fitting for a man of your stature?\"  The bishop laughs haughtily, explains that it's the name of the fish and that he too had made the same mistake only minutes earlier. The maid laughs too, apologizes and cooks the fish.  It just so happens that the Pope decided to stop in for dinner at their church that evening. They are all sitting at the table when the pope says, \"Oh, my children, I know that gluttony is a sin but I simply can't stop myself from eating this fish. I must know, where did you get it?\"  \"I caught the son-of-a-bitch.\" Said the priest.  \"I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch.\" Said the bishop.  \"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch.\" Said the maid.  For a moment the pope sat silently, staring at them all wide-eyed. He then slowly removed his hat, kicked off his sandles, put his hands behind his head, kicked his feet up on the table and said, \"You know what? You mother fuckers are alright!\""},{"id":891,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35d2bw/lpt_if_you_ever_get_cold_and_dont_have_a_sweater/","score":3487,"part1":"LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.","mature":false,"author":"NeonNoon","part2":"( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"},{"id":892,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2uerio/what_do_you_call_a_wife_that_knows_where_her/","score":3487,"part1":"What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?","mature":false,"author":"retrokev","part2":"A widow"},{"id":893,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ee5d0/circumcisions_are_painful/","score":3491,"part1":"Circumcisions are painful.","mature":false,"author":"lolzsupbrah","part2":"When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year"},{"id":894,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2u2syb/what_do_british_nuclear_engineers_eat/","score":3483,"part1":"What do British nuclear engineers eat?","mature":false,"author":"ichabod-rain","part2":"Fission chips."},{"id":895,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2xn569/my_boss_was_honest_with_me_today/","score":3481,"part1":"My boss was honest with me today.","mature":false,"author":"funtimeswithrhymes","part2":"He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, \"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.\""},{"id":896,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4py5u5/why_does_britain_like_tea_so_much/","score":3482,"part1":"Why does Britain like tea so much?","mature":false,"author":"doorkn00b","part2":"Because tea leaves."},{"id":897,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/43hj53/tell_a_woman_shes_beautiful_a_hundred_times_and/","score":3486,"part1":"Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.","mature":false,"author":"Charliejfg04","part2":"Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget."},{"id":898,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rj9cn/a_horse_walks_into_a_bar/","score":3474,"part1":"A horse walks into a bar...","mature":false,"author":"Sunshinexpress","part2":"\"Why the long face?\" asks the bartender... The horse replies, \"I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City.\""},{"id":899,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eqzim/i_won_my_first_cage_fight_last_night/","score":3481,"part1":"I won my first cage fight last night...","mature":false,"author":"Pyronaut44","part2":"Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it."},{"id":900,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4tng1l/so_my_mate_has_started_dating_twins/","score":5137,"part1":"So my mate has started dating twins!","mature":true,"author":"brackfriday_bunduru","part2":"I asked him the other day \"how do you tell them apart?\"  He said   \"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...   ... And Brian's got a cock\""},{"id":901,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wiwnn/christmas_joke_three_men_died/","score":5131,"part1":"Christmas Joke... Three men died....","mature":false,"author":"timeonmyhandz","part2":"Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'       And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.         "},{"id":902,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4e2nal/today_my_stoner_friend_used_my_todo_list_as_a/","score":5124,"part1":"Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap","mature":false,"author":"Error204NoContent","part2":"He was high on my list of priorities"},{"id":903,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4p8qkb/two_windmills_are_standing_in_a_field_and_one/","score":5124,"part1":"Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, \"What kind of music do you like?\"","mature":false,"author":"Wolfey1618","part2":"The other says, \"I'm a big metal fan\""},{"id":904,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3t42fi/my_wife_told_me_to_take_a_spider_out_instead_of/","score":5116,"part1":"My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it","mature":false,"author":"robbielucas","part2":"We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer."},{"id":905,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3w3sol/mom_dont_freak_out_but_im_in_the_hospital/","score":5113,"part1":"\"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital...\"","mature":false,"author":"PlanetDuckable","part2":"\"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.\""},{"id":906,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vmopp/my_friend_asked_me_to_describe_myself_in_3_words/","score":5109,"part1":"My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...","mature":false,"author":"unyielding_rock","part2":"Lazy"},{"id":907,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4cvm0b/what_is_mr_ts_favorite_month/","score":5103,"part1":"What is Mr. T's favorite month?","mature":false,"author":"Wtfisgoinonhere","part2":"April, fools"},{"id":908,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4k89av/i_believe_a_lot_of_conflict_in_the_wild_west/","score":5098,"part1":"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone..."},{"id":909,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lsyl9/i_broke_up_with_my_girlfriend_because_i_like_my/","score":5101,"part1":"I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee","mature":true,"author":"HowManyMoreX","part2":"Without other people's dicks in it."},{"id":910,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4dbwpx/an_irish_girl_tells_her_mom_she_decided_to_be_a/","score":5109,"part1":"An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.","mature":false,"author":"ax_and_smash","part2":"her mom says \"A WHAT\"?!!   The daughter says \"a prostitute\" then the mom says \"thank god... I thought you said a Protestant\""},{"id":911,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4lqbev/a_man_comes_home_to_his_wife_from_his_job_at_a/","score":5102,"part1":"A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...","mature":true,"author":"RiskyBrothers","part2":"He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.  The man turns to her and says, \"I've been having the strangest urge at work lately.\"  His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks \"What is it.\"  The man sighs and says, \"I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer.\"  The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.  A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off.  Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction.  So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, \"Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer.\"  She gasps, crying out \"oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!\"  The man looks up at her, \"Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually.\"  His wife is now completely bewildered, \"But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?\"  The man shrugs, \"Yeah, she got fired, too.\""},{"id":912,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3je9b2/hipsters/","score":5106,"part1":"Hipsters","mature":false,"author":"spermbanks","part2":"I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is \"conjoined twins\"."},{"id":913,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4id1go/im_a_scientist_thats_researching_beastiality/","score":5095,"part1":"I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs","mature":false,"author":"MeganCool","part2":"I'll be in my lab."},{"id":914,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3k259l/i_was_having_sex_with_a_friends_wife_the_phone/","score":5088,"part1":"I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed","mature":false,"author":"kraken9","part2":"She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me."},{"id":915,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4n545s/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/","score":5086,"part1":"A man walks into a bar...","mature":false,"author":"ftatman","part2":"A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,   \"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?\"  The bartender is a worldly individual. \"Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive.\"  So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.  The bartender is speechless.  \"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer.\"  The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.  \"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?\"  The bartender stares in disbelief. \"After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then.\"  The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.  \"Oh my word,\" says the bartender. \"That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it.\"  In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.  \"I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant.\"  \"Well, sure, why not?\" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog.  \"Are you MAD!?\" the bartender says to the man. \"You could have made millions with that frog!\"  \"Nah,\" says the man.   \"The hamster's a ventriloquist.\""},{"id":916,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3g4fs2/his_son_asked_him_what_gay_meant/","score":5071,"part1":"His son asked him what gay meant.","mature":false,"author":"tireld17","part2":"Son: Dad, what does gay mean?  Dad: Happy son. It means happy.  Son: Then are YOU gay DAD?  Dad: No son...... i have a wife...     "},{"id":917,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4sb55t/a_british_tourist_visits_a_brothel_in_germany/","score":5074,"part1":"A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany","mature":false,"author":"rumor247","part2":"Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.  They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.  They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, \"No!\" and walks quickly away.  The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey's. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, \"NO WAY, BUDDY!\" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.  Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.  So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.  He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, \"Can I pay in Pounds?\""},{"id":918,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3wmq6z/the_redneck_joke/","score":5064,"part1":"The Redneck Joke","mature":false,"author":"TeamDodgy","part2":"Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, \"You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.\" Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.  The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. \"Logic?\" Bubba says. \"What's that?\"  The dean says, \"I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?\"  \"Yeah.\"  \"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.\"  \"That's true, I do have a yard.\"  \"I'm not done,\" the dean says. \"Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.\"  \"Yes, I do have a house.\"  \"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.\"  \"I have a family.\"  \"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.\"  \"Yes, I do have a wife.\"  \"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.\"  \"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!\"  Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. \"Logic?\" Jim Bob says, \"What's that?\"  Bubba says, \"I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?\"  \"No.\"  \"Then you're homosexual.\"   "},{"id":919,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/23ktwh/just_heard_dad_tell_this_joke_to_mum/","score":5062,"part1":"Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.","mature":false,"author":"damianmessenger","part2":"Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...  A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom  'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'  The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,   'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you  swear after me, ok?'  'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.   The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.   'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '  **WHACK**...**she spanks him**  He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.   She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'   'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'"},{"id":920,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fstj9/tits_are_like_lego_bricks/","score":5052,"part1":"Tits are like Lego bricks.","mature":false,"author":"KellyfromLeedsUK","part2":"They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them."},{"id":921,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v7k9q/i_couldnt_find_the_thingy_that_peels_the_potatoes/","score":5064,"part1":"I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...","mature":false,"author":"haXterix","part2":"Apparently she left me two days ago."},{"id":922,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4j4djz/two_911_conspiracy_theorists_are_in_a_plane_when/","score":5054,"part1":"Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes","mature":false,"author":"Something_Syck","part2":"An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.  One falls to his knees, \"I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!\"  God sighs. \"Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it.\"  His friend leans down and whispers, \"Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized.\"  E: If you think the joke is funny you should see all the butthurt 9/11 conspiracy theorists in the comments"},{"id":923,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2e6ctg/ive_translated_a_popular_russian_joke_to_english/","score":5062,"part1":"I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))","mature":true,"author":"hiimnoam64","part2":"A young boy says to his father \"Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.\"  \"What happened?\" The father asks.  \"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' \"  \"Indeed, what is the difference?\" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''  The next day, the boy comes home from school \"Dad, have you gone by the school?\" He asks.  \"Not yet.\"  \"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.\"  \"Why?\" asks the father.  The boy explains, \"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'\"  \"Exactly,\" says the father. \"Alright, I'll come.\"  The next day, the boy asks his father \"Did you go to the school?\"  \"No, not yet.\"  \"Don't bother, I got expelled.\"  Surprised, the father asks \"Why did you get expelled?\"  \"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.\"  \"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?\" asks the father.  \"That's what I said\" replied the boy.  **edit** : formatting with the help of Hotfries456  **edit 2** : Gold? Thanks! Btw, it's really interesting to read your comments guys  **3rd and last edit** : [One more](http://reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2e9hb9/another_russian_joke_i_love/) :)"},{"id":924,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qzif1/my_stats_professor_told_me_that_the_larger_the/","score":5049,"part1":"My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.","mature":false,"author":"JeffSachs","part2":"I guess the N's justify the means."},{"id":925,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vjigx/why_do_they_evacuate_women_and_children_first/","score":3735,"part1":"Why do they evacuate women and children first?","mature":false,"author":"Slimebeast","part2":"You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying.  (**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)"},{"id":926,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44sn3u/putin_and_obama_meet_in_moscow/","score":3737,"part1":"Putin and Obama meet in Moscow","mature":false,"author":"RatherBeYachting","part2":"They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.  Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.  Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.   Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around.   Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk you can shoot them with my own gun.   Putin let's the FSB know what they're doing, and tells them to do a sweep and round up every single drunk on their route. He says if Obama sees a single drunk everyone will get sent to Siberia.   Obama and Putin drive around for 10 minutes, and the streets are empty. Not a single person is out, let alone a drunk. Obama is about to accept defeat when a visibly drunk man staggers out of an apartment building, singing a Russian folk song. Obama leans out the window and shoots him.   Obama: See Vlad, I saw one person and he was drunk! All Russians are drunks!  Six months later Putin travels to Washington DC and he and Obama are having the same argument about morals and society. Putin suggests they do the same thing they did in Moscow, and he will shoot any drunks that he sees on Washington's streets. Obama let's the Secret Service know to go ahead and make sure there are no drunks anywhere on their route.   The two presidents drive around for 10 minutes, without seeing anyone. Just as they're turning around a huge group of drunks stumbles out of a bar. Putin gets excited, leans out the window and mows them all down. He teases Obama for the rest of the night.   Putin: Barack, you said Russians were worse drunks than Americans. I just killed 20 of them, looks like Russia wins again!   The next morning Vladimir Putin picks up the newspaper and sees the headline: 20 Russian Embassy Workers Slain In Drive-By Shooting."},{"id":927,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4vybks/whats_heavier_a_ton_of_bricks_or_a_ton_of_feathers/","score":3728,"part1":"What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?","mature":false,"author":"Meeeeese","part2":"A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds."},{"id":928,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4c2hvq/whats_the_difference_between_a_hooker_and_jesus/","score":3720,"part1":"What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?","mature":true,"author":"SemenDemon182","part2":"The look on their face when you're nailing them."},{"id":929,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3sm0qb/why_did_the_star_wars_movies_come_out_in_the/","score":3729,"part1":"Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?","mature":false,"author":"TwoSquareClocks","part2":"Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was."},{"id":930,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3nuffk/a_japanese_man_once_tried_to_fake_his_own_death/","score":3726,"part1":"A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.","mature":false,"author":"BiscuitOfLife","part2":""},{"id":931,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4v5v17/i_once_had_a_goldfish_that_could_breakdance_on_a/","score":3725,"part1":"I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,","mature":false,"author":"lukalucasluka","part2":"but only for like 20 seconds..."},{"id":932,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4rcv0m/when_beethoven_died_he_was_buried_in_a_churchyard/","score":3725,"part1":"When Beethoven died, he was buried in a churchyard.","mature":false,"author":"xxStitchxx","part2":"A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, \"Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.\" He listened a while longer, and said, \"There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling.\" So the magistrate kept listening; \"There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth...\" Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, \"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.\""},{"id":933,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/39x3hz/two_condoms_are_walking_down_the_street/","score":3719,"part1":"Two condoms are walking down the street...","mature":true,"author":"OrangeBuster","part2":"They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other \"hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?\""},{"id":934,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/398nei/the_rotation_of_earth/","score":3727,"part1":"The rotation of earth","mature":false,"author":"moeenchaya1","part2":"Really makes my day."},{"id":935,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2rfn8x/on_a_cold_winters_morning/","score":3722,"part1":"On a cold winter's morning","mature":false,"author":"darthfroggy","part2":"Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:  \"Windows frozen, won't open.\"     Husband texts back:  \"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.\"     Wife texts back 5 minutes later:     \"Computer is really screwed up now.”"},{"id":936,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2nrv35/my_wife_always_accuses_me_of_having_a_favorite/","score":3711,"part1":"My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.","mature":false,"author":"lntrinsic","part2":"It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally."},{"id":937,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/28jlwr/women_only_call_me_ugly_until_they_find_out_how/","score":3717,"part1":"Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.","mature":false,"author":"tjfoxx","part2":"Then they call me ugly and poor."},{"id":938,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4eajey/a_woman_is_in_the_hospital_in_a_coma/","score":3718,"part1":"A woman is in the hospital in a coma...","mature":false,"author":"birdx90","part2":"and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.  The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, \"I dont know, Doc. I think she choked.\"  "},{"id":939,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41p1ns/why_did_the_stormtrooper_buy_an_iphone/","score":3710,"part1":"Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?","mature":false,"author":"MarauderIIC","part2":"Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for."},{"id":940,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/44u9yu/how_do_you_disappoint_a_redditor/","score":3709,"part1":"How do you disappoint a Redditor?","mature":false,"author":"Awareofthat","part2":"[deleted]"},{"id":941,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3c46zr/why_did_ellen_pao_fire_an_employee_with_cancer/","score":3714,"part1":"Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?","mature":false,"author":"MasterChefRamsey","part2":"She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself"},{"id":942,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4l61v8/what_is_the_difference_between_dubai_and_abu_dhabi/","score":3709,"part1":"What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?","mature":false,"author":"_Survivor_of_Hathsin","part2":"The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!"},{"id":943,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4ivu8k/if_i_had_a_dollar_for_every_girl_that_found_me/","score":3711,"part1":"If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...","mature":false,"author":"cowmastermind","part2":"They would eventually find me attractive."},{"id":944,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y6wp2/10_husbands_still_a_virgin/","score":3713,"part1":"10 husbands, still a virgin.","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.  On their wedding night, she told her new husband, \"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.\"  \"What?\" said the puzzled groom.  \"How can that be if you've been married ten times?\"  \"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.  Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.  Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.  Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.  Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.  Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.  Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.  Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.  Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.  Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...   God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!\"  \"Good,\" said the new husband, \"but, why?\"  \"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!\""},{"id":945,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2yqi0y/worst_geometry_joke_i_know/","score":3709,"part1":"Worst Geometry Joke I Know","mature":false,"author":"midrangamo","part2":"When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides?   When it is intercepted by a plane."},{"id":946,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4qpfsl/how_many_cops_does_it_take_to_push_a_black_man/","score":3704,"part1":"How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?","mature":false,"author":"rbk4life","part2":"None. He fell."},{"id":947,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2t44ce/lpt_request_my_2_year_old_son_drew_in_permanent/","score":3698,"part1":"LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls","mature":false,"author":"neomatrix248","part2":"So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok.  I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of.  As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies.  I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there.  Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?"},{"id":948,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3pmr6j/mickey_mouse_is_in_court_trying_to_get_a_divorce/","score":3704,"part1":"Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... \"Mr. Mouse\", says the judge, \"I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange.\"","mature":false,"author":"cliveholloway","part2":"\"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was fucking Goofy\"."},{"id":949,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mw4i1/how_do_you_tell_the_difference_between_a_plumber/","score":3693,"part1":"How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?","mature":false,"author":"Undercovergeek24","part2":"Ask him/her to pronounce unionized   "},{"id":950,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2gab4w/my_friends_dog_died_the_other_day_so_i_surprised/","score":3609,"part1":"• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.","mature":false,"author":"jubileo5","part2":"She was furious, she said *\"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?\"*"},{"id":951,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3qpdib/penis_contest/","score":3600,"part1":"Penis Contest","mature":true,"author":"timmytron","part2":"Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. \"Let's see who has the largest dick,\" he says. \"Okay,\" they all agree.  The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. \"That's nothing,\" says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. \"Wow, that thing is huge!\" they exclaim.  That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.  \"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played \"Let's see who has the largest dick.\"  \"What kind of game is that, honey?\" asks his mother.  \"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?\"  The mom replies: \"No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three.\""},{"id":952,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/34kihw/how_many_reddit_mods_does_it_take_to_change_a/","score":3597,"part1":"How many Reddit mods does it take to change a lightbulb?","mature":false,"author":"playitagainzak_","part2":"[removed]"},{"id":953,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4od3ey/procrastination_is_like_masturbation/","score":3594,"part1":"Procrastination is like masturbation","mature":true,"author":"hypotenuseoftruth","part2":"It's fun at the time, but in the end you're just fucking yourself."},{"id":954,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uc4hh/im_sexually_attracted_to_metal_boxes_with_locking/","score":3593,"part1":"I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.","mature":false,"author":"BarelyCrazy","part2":"But don't worry. It's safe sex."},{"id":955,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4b3x3n/a_shipwreck_only_scarlett_johansson_and_some/","score":3601,"part1":"A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...","mature":false,"author":"onlyfunnies","part2":"They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...  At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...  He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...  One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.  But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... \"Whats wrong?\" Scarlett Johansson asked, \"Nothing...\" the guy would say...  She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...      \"Really?, youll do anything id like?\"      \"yes\" she said \"anything!\"      \"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore\"      \"ok...\"      \"now put this shirt on please, but first, \"tape\" your boobs so they are flat\"      \"wha... ok, id say id do anything\" she said lovingly.      \"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it\"  she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.      \"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache\"      \"ok... if this is what you want...\" she muttered.      \"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit\" he said a bit excited...  She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: \"DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!\""},{"id":956,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49in74/my_girlfriend_is_a_pornstar/","score":3599,"part1":"My girlfriend is a pornstar","mature":false,"author":"KetoKilvo","part2":"She will kill me if she finds out.   "},{"id":957,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3okxxa/a_3rd_grade_class_goes_to_the_swimming_pool/","score":3595,"part1":"A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)","mature":false,"author":"FanchLaplanche","part2":"*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*  A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.  The lifeguard asks to the class: \"Does any one of you already know how to swim?\"  Then the little Dimitri, all excited, answered: \"Yes! I do!\"  The thing is, the little Dimitri has no arms.  So the lifeguard doesn't really trust him but the little Dimitri insists: \"Yeah yeah I can assure you!\"  The lifeguard finally tells him to give it a try.  Unexpectedly, the little Dimitri swims very well. To the point that the lifeguard asks him: \"Where did you learn to swim like that?!\"  Little Dimitri: \"Oh I have experience. Each week-end my father brings me to the coast, throw me into the water and I have to get back to the shore really quick.\"  Lifeguard: \"Well... It's a little bit harsh for a method, don't you think?\"  Little Dimitri: \"Oh no it's not that big of a deal. The most difficult part is to get out of the plastic bag\".   ---   *Because some of you were asking for it. The french version:*  C'est une classe de CE2 qui va à la piscine.  Le maître nageur leurs demande alors : « Est-ce que l'un d'entre vous sait déjà nager ? »  Là le petit Dimitri saute de joie et s'exclame : « Moi j'sais nager !»  Sauf que le petit Dimitri... Il n'a pas de bras.  Le maître nageur est dubitatif mais le petit Dimitri insiste : « Ah si si je vous assure je nage hyper-bien ! »  Le maître nageur lui dit alors de lui montrer mais que s'il y a le moindre problème, il n'est pas loin.  Le petit Dimitri saute alors dans la piscine et nage incroyablement bien. Tout le monde est estomaqué.  Le maître nageur lui demande alors : « Où as-tu appris à nager comme ça ? »  Le petit Dimitri : « Oh ben c'est facile. Tous les week-end mon père m’amène en bord de mer, me lance dans l'eau et je dois revenir le plus vite possible sur la côte. »  Le maître nageur : « C'est bien mais... C'est un peu dur comme méthode, tu trouves pas ? »  Le petit Dimitri : « Oh ça c'est rien ! Le plus difficile c'est de sortir du sac plastique ! »  EDIT 1: word  EDIT 2: french version"},{"id":958,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2rqcey/why_do_jihadist_muslims_only_drink_instant_coffee/","score":3591,"part1":"Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?","mature":false,"author":"Wigglesface","part2":"'Cause they hate the French press"},{"id":959,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3kn1nl/a_teenage_girl_had_been_talking_on_the_phone_for/","score":3583,"part1":"A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour","mature":false,"author":"misumerlove","part2":"A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.  \"Wow!,\" said her father, \"That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?\"  \"Wrong number,\" replied the girl."},{"id":960,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jufre/100m_dash/","score":3589,"part1":"100m Dash","mature":true,"author":"__Nigel_Thornberry__","part2":"A girl says to her friend \"The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash\"  Her friend says \"What, over in 6 seconds?\"  \"No, with 8 black men and a gun.\""},{"id":961,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4la3gb/a_girl_comes_crying_into_her_mothers_home/","score":3586,"part1":"A girl comes crying into her mother's home","mature":true,"author":"ANAL_SIEGE","part2":"and says \"He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again\". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.  The girl angrily says \"A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?\"   \"Its a magic dildo dear,\" says her mom calmly  \"just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to please you and it will do the job.\"  So the girl goes to her house and says \"Great Magic Dildo vagina.\" The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her pussy, exciting her like no man has. It makes her cum harder than ever before. The girl is very pleased and tired. She lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says \"Hey listen, I want to talk to yo-*what* are you holding??\"  \"Its a Great Magic Dildo.\"  Laughing, he says \"Yeah great magic dildo my ass.\""},{"id":962,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/35lxlk/the_irish_millionaire/","score":3581,"part1":"The Irish Millionaire","mature":false,"author":"LordGinger_","part2":"Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.  \"You've done very well so far,\" said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, \"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?\"  \"Sure,\" said Mick. \"I'll have a go!\"  \"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?  a) Sparrow    b) Thrush,    c) Magpie,    d) Cuckoo?\"    \"I haven't got a clue.\" said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..\"    Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.  \"Fookin hell, Mick!\" cried Paddy. \"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo.\"  \"Are you sure?\"  \"I'm fookin sure.\"  Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, \"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer.\"  \"Is that your final answer?\" asked Chris.  \"Dat it is.\"  There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, \"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!\"  The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.  \"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?\"  \"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!\"  "},{"id":963,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4hx1ly/a_wife_gets_naked/","score":3579,"part1":"A wife gets naked...","mature":false,"author":"KellyfromLeedsUK","part2":"…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'   Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'"},{"id":964,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/343nz1/i_got_jumped_by_five_black_guys_in_baltimore/","score":3581,"part1":"I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.","mature":false,"author":"Orly5","part2":"The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery."},{"id":965,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4fptm8/i_dont_see_why_racists_are_upset_with_harriet/","score":3580,"part1":"I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...","mature":false,"author":"magical_","part2":"They can finally legally own a black person again."},{"id":966,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/304d0v/if_april_showers_bring_may_flowers_then_what_do/","score":3576,"part1":"If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?","mature":false,"author":"IAmZenja","part2":"Genocide"},{"id":967,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2zqnwx/fact_a_lot_of_women_turn_into_good_drivers/","score":3567,"part1":"Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.","mature":false,"author":"aali4356","part2":"So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!"},{"id":968,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4u0pim/what_do_a_dog_and_a_nearsighted_gynecologist_have/","score":3570,"part1":"What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?","mature":false,"author":"OutderpRenekton","part2":"A wet nose."},{"id":969,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3524gy/nice_legs/","score":3562,"part1":"Nice Legs..","mature":false,"author":"trick88","part2":"A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, \"Wow, nice legs!\" She is flattered and replies, \"You really think so?\" The man says, \"Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.\""},{"id":970,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2mka5e/theres_a_support_group_for_people_addicted_to/","score":3563,"part1":"There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...","mature":false,"author":"Zaoe22","part2":"The head of the group walks in and says, \"I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed.\"  "},{"id":971,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3y4sul/donald_trump/","score":3561,"part1":"Donald Trump","mature":false,"author":"Taptap10","part2":"Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton \"disgusting\" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.     "},{"id":972,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3z510g/do_cats_stutter/","score":3561,"part1":"Do cats stutter?","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.   \"Human beings are the only animals that stutter\", she says.  A little girl raises her hand \"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered\", she volunteered.  The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.  \"Well\", she began, \"I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!\"  \"That must've been scary\", said the teacher.  \"It sure was\", said the little girl.   \"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!\""},{"id":973,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ttve4/a_lady_goes_to_the_doctor_for_help_with_her_sex/","score":3561,"part1":"A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...","mature":false,"author":"deathmetal27","part2":"Doctor: Give your husband viagra.  Lady: I can't, he hates pills.  Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.  Next week she returns, unhappy.  Doctor: Was it good?  Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there.  Doctor: Well, then what's wrong?  Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again.  ----  "},{"id":974,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3bn8bx/a_little_boy_goes_to_his_dad_and_asks/","score":3563,"part1":"A little boy goes to his dad and asks:","mature":false,"author":"simplicity541","part2":"'Dad, what's Politics?'   Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:   I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.   Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.   We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.   The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.   And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.   Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'   So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.  Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,  'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '   The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'   The little boy replies,   'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'"},{"id":975,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2a5d66/on_his_death_bed_an_old_jew_says_to_his_wife/","score":5606,"part1":"On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:","mature":false,"author":"WhySoSober","part2":"Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.  When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.  And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.  I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah."},{"id":976,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/437bdk/my_girlfriend_told_me_shes_sick_of_me_pretending/","score":5587,"part1":"My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.","mature":false,"author":"whicketywack","part2":"Girlfriend: \"I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up.\"  Me: \"Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.\""},{"id":977,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/41310j/the_wine_taster/","score":5579,"part1":"THE WINE TASTER","mature":false,"author":"weaverl47","part2":"At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” \"That's correct\", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” \"Correct.\" A third glass... \"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. \"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father.\""},{"id":978,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3tjxw6/i_have_a_phobia_of_over_engineered_buildings/","score":5554,"part1":"I have a phobia of over engineered buildings","mature":false,"author":"Krabo","part2":"It's a complex complex complex."},{"id":979,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3a7ob4/classic_joke_for_our_muslim_friends_today/","score":5535,"part1":"Classic joke for our Muslim friends today","mature":false,"author":"omgwtfishsticks","part2":"There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.  As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.  So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.  John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.  The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.  Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)"},{"id":980,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2snmui/you_can_tell_the_sex_of_an_ant_by_dropping_it/","score":5526,"part1":"You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....","mature":false,"author":"Happyhokie","part2":"If it floats:  boy ant."},{"id":981,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2jf8ke/stanley/","score":5528,"part1":"Stanley...","mature":false,"author":"THEGONDIINETWORK","part2":"Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.  Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”  The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”  The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”  Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”  “What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.  “Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”"},{"id":982,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4knoq9/one_day_einstein_has_to_give_a_conference_to_all/","score":5523,"part1":"One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world...","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists  in the world.  On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, \"I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!\"  The drivers agrees, \"You're right, as your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.\"  \"That's a great idea!\" says Einstein \"Lets switch places then!\"  So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein, goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.  But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond.   So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.   The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.  The driver looks at him, dead in the eyes and says : \"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.\""},{"id":983,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/453t62/i_hope_death_is_a_woman/","score":5513,"part1":"I hope Death is a woman","mature":false,"author":"Imissyourgirlfriend2","part2":"That way it will never come for me"},{"id":984,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/49chan/spent_over_an_hour_at_the_wifes_grave_this_morning/","score":5512,"part1":"Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.","mature":false,"author":"SoloMarko","part2":"Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond."},{"id":985,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3igjdn/elderly_couple/","score":5509,"part1":"Elderly couple","mature":false,"author":"rumblefish65","part2":"An elderly couple were at home watching TV.  Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.  Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, \"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!\""},{"id":986,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4jfo1n/why_are_redneck_murders_so_hard_to_solve/","score":5507,"part1":"Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?","mature":false,"author":"Cheesepolo","part2":"There's no dental records and all the DNA matches"},{"id":987,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4xjyho/i_found_a_place_where_the_recycling_rate_is_98/","score":5497,"part1":"I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%","mature":false,"author":"engnumber9","part2":"/r/Jokes"},{"id":988,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4mo4wl/how_bout_a_blowjob/","score":5483,"part1":"How bout a blowjob?","mature":true,"author":"TempestofMist","part2":"Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, \"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!\"  His buddy looks at him and says, \"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep.\""},{"id":989,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/496u0p/my_neighborhood_barber_just_got_arrested_for/","score":5487,"part1":"My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..","mature":false,"author":"Kavorky","part2":"I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber"},{"id":990,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3uqezl/a_man_takes_his_seat_at_the_world_cup_final_he/","score":5476,"part1":"A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.","mature":false,"author":"thebestofthebest13","part2":"The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”  The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”  The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”  The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”"},{"id":991,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/25x850/the_new_father/","score":5462,"part1":"The new father","mature":false,"author":"JordanMcRiddles","part2":"A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.   \"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something.\"  \"Dad you dont mea-\"  \"Yes I do. You've earned it.\" Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.  \"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored.\"  \"Hi honored,\" Replies the father. \"I'm dad.\""},{"id":992,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4wk06e/an_antisemite_goes_to_a_bar/","score":5450,"part1":"An anti-semite goes to a bar","mature":false,"author":"heartakabeat","part2":"An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it. \"Bartender!\" he says, nodding at the Jew, \"A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!\" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back. The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. \"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!\" He looks directly at the Jew and adds, \"Everyone except the Jew.\" The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again. Furious, the anti-semite says, \"Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?\" \"Oh no, sir, he's the owner.\""},{"id":993,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4kzkaj/my_friend_tommy_drowned_the_other_day/","score":5449,"part1":"My friend Tommy drowned the other day...","mature":false,"author":"madazzahatter","part2":"At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.   It's what he would have wanted..."},{"id":994,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3zi7no/my_5_year_olds_painful_twist_on_a_knock_knock_joke/","score":5455,"part1":"My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke","mature":false,"author":"Happy_giggle_fart","part2":"I was telling my son the \"knock knock who's there banana joke\", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said \"you shouldn't stand so close to the door\""},{"id":995,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2wnity/a_boy_paid_a_girl_10_to_climb_a_flagpole/","score":5441,"part1":"A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...","mature":false,"author":"Printnamehere3","part2":"She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said \"honey, he just wanted to see your underwear.\" The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said \"I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole.\" Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother \"mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear.\"  "},{"id":996,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3v966f/three_men_are_on_a_boat_they_have_four_cigarettes/","score":5441,"part1":"Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.","mature":false,"author":"PromiscuousCucumber","part2":"So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.         "},{"id":997,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2jqk02/food_is_like_dark_humor/","score":5440,"part1":"Food is like dark humor","mature":false,"author":"clavabot","part2":"not every one gets it."},{"id":998,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/48m1su/what_is_a_pirates_least_favorite_letter/","score":5434,"part1":"What is a pirate's least favorite letter?","mature":false,"author":"absolutezero_01","part2":"Dear Sir/Ma'am  We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:  1. Illegal Downloading"},{"id":999,"link":"https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/4o9g4b/whats_the_difference_between_a_good_joke_and/","score":5426,"part1":"What's the difference between a good joke and","mature":false,"author":"memgrizz72","part2":"A bad joke timing"}]